Let me end the year or start with the final thought of 2011. I've been trying for years now in this golden cage life i was forced to live. Did the right thing, worked the job, paid the fines.
What did it get me ?
Less than i had before. Everything i worked for and was working on got taken away and prohibited by people going behind my back. Maybe because of ... well, the reason long don't matter anymore. What matters is now , two years later, i'm stuck in the same place, there's no hope of improvement in the foreseeable future. It leads me to believe that trying to do that kind of right thing is absolutely not the way to go, so i think i'm done with it. See, i had a tv, i had a computer, i had a roof over my head, connection to the net, food, warmth ... i also had sex, people to drink with that didnt judge me, and if i felt like it, decent drugs to release. I'm a big boy, i've seen and experienced more than the 99% around me. If i choose to pop a pill or snort a line instead of downing a bottle of jack I CAN DO THAT, there's nothing wrong with it, i feel less bad than with the alcohol and it doesnt make me fat or stink so i'm less frustrated because of it. If i choose to do that once or twice a year, that's nobodies fucking business. Ofcourse, in the golden cage, there's plenty of ethyl, but none of the rest.
Now i have nothing but my cats to hold me on the thin line. It's not a line, it's more like a razors edge and my feet hurt from balancing without reward. The importance of what most retards define as just animals to me seems to be incomprehensible to the indoctrinated sorry excuses for minds all around me. These, the two i have left, are the only responsibility i CHOSE to bear. They hold my soul and without them i will be hollow and probably a monster (as in monster, the manga). Any other responsibilities or whatever have been pushed on me, i didnt choose any of those and i won't flinch if i can avoid or get rid of those in any way. Contracts signed under threat never count in the morality where i come from. The cats however are my choice, and i will stick with them, because they keep me human, and because i dont want to betray their trust since they're like virtually the only living beings in my circle who never did that to me. CHOICE, a difficult concept it seems.
It's not a warning, it's not a threat. But there's nothing left to scare me with, it took too long, if my work was not interrupted i would have been in a place i chose to be, and everything would have been much further down one of the acceptable roads. But it's not, so there's hate.
And i do like to share. If i got money, i share. If i got nothing but pain and hate... i share.
This is not the life i chose, nothing good can come of this. I'm done with this path it gets me nothing but lies and illusions. I feel like if i let off one smile everyone around me falls back into that robotic negationist thing i've seen in so many false humanlike remnants. I'm done with it. If you see me smile, watch the eyes. If the eyes aint smiling, watch yourself. No one stood up to help me, the ones who just kept silent are as guilty as the ones who betrayed or dropped me. I owe nothing to anyone. I'm paying fines for things i didnt do. Other peoples fines because i've been so good as to stay out of jail, but the hyenas want their money so being out of jail and working, i guess i was an easy target. Every cent i have to pay for this, i'm gonna take back ten or thousandfold ... in cash, in blood, in pain... anything. I'm not just gonna smile and take it, that you can be sure of. The place is tainted. I saw my grandmother die here in this room i came to call my cell because that's what it is. Die, mentally ... slowly , not physically, once she was gone her body went on for a few more years, she seemed more happy when the light went out in her eyes but those were not happy memories when i was fifteen. I'm stuck here day after day, it feels like some part of her still lingers here sometimes, like a remnant of her spirit that still holds the rage she had while experiencing the loss of her mind. But the place is tainted, i know of at least one time , undeniably, they let the porc in here, without warrant, without proof. Only because they have always been spineless sacks of scared shit who always had it easier grouping on me with the institute than treat me like ...say, family ? They did, they were here while they let them take me, interrogate me for hours, only to bring up a witness , after i asked for it, who ofcourse immediately identified me as not the one who did it. Snatching purses not my style, thats junkiebusiness. Anyhow, they were inhere, without warrant, it happened once so i can never trust it or feel safe again here. Doesnt matter what anyone says, that's how it is. It might have happened more than once but the other times i have no proof, it doesnt matter if it was once or a hundred times, the trust is gone, there is no shelter here. It's just the tip of the iceberg, i have an ocean of reasons to hate, and it doesnt look like it will be getting better any time soon. Worked a whole year doing filth and shit im allergic to to have less than i had before and way less than what i woulda had without the meddling, my life was ruined with good intentions mostly by people who arent really human according to their own definition.
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My money gets taken by the state even if their own law says they cant do that anymore. I live among zombies, hell is all about repetition in a place where the most exciting part of town after dark is the graveyard, the other bits are more dead. So ... i hope 2012 brings a lot of pain and misery ... wish unto others what they did to you right. Lucifer walks, the lightbringer is the destroyer of illusion, the revealer of the masked, the speaker of truth, NOT the beast. But i'm sure it hates humans as much as i do. According to the legends and the lore it spoke latin, which show how much of a lie religion and its little books are again, speaking latin at the dawn of time. It uttered the words : "non serviam" , which means as much as i won't serve (leaving the part that says because you think your birthright obliges me but only by choice, respect and not submission) after which it got kicked from the heavens stripped of its wings, down into hell ... makes me think how much this place resembles hell since the arrival of the homo (thats latin for 'man'), stuck down here, no chance of exploring the vastness of the heavens. Here in this golden cage in the land of hypocrisy with a temple of the church of the pedophile priests in every town ... i can seriously relate.
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like the gotham joker said : i don't have a plan :) (<<== carved-in smile)
but anything is better than apathy and void
ps : contrary to popular belief i dont do things because i'm influenced by what i watch or listen to, the things i watch or listen to attract me because they complement my mood and state of mind. I didnt get into trouble because i was addicted. I got kicked out on the street, fucked over by the state, lost everything, didnt find a job, and accepted a business proposal that started to make me money in a short while. So my allegiance lies with the people who helped me. And nothing is the other way around. Also contrary to popular belief and nietschzes rules : if you survived this long, hate is not what consumes you, it's an everlasting fuelsource to keep you burning when all else is gone. Nothing or no one hear seems to offer anything i want. Instead they just ignore whatever i say because of their programming. It doesnt matter since it changes nothing, the only change that changes is change. Closing eyes makes nothing go away. Your opinions and advice mean as much to me as every thing i said that you ignored, it's way too late for sorry and a band-aid can't hide the stench anymore. Sitcom morality? Sixties psychology? Because everyone bla ? No, i'm afraid not, should have listened all these years to what i said instead of trying to push the brainwash after the programs expiration date.
What you get is more war, more hunger, more disease and very likely more disasters as the place caves in under the weight of your filth. That's the good part, i don't even have to wish or make it happen. You're doing a great job of that yourselves. What to expect from me? Unless you got something i want(that would be sex with low-fat, very light women and girls, more money equals power, the resurrection of three of my cats and / or means to exact revenge), nothing. Don't moralize me on that, your world made me what i am and if you get to close i might kick your teeth in in a dark alley since i'm done with trying your way, remember ? I didnt ask for any of this and what i asked for you ignored.
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how about that for new years wishes?
Sure, i'll grant peace on earth to the remaining people of free will, but the others have to go first, they have been killing my brothers and sisters for way too long and look what happened to the genepool ... thinkers and doubters have almost gone extinct, all you have is followers and the happy prozac-nation. This has to end, by any means necessary
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Sure, i hear ya, ... well , more like i feel ya ... you know what the corrupt said ? ignorance is no excuse, so, that would be their words, not mine
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Ofourse i hear you but you know what? If you got some good advice on what i have to do, best intentions included, i suggest you keep it to yourself, go home, kill yourself, and maybe you get reborn just in time to understand anything at all before it's all gone to hell, you know ... hell ? that road you paved while 'helping' others not to be them but be functional in function of what you are in function of. It'll be all yours
euhm ...
like this tonight like whats your pincey penis envy problem atm? i've known that site for over ten years, was like one of the first bs-free spots i discovered when i first got online ... nothing i havent read before. Dont be a fucking retard if i wanted to do anything of that i would have. Get your head out of your ass and take your stink somewhere i am not
MORE TEXT THAN YOU CAN HANDLE
the whole world must have gone demented i'm not giving before i get a few things back, that might include a few heads on a few white gold platters
i think i have received some good advice exactly one too many times ... from fossils i dont know and who certainly dont know me ... exactly one too many times to keep the fire from seeping out throught the cracks in my skin ... or should i say my hide ... hide that's funny, i meant shield ... spike shield for protection from idjits ...
Not that i feel myself worthy of walking in any of their shadows (not the idjits) but what do you call a writer who never gets out? Would you consider Albert Hofmann a junkie? an addict maybe ... a criminal perhaps ?
What about Shulgin ... or how about Aldous Huxley ... would you like ... lock him up before he hurts himself? Tell him he needs something to do or euh ... treat him like a martian maybe?
No you wouldnt ... it's very likely he would come out damaged ... incapable of trusting anyone he knew ... with a shell so thick and spikey ... no one can get near again.
That bit is self defense, consider it a spell of protection from idjits +5 in a 3foot radius. It's not like i'm stuck in the middle of gaea's brightest here, no offense ? ... well ... i dont care about offense really, i've been offended exactly one too many times now.
On that growing up in extremist env thing ... i see people think it wasn't but before i can agree to that someone has to explain to me the nationalist extremist youth and other movement, the house full of guns ... explosives even ... dug-up hand grenades in a closet in the garage with the mud still on ... WTF ? nitroglycerin ... is that something you put on your french fries maybe ... i might be confused but i think ... i'm not the one who's crazy here ... denial is a mechanism of self defense as well , but i know what i saw here as little guy, and there's no denying that.
Forgiveness is for christians ... something i am definitely not.
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things might be different now ... maybe they're just hidden, maybe the instigators died or went away ... but that does not change the past ... and the past, as we all know, defines the present
so, eum ... if that was NOT extremist ... someone has to explain what it was exactly cos until then ... i'll just , like ... stick to my theory and as a result of everything will always refuse to be part of the left-right axis, its too constrictive, singleminded and ONEdimensional
(its way too late for just any kind of sorry by the way...way...way...way too late)
so umm, if you're some kind of south will rise again hillboy or some unification of dietsland type o returd (the word only exists in dutch afaik, goes to show its a pretty nationalist concept) ... even if the nitro wasnt real ... the grenades and the guns and the ammo were there, i can still see them ... i have no way of knowing what was in the bottle was actually hi explosive ... if not ... it's really not a lie you want to tell an eight year old scaring him the house might blow up if it falls down (ha ha ha, good times)
analyze this, but only if you're at least at sapolsky level analytically speaking ... dont get at me with your old book theories, as a matter o fact, just dont ... i'm perfectly fine if i dont get locked up and kept under a rock because the rep of the past cant get out or for whatever reason it is
also if you think you know me, you dont ... and dont bother, i'll pick my own family and friends if i need to and feel like it
it feels like i dont have enough middle fingers to express myself
BUT HERE'S A FEW FOR STARTERS
i told you nothing good could come of this, over and over, and always you chose to ignore me ... violation of my inner self, my privacy, my life, everything i worked for and CHOSE to do destroyed ... this is not even half of my warpath.
Wy worry? It's not like this gets published (yet?) ... if it were at least one person on the planet would tell me, right ... its too late for trust, its too late for family, there never was one here and every one i chose to build got fucked over time after time. Thats why i poured the remnants of my heart and soul into my last remaining pets. Inside me it doesnt seem to be safe ... the ones who never spoke are as guilty as the ones who outright lied and the ones who went against me building walls around me until i started to build my own.
What THE FUCK would you expect now?
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if anyone is still as stupid as before and i catch them in the act ... makes sure there's witnesses with them, because if there are none you won't find them again.
you have nothing left to threaten me with, make no mistake about that
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look at it however in whatever way you want ... put it throught your rusty mindset schemes and analyze it into something that tells you its not your fault (i do like the milgram) ... never start a fight but always finish it i heard somewhere ... you did, and i will
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i had plenty of time to think , you remember, right, you gave me LOTS of time to think in many places :) for my own good ofcourse, i can tell you , it didnt make me better on your moral scale of zero to self-preservation
i hear all the lies, all the tries, all the morals all the rules ... none of them make sense if they only apply to me and mine .Mine? yes mine, mine as in mine, my people, the fallen ones ...you know, .. well, who knows how many things you buried in the dark the last few hundred years.
I happen to know the Nile is not just a river in Egypt. Your problem, just keep that head in the sand ... when the wave is gone it will be all that's left of your old, failing fucked up world. You have to keep it artificially alive, you know it but you just refuse to see it.
In the end ... all it will take is just one powerfailure ... and the old world stops. But that ... that is something you've been hiding from but hiding does not make anything go away ... we'll see.
Well, not everyone i guess.
If you breed hate, telling it you didn't know what you were doing will not appease it. Anything that happens is on YOUR head. (see how easy that is :)
Doesnt matter who's guilty anymore. It's too late for sorry
So (im sorry i repeat myself but that's just what you need to do in a sick, demented world where denial is the norm)
So, i'll keep it practical, if you dont have something i want or need, just don't bother.
(really...where did you read the part about nice guy trying to help? you killed that guy, remember? That guy is the ghost behind my eyes, but even he is out of tears)
For the record, i'm fully functional, but not in this environment because here ... here i just don't want to. I'll need my life back, if not
like the robocop said : there will be trouble
stay out of my way if you're not in my past and there should be no problems
mhhh yea, let me just up front answer all of that with SURE, whatever ... rtfm, the funny thing with entropy is you can never glue that smashed dirty diamond back into its original shape ... you should have thought of that at least six years ago.
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dont call us, we'll call you,
quid pro quo? no no no
that was four years ago
how lyrical? WOAW puns in a language not my own . DO I LOOK LIKE I'M INTERESTED IN COMPLIMENTS LIKE SOME FAG LITERARY BUFF? THIS IS MY POISON ON PAPER, YOU HEED ITS WORDS. you think i'm like , interested in being accepted, or being popular or something? are you really THAT stupid? maybe you should re-read from line one then, or grow a second braincell
i need a skinny bitch, well bitch, say a priestess not a princess, to fuck and money to spend since i'm stuck in your world, and unless you can resurrect a few of my dead cats i'm afraid there's nothing else you can help me with (or maybe that timemachine and get me the years back YOU FUCKING STOLE FROM ME) ... i'll take twins if you're out of solo skin but i dont think i can handle triplets, a guy has only so many dicks and fingers
i can handle the revenge myself ... trying to escape from hell last time, only reason they got to me was because i trusted and relied on others, others who made a deal and betrayed me with a smile.
i'm a very fast learner, probably because most of the time i dont think in words
well, blame that thought on your educational facilities :) i didnt really ... fit in there, i guess that's why the lessons in parrot never went down very well ... blindly repeating, never saw the point of that except indoctrination
This IS me being polite still ... the real ending of the story will probably be written in blood on some backstreet the way this is going.
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just shut up, you'll only make it worse
and no im not drinking for the first thirty days of the year, so you wanna knock me out? attack or get me what i ask for
and dont ask why, lets make this easy ... think of me as your vengeful twofaced bloodgod, but with only face, my ways are mysterious and incomprehensible to microbes because they refuse to grow that second braincell
i guess thinking hurts
so don't
just ...
dont
euh ... because i need healing ... not my last bit of energy and soul sucked out
You know i have a picture of einstein and a picture of darwin here, in my , eum ... closet? display case? rack? whatchu call it ... i talk to them sometimes ... if someone happened by i'm sure they would think that crazy guy again way.
You got millions of idjits talking to some god they never seen and have no proof of everyday ... out loud ... in group.
Me? I'd be the outcast cos i talk to some dead icons hmz ... another bit of sense your world is not making at all to me.
They're like the living murray gell-man in two parts ... the physics and the nature guy, the quark and the jaguar. I'd put up a picture of the man but i dont wanna jinx him since he's still alive.
yea, many facets, rarely this or that ... why can't a guy like death metal, techno, drum & bass, particly physics and evolution theory all at once?
that probably has to do with your educational facilities and the 'having to become something' instead of being the best you can be.
i might be damaged but i'm far from broken
it doesnt matter how many times, i'll just rebuild with more hate if you do
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(yea, the way you look at songs like these probably also has a lot to do with the washings you received ... it's pretty motivating)
there's also a statuette of Bastet, a pic of one of the dead cats, and an original doors album , but i dont talk a lot to Jim lately, the guy is probably very much at peace with the choices he made by now
i'm still looking for a fitting statuette of Kali really ... the destroyer ... symbol of renewal ... out with the old, in with the new .. ring a bell? Nope ... all you can think about is strangling i suppose.
idjits
the violation of my privacy however, i'm afraid that has caused some permanent damage ... damage that i will also have to share ofcourse, i'm not selfcentered like that ...
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there's still one gun i know of, about two metres from my left hand now ... so if you think i'm some psychotic, don't worry about that, i could have LONG exploded if that was the case.
last time i checked it's pretty easy to break someones face with a simple brick as well ... easier even, i even think that's how this whole sapiens virus started.
that would be a little petty and under proportion don't you think ?
what a funny clown huh, i guess you never saw a single stephen king then
having a void ... whip up the blender and start cooking, got more time than money, might as well do some other useless timewasting besides the usual, whats the point of doing anything if all it gets me is this half-life ? This is not what i chose, this is not my fun ... this is just biding time until an opportunity presents itself. I'm not interested in being the cool guy, the witty guy, the whatever guy, all that shit is your world of illusion, it gets me nothing. And this? this gets me nothing but closer to the next moment.
another coffee ...
I'd rather have some skin to dip my dick in and curl up to next asleep in pseudo-heaven
is that an english word who cares
hell, if she respects the cats she can stay after breakfast
But now, check out the vertices on that one ... damn, that interface was clearly made by overlords who know what they are doing. I've known more userfriendly but hey, to quote Curtis : it's a freestyle, what the fuck you want for free?
The games and puterstuff have always been a hobby and a passion ever since i was a child, one of many. It gets me throught the emptiness but if someone thought this was my idea of heaven? They clearly didnt think enough. I'm not ready to stagnate, not by a million lightyears.
Fligh's signature gets it : "BLENDER - You'll get it when you get it." ... seems pretty much on point
half past three ... cigarette ... another luxury best digested after the right combination of artificial dopamine and skindipping ... maybe theres some fun to be had o wait no ... the most exciting place out here at night is definitely the graveyard, lots of action there ... the night still has a way to go but already the day creeps up inside my head, tomorrow just another day in lucifers golden cage?
most likely
Grace
Even after i hadnt been with them for two years i came back to live here they still do it. Wouldnt walk with anyone else. No one barely gets to touch them. It's a blessing as far as i'm concerned. Get what you give maybe.
Only at night ofcourse, just them and me and luna, not a tainted soul but mine in sight. Bast has always favoured the moon, it's her domain.
Daylights hectic, full of alpha waves that arent mine, i cant describe it any other way. It clashes
and cars and cats dont mix.
Back here in the cage ... the bed still looks like eternal solitude.
What's with the sex? What's without the sex i might reply. The feeling seems fitting and in place here in the deepest dark, the hour of the wolf. It's not just that, the union and the loss of self. The aftertaste as well. The buzz, the warm and sticky close together, feeling of pre-natal coziness. I think it's pretty human and the most basic normal thing to need. At least part of me's still human then.
All hail the night
the daylight is too bright and shows
the ugly details of almost every thing and being ... everybody's equal in the dark.
i obtain 9 ancient bones, the woodwork in the blender is still where i left it. Primitive craftsmanship if you ask me. I'll never be that kind of handyman even if i know my way around some practicalities. That is not me, no matter what the gestalt of society, the entity created by the mindless that took over long ago and acts in selfdefense like any organism, tells me it needs me to be this or that. I cannot be who i am not, i wont be something, i am someone. It's futile efforts have wasted much of my time. just like it i act in self defense but i am conscient and capable of more than just re-acting.
another round of Snow and Lightning
hungry ... ravenous , i could eat two horses like every thirty minutes ... best keep it in check. Growing fat does not help feeling good. They fed me medication once, it didnt help a lot. I just got bloated and hollow and was hungry all the time and in the end it depressed me more than before. Took twenty xtc pills one night once then. Had them delivered at the yard at the funny farm. Blind folk watching. Nearly killed me i think with the 'legal' drugs inside, ghosting round the hall all night, dropped down on the bed when i woke up i felt like paralyzed between my waist and stomach, couldnt give a fucking piss.
No ... literally, took me thirty minutes to get it out. Glad that's over, i never take that shit again (the meds ofcourse, the meds) it didnt help for shit and even less.
Ofcourse, they put you in the alcoholic ward when you're in fact depressed ... i dont see how that could make things better.
Depression is the real abyss, i thought it was a myth, it would never happen to me. I hear people talk about it, ... feeling bad is not depression. Depression is a great hollow void tugging at you sucking you dry of will and energy. I conquered it and got out stronger, no thanks to the system and the meds. I do my best work alone, as it has always been it seems.
Nietschze might have been a hopeless helpless romantic, he got some things right on the spot. That which does not kill you makes you stronger.
unless its an amputation perhaps, the metaphore wont stick with that
Kitties having ball downstairs, the old folk both sleeping medicated dreams, the place is theirs. I'm glad, their happy is about the only thing that still makes mine.
Society a gestalt?
Well, entity more like. Words ... confusing things, contrary to popular belief language is the bane of evolution in my sometimes somewhat less humble opinion. Pure thought is probably the only thing thats faster than the speed of light.(except those stubborn neutrinos maybe now but i heard that has possibly to do with einsteins theories being laid out in absolute vacuum, which we dont have here so photons and neutrinos might still make a fool of all of us) How many words does it take to explain a single thought in detail? How much more time does it take to word a thought instead of just thinking it?
How much do you gain if you try to think as little as possible in words? Takes some practice, perfection never gained since its not 'naturally' learned from birth. Words are needed for laws i guess that's why they're being kept in place. You can twist a truth as much as you like with words. But the thought itself remains the same forever. No matter how many words you wrap around it.
Imagine court cases with no words ... there wouldn't even be discussion. One thought each and it would be clear. You can get a whole situation into one single thought, environment, atmosphere, impression, feelings, all in the flash at the speed of thought.
No more lies, the age of shiva, Satya Yuga (the Satya i had to look up the hindu word) the age of virtue is supposed to be the next ... it seems to have deemed us all unworthy. The demon kali, not to be confused with the goddess reigns supreme but if i understand these hindu prophecies might give or take a few thousand years qua accuracy. These yugas seem to last a while.
words are evil, but not in a morality commission kind of way, those people are really useless parasites. But hey, why question them, you need to get around them right?
An entity, not living breathing, not thinking as we know it, but still an entity, created and superimposed, and by now in charge of the illusionary individuals.
See, it's born from basic human feelgood mechanisms. (there he goes all milgram again, yea i think the guy did platinum trophy work with just that little diddy)
With choices comes responsibility, responsibility and the chance of being wrong. The chance of it being your fault and being singled out. Out of the safe anonimity of the group. So the rules take on a life of their own over time. No one even thinks about questioning or asking who put them there and why or if they really still fit today's bill anymore.
Question might get you marked
marked as an individual ... an individual not part, and maybe against the whole. So over time it rules the ones who created it. It becomes an entity. It acts like one, just think about it. Theres highway bloodvessels, it has its own immune system. Everything deemed a possible threat to the survival of the entity gets singled out and neutralized and if that doesnt work it gets destroyed.
But, if the police as they call it are to be the immune system of society ... i think it got aids.
So its easier to just go by the rules, even if they lost all sense, because if you do, its not your fault if things go wrong. After all, it is what it is, its for everyone, so what are you gonna do about it huh?
Look around, the entity is sick, if the rotting parts dont get cut out, it will die and take the healthy bits down with it.
Back to the dark ages?
maybe ... i'd prefer a back to the stone age, hard cold reset but war would hurt my precious mother planet way too much. She's suffocating. Humanity has all the traits of an alien virus, alien as in , well, alien, not little green men ... its the only species that destroys its nest and keeps the inbalance artificially alive. Self preservation, but at the cost of what. Will we be left with nothing but farms of slaverace livestock humans in the future because all the other food is gone, the soil polluted and the only thing that's left is the most adaptable virus on the planet?
Dark huh? Not at all unrealistic the way all of this is going
but hey, what you gonna do about it right?
after all, there's laws and rules, written by dark wizards in high towers, ancient dusty tomes define your every day.
what a nice place to have children this must be.
But hey, why think when you can just follow. It's safer that way ... might not be for your children. I hope they don't forget to thank you for the world you left behind.
writing's cool and soothing when i feel like it. I might have dark and bleak visions of the future or should i say the futures? The tree of life grows from one stem but has many, many branches. My ancestors knew that, but i guess they were a little more 'down to earth' as they say.
we'll see ...
or not...
clinical immortality lies within grasp but i hope it hides a while still ... imagine seven billion locusts breeding and not dying, unable to control the spread. Exponential growth explosion worse than now. How much matter does this planet have, and how many humans can it be transformed in.
Didnt you know? You can't make something out of nothing (unless you're a hiphop dj or a god maybe...pun/grazz) every molecule of human uses building blocks present in the environment. Or are you still at the bird drops it down the chimney stage?
I would LOVE to do the math but i have no clue where to start ... just exactly how much matter is available, and just exactly how much matter does an average human take up as an adult, without the consuming, just the body itself. Do we get input from above ... not heavenly manna but remnants of comets and spacedust dropping down adding matter to the place?
As a matter of fact, is there a maximum weight this planet can bear? How many humans would it take before it just collapes down to the core?
what the fuck is he talking about ...
it's my thoughts, no use yes or no-ing there, they're there.
putting the meta in physics since 1973 ... half past four ... i think i'm gonna smoke the fag once more and get some horizontal non-activity, i hate to see the sun rise on a sunday.
BRrrrzzzz , these people take negationism to a whole new level. It creeps me out, and im not talking about the holocaust. Why do they insist on talking to me as if none of the thousands of days before ever were?
It's spooky and robotic, and very much UN real
right ... it's sunday ... and i'm stuck in a box on a dusty shelf in a shed in the graveyard of the trailerpark in the back-end of the multiverses attic ... what the fuck do you expect?
another round of snow and lightning then ...
something just struck me ... with all the self-exploding monkeys in the whole wide world doing the best to bring you judgment day as far as monkeys understand it, how come there's like NO attempts at churches virtually none, there's NO threats or attempts at the vatican and NO attempts at the pope. I mean the guy must be like the manservant of their side of satan, even worse than Obama or the bushes where it started. (it started a bit before actually, but you know, if you live in the past, you're history)
makes you wonder
makes me wonder at least, i'm never scared of being singled out ... i have always been, there i feel more comfortable than when i try to feel conformable. Is that a word? now it is if it wasnt now it is.
So, if these guys are like the one true god versus the other one true god. How come they dont attack the other dudes very citadel?
Its not that hard to get into Italy...probably less hard than it is to get into the divided states of we rule you so shut up or we shoot.
So, it seems to be political, rather than religious, given the targets they chose so far (actually they blew up more of their own so far, see, there's different kind of nut in any religion and you know your side is always as right as theirs is wrong, right? Right, that goes for you too yea.)
Still, it seems more political than religious and if i were to go out on a limb and take the manservant of the antfarmkid in the sky to be as shrewd as he could be given his position. Considering the lack of vatican targets, i would dare think they kinda ... could ... maybe ... even support it, after all, what better way to gather than to divide and scare, the ENEMY IS THEM, its always been like that. No better plan to unify your division than to find the common enemy ... the terrerriztz make possible what before would never have been accepted. They also make the vatican look like sheepy douchebags. I just dont get how the pedophile protectorate gets tolerated. I guess dirty laundry is a perk when you have monopoly to confession booths worldwide.
i'll stick with the non serviam guy for now ... respect needs earning and they have wasted all of that hundreds of years ago.
and when i say any religion, i mean any religion. Even the high atheists have this elevated stance where nothing is true if they can't confirm it, nothing but their own fundamentalist disbelief. Even if its impossible to disprove. They're as dogmatic as every single one they scorn. Rejecting something that you can't disprove is just the same to me as accepting something that you can't prove. To them obviously not.
Sunday afternoon graveyard silence. Everything i've ever wanted since i sure as hell wont get any of that WHEN IM DEAD... you know what really took me a long time to understand ... just how few people there are who actually grasp the concept of cynic and sarcastic. It really took me a long time to get that, well, them, not ... that. If they did, zero punctuation would be a prime time tv host.
Google wont let me add to my playlists, coincidence. You know, i think coincidence doesnt really exist. Not that i see the hand of the great hippie or the faceless one in it. Or any of the others who came before them (and actually lasted a few thousand years longer than the ones we have here now so far), it's not like everything happens for a reason, but everything that happens sure happens because ... because yes, because of some cause , some event that came to pass on the left side of the arrow of time. Why left, dunno ... arabic's written right to left i'm told, so do they paint timelines in the same way? I have no idea, i should ask someone who knows if i get the chance.
i should post this on my webspot in blogform... what was a blog before blogs were blogs ... it didnt have a name? It still existed. Sounds like there's a buddhist koan inthere or at least an eloquent discours by the main man himself on how all things are illusion.
I could use the coding practice and the braintrain always helps to not stumble into slumber. Maybe in some hidden gimmick pass the test form hack it if you wanna read it?
It's not a testament of any kind im way not done here. It's my thoughts as they come along while i'm close enough to the medium that helps me carve them into digital stone tablets.
After all, who cares because you do, and who cares because i do ?
I need some sugarjuice. Coffee's fine but more than one cup an hour tends to give the opposite effect. Good thing the pakistanis established an embassy...i wouldnt know where else to buy stuff on the day of the loard ...
i wish i could find some browser that leaves out all the ads ... whenever i see 'singles', i can't help but think 'dysfunctional damaged antisocial with kids from at least one other guy so desperate they need to ho themselves in public to get bought' ... i dont think i could ever connect with someone who feels like that is a thing to do. I have way more respect for a paid ho than i will ever have for an attention ho
Not that i do a lot of ho's, i seriously dislike condomns (in a non-pope way), the things like turn me off before i put them on, so a lot of ho's is really out of the question. It makes sluts kinda useless as well, at least the ho's use condoms so they're prolly clean... maybe i should look for a next gf who's into the profession ... skilled woman to fuck without condom as long as she wears one on the job? Doesnt sound all that crazy to me. (even makes my naughty bits tingle a little just thinking about it)
Yea i'm sure i'm clean, i have myself tested at least once a year wether i got laid or not, and considering my habits, i didnt get laid a lot lately ... need steady partners for that, partner ... or -s i can trust.
Dating site 'singles' are definitely out of the question. Unless they wanna work for me? to quote the short dog : why go around sucking all that dick for no money ?
back ...
the guy has like four or five shops, doesnt show ... he still works them himself as well, not alone ofcourse. Strikes me how these people get pictured as the ones ruining the country while no one else holds shop on sunday or at night. Another contradiction in the list of many more
man, these thoughts are hard to stop it's like a train that starts a rollin ... train of thought
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on the subject of the elder symbols ... i recently saw an episode of an american series, not half bad, not really good, the kind of thing you watch when tired, and definitely better than most shit you get here on tv.
It was like all of the elder gods gathered round a table, well not all of them ... you had odin in a pilot jacket, the messenger of the gods wore a suit, and they all ate human flesh ... now i'm used to taking all of these storyboards with a few tons of grains of salt but that completely missed the ball ... portraying the bloodgod as an entity that toys and doenst care, i get that. But the flesh-eating elders? True, they did have human sacrifice. Few times a year, some of it involved ingesting bits ... it was said you gained the power of the sacrificed if you did.
The south americans knew a few ways of sacrifice, maybe more than any other tribe ever, EXCEPT the ones we have now. Compared to what Cortez did in the name of the crucified jew (yea, you know it was kinda a jew, right, definitely not with blue eyes and white skin), compared to what the spanish did back there in south america, all the sacrifices in the name of any other gods piled together become just one speck on a red hot bloody plate. And that's not to mention the endless war we had since the arrival of monotheism, or should i say the hostile takeover. Just how many have died fighting the one other side? Before monotheism you had very few religious world wars. Since then, in the name of the crucified jew and the other prophet who's name shall not be spoken lest your head be cut off on youtube. We have had oceans of sacrifice in their name.
So the elder gods seem just a bit more regal and divine imo, they definitely make a lot more sense.
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That thought like crossed my mind when i saw that one single episode.
They were also more symbols of explanation instead of symbols of subjugation. Odin covered the night sky, the stars was the daylight peeking throught the holes in his cape. Thor fought the storm giants, flashing lightning as he threw his mighty mjolnir. Shiva dances the balance of the universe, keeping stars and moons and planets in check as he does.Ganesha, the elefant, remover of obstacles, Kali the destroyer, removes old life to bring new. Sekhmet the lion had to be stopped by the overgod who tricked her into drinking wine instead of blood until she passed out, because she was so mad with mankind she would have eaten all of them. Bast, the celebration of life, fertility and basic love of life. All symbols of explanation. The druids and the shamen of old...doctors, lawyers, judges, alchemists and in the eye of the crowd wizards.
Now? symbols of listen to the one dictator or you will go to hell. Be a good subject all your human life, dont act up and when you're dead you get your heaven. Hundreds of years now.
See what i mean? It's just twisted, all of it.
The whole present world is one big lie.
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i'm willing to believe some people have regrets, but how could i hold high the symbol of the lux -ifer, the lightbearer, speaker of truth, if give in to illusion just to make it easy till the day i die?
easy tends to get boring in a lot of cases, if i make it easy i'll have to do it my way
mantra?
My mind is a tower of iron will
I shall know no fear
I shall not falter, shall not waver
I will walk blindly
into the darkness
eyes closed
ever forward
for i know i will prevail
(unspoken: and if i dont? my body will become the road, the road made of the ones who fell before us, died trying, the road i chose to walk)
the words dont really matter, the intention does, it opens the way to a clear mind, the fundament of meditation i am told
for now, most of the time i have a hard time thinking when my dick is talking
yes ofcourse, i have been labelled many things, and every single one of them i can use now. I'm that right, experts said it so why act surprised if i act that way?
NO, i dont identify myself with gods or devils ... or superheroes ... i'm very , very sane. I use symbols that inspire me, the ones i choose that speak to me, its like a tree, a system to hang your thoughts in , stand aside and look at them.
Ignorance is no excuse, your judges said to me ... that's your law then ?
Fine, whoever got in my way, fucked up my life ... you didnt know ?
well
ignorance is no excuse i guess
you know i had another one somewhere on a g+ account which i deleted cos face it, all that social networking? it's just masturbation of the ego, digital narcissism, you just post, people like it, but it all means nothing, you just get confirmation, its a form of dopamine production like any other. 99% of the people on there you dont know, you will never meet and they will not have anything to do with your life whatsoever.
So i deleted it, like any other accoutn, no matter how many 'followers' or 'friends' (wtf?) on there, no matter how many likes. I hear its a very buddhist thing to do, even if i myself am not an -ist...kinda the prime directive of ole Sid there, about his first realization to set him on his path : EVERYTHING GOES)
umm but, i was saying
i got this thing where the big shot of europe (well they let him live in the illusion that he is, belgium comes in handy there) likes to write haiku so i wrote one for him ... for all of them in fact :
here goes:
Ego,
i have to slap it silly
it's blocking the plot
i try not to pat myself on the back too much as well when i do something good, i try to realize it only means the way was opened for so many other things that need doing, the fun never stops...
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I'm sure most of these people think they are as great and wise as they think they are ... it's an inevitable consequence of having an army licking your ass every waking moment to get on top of the shoulder of the one in line before them.
It IS inevitable, but there's no wise men on the mountain anymore ... no oracles outside the world who oversee, no guidance ... no one to show them, their egos grew out of their suits for way too long.
only the paper laws of men who are long dead
and look where it got us
right here, right now
think i'll let it rest a little now ... its endless, like the famous Chi ... but still, if you drain the well too much, even the wellspring of wisdom has to recover sometimes, the strands of chaos are always everywhere, they aint going nowhere.
i got that metaphore from some hime romantic-detective anime series ...Victorique de Blois...little locked up princess spent her life in the biggest library and knows everything... see inspiration is not stealing, and if it is , steal and use whatever inspires you, just dont rip people off
(unless they had it coming or you're really, really hungry ofcourse)
the internet my hivemind .. be wary of the ones who try to control it, chaos will not be controlled
guess you can't just stop a train with a handbrake, i'll just let the last momentum bubble out before i force myself into total escapism (another ism omgz)
i guess if we are a manifest of the universe trying to understand itself then that's just it ... rinse and repeat with inspiration until all is said and done
(thats a b5 reference but im gonna stop doing that or i'll be turning this into a linkmess)
bit like the nine billion names of god
MORE TEXT THAN YOU CAN HANDLE
none of the foreseeable futures are acceptable, all of them are empty and crystallized and hollow. No fire there, no life, just uncertainty ... or rather certainty of nothing
uncertainty ... how do you explain the principle?
the atheist could say : uncertainty does not exist, i've never seen it
the catholic : accept uncertainty or burn in hell
the muslim : uncertainty is the will of allah
the buddhist : uncertainty is certainly an illusion
the taoist : to choose the path of uncertainty is to walk a shady road
the jew : in the beginning there was uncertainty and uncertainty was god
scientology : i have a book about uncertainty, i'll sell it to you for half of what you have and you will certainly gain insight on all matters great and small
stephen hawking goes like : guys, i could try to explain this shit for ten days in a row and you'd still be left with uncertainty
me ? i'm almost glad that nothings absolutely certain, if it were i'd probably give up
but i cant cos that would be like
not me
no coffee tonight, i'll stick with cigarettes ... no smoking in the bedroom before marriage tho ... union ... that thing i'm on about because i miss it almost most
i'll go smoke the fag in the garden then ...
healthy ? skjoozmee? i quit like seven things already, gimme a break before i break you a new one
did i leave someone out ? o sorry, i'm not a stand up comedian, just a standup guy with a tood the size of jupiter, so if you nag too much i'll stick it up uranus (that was lame hah aha)
no sex no drugs no rock&roll, no life
cat says DUDE IM HERE forget about that shit
ok
one more smoke and then oblivion embrace me
bring me twisted dreams and make the worlds foundations shake
1) privacy (referring as to, how the fuck do you react to things you couldnt possibly have seen,...anyone feel like filling me in on that? how much coincidence is needed before it becomes improbable ? to one who holds probability as the best certainty you get, just as much as it takes)
that top-down/bottom-up thing is (probably) all too true, but it only stretches so far
2) pretending family eating whith national news in the background, right my idea of heaven once again. talk about food? food is just feeding when there's no life to go with it. I tried to explain many many times, now i just sit silent and avoid the fight. I dont need it here, its every day i dont get thru ?
the words : yea meat fine ... i'd rather have five euros on my plate and eat a sandwich. money, in this illusionary state of being i got stuck in, seems to be the only means of having choice. Ofcourse after the umpteenth clash negated i dont pour energy into it anymore. Might need it for something important.
I can not live what never was, and i refuse to pretend, that only makes it worse since it looks like everything is fine AND IT IS NOT
yea, whatever, maybe if they didnt kick me out when things were worst, with all the consequences after ? maybe, we will never know that, will we now. It doesnt matter and i dont care. Your opinion is irrelevant, you lost the right to speak when you didnt when you had to.
Do all humans die every single day, forgetting what was before? It seems to be a very bad habit. Or are they just incapable of change and adapting to the situation.Darwin would have had something to say about that, wouldnt you have, Charles?
I know i am, doing ma thang, paid my dues, trying again, and i know by all the gods and devils, angels and demons, spirits, ancestors and forces of chaos that ever existed i WILL do it if there's a shred of a chance, I WILL IT, even if i got fucked over by state, family and friends way too many times. I'm not gonna take it and smile. But i'm afraid this time i can't afford to just be friendly to people trying to help and fuck it up again with good intentions. After all i have to this and that.
NO I DONT, i wasnt treated like this and that, i dont have to do SHIT.
You have lost all leverage, comply or die.
I'll need a LIFE, young and skinny thing for fun and fucking, MORE money to spend and to know my soul and cats are safe.
NOTHING i didnt have before , TWICE, until some oldworld thinking fucked it up and me over, probably with the best of intentions. I'm not the one who's going to adapt to the habits of a dying world here. Many more come after me, its OVER
I'd like to not hurt those broken excuses of human, i try, that's why i SHUT THE FUCK UP so much because lying is something i try to avoid at all times, and not only for moral reasons. Lies become constructions, they make your life complicated, you have to feed them and maintain them at all times, no matter the new variables that come into play. So its best not to.
ever
its unavoidable in a world of word and paper but that doesnt change what is.
I know all of them are just products of their environment but this mah frend ... this is self-defense.
now ... what was the word in the only decent adam sandler movie ever (nicholson might have something to do with that)? hoos frabba ?
little games ... little games ... the shadows tell me ... little games
dont worry, i've long since learned revenge is a dish best served cold
i'll just keep it on the inside, a little more oil on the fire wont make that much difference
Other grandpa was a rock. Survived two wars, one as a kid another as a soldier and entrapped in german labour camp. Props to the man, always the provider ... he didnt talk a lot about the wars tho tho the times he did he didnt talk much when he did. Survivor, doing what it takes, came back to wife and family. Fine example if you ask me .. nothings black and white ofcourse, he probably killed a few and saw a lot die. He died of what's called old age tho, so i hope my genes take after him, i got a lot of catching upping still to do if the vendetta doesnt burst out before i get to do it.
I have a coin, a half a dollar coin, 1972, kennedy's head on it ... it says in god we trust ... maybe they shouldnt trust in something that just asks and never gives.
Sometimes i use it for decision making ... after all i'm a force of chaos, not an agent, i have to do these things right, it's the rules.
After all of this today i asked it if i should just delete this doc and format c:
It said no :)
I probably would have dunnit if it had said yes.
Think that's weird?
Weirder things have happened ... the fate of nations has depended on animal entrails thrown out into a random pattern. Battles weren't fought because of just one flock of birds passing by at the right, or wrong, moment. People who did all that made history until the present day.
Not that i have ambitions to be any kind of hero. Anything lower than Iskandr the Grand would be way below my status :p
Not a lot of opportunity for world conquest these days, its grown too big but still it is so very very small.
Speck of dust, not even that, one single particle in the whole wide rug of spacetime.
Coincidence? Well, in fact its a dance between kinetic energy, matter and the elusive gravity. I bet you half a dollar a skilled trickster could even flip it to fall like he wanted it to fall.
Elusive gravity, the force that binds it all together. Well in fact as far as i understand to make the math fit it's divided into more than one force, one for the quantum level and one for the ...uh... astrolevel ? I don't understand gravity at all, its calculated as a particle in some cases (as far as i understand ofcourse again) but my real impression is actually no one in the whole wide world gets it yet.
Which is good, makes me feel less stupid.
Lots of theories tho, beautiful, crazy and most of them uncomprehensible. Rock on physics soldiers ...
Light, when you leave out the math, as a concept is a litte simpler to grasp. Or maybe not with the wavelength and particle nature at the same time it being everywhere at once ... but the thing is, in all of that everything is calculated with light as the fastest 'thing', nothing says it is ... it's just, well ... maybe not that easy :)
Nothing SEEMS to move faster, take for instance the telescopes we have, they like paint a picture of what was, not what is, because what is doesnt reach us, but the light of what was does, so in fact, all these observations over lightyears dont really tell us what exactly is out there right now.
Maybe everythings long gone and we're the last sad little galaxy, waiting to return to the one as the buddhist would say.
I think the one should hurry up, the circle was too big and this place went all awry.
Fascinating matter
I ask Einstein but he just smiles his little buddha smile at me like, dude ... i KNOW, I get it ... i have seen and tasted the fruit and the light at once. Wish i could summon the guy, would be most interesting seances. Darwin never looks happy really, child of his time i guess, all serious like that. Jim looks tired and stares in the distance, as if he could see the next life coming already, weary of this one, knowing life would not go up from there. I think the pictures on that lp were taken not too long before he gave it up.
I can see why schoolbookfolk would diagnose me bipolar, especially in a world that divides everything in binaries ... this/that, left/right, black/white ... us/them. I have to disagree, i'd be at least pentapolar then and i guess a lot more than that. I think bipolarity is more or less the norm, if you dont choose between this or that you're kind of an odd number and a freak, right?
If i add up all the things all those people (three people actually) called me i'm not on the borderline but way over that madonna song deep into the unknown.
The good place to be as long as you're not spotted. Everyone's afraid of that what's in the dark.
Must have something to do with the goat hoove stories.
I could repeat all that i said before here , because nothing of it changed yet, but that would wear my keyboard out and i'm tired.
to bed , alone, again ... not good.
not good
not
good
(bad)
how long before i snap? will i snap?
i dont know,and frankly my dear, i dont give a damn about that if it happens its on o so many heads
pet for the vet tomorrow morning set the alarm ... poor thing loses hair on her little legs. Other than that, happy and frisky as a kitten. I hope i dont have to take her overthere for further examination. I feel horrible with that little cage. Never wanna stick them in unless its for leaving this hellhole of a country behind.
this is not a testament, not a testimony i don't explain or educate. I let it out before my head explodes and as it comes along. Not like i got many people to discuss these things with (none id say) or instruct me in the delicacies of einsteins wonders so that i might gain a glimpse of genius myself.
But more important since it always fronts itself : no sex no glory, no life no nothing
mh ... if ubuntu refuses to include the screensaver i might still have to downgrade it a version or two after all.
mh, i could use a ring like that to restore some natural chaos to the order after all, order is a manmade concept is it not, like straight lines? things fall into order by themselves as they stagnate, any other kind of order must be artificial
working people outside cutting trees into shapes acceptable to old folk ...
sure, i'll jump out of bed dancing, performing an act from visserke vis (its a childish poem that got very popular among local hippies here ... must have been the weed)
ahem ...
do i look like or did i ever give the impression that i'm interested in pop-ular or being that?
I think you saw a reflection of yourself, its what you people do with everything, the overlay you lay on the world before you see it. Dont make me like you , i am not.
And ladies, no one understands you like i do.
I mean, i dont do casanova bullshit. If i dont like that dress you're gonna get it. At least you wont get out on the street in a skirt that DOES make your skinny ass not right because the guy who wants to get in your pants just goes along with everything you say.
I'm like, if you dont like that, you should definitely not get close to me. Lies and i dont mix very well.
See, apart from the big and the small cats, the human females, or at least a lucky bit of those have gotten the talent of grace.
Lagerfeld was right, no one wants to see round models. Just look around you ... all the superstars and models, the ones everyone looks up to ... the ones who MADE it, millions and fans and stalkers all included. No round models there.
And its not a gay thing, its a thing from wouldbe casanovas who dont get laid with their own wife unless they lie.
If reading this makes you wanna hide, by all means do, cos that's how this world is.
Consider it a gift, if you got lucky with the right cards at birth and you know how to use them and are not afraid to, ladies, you know you can make a dog do everything right.
(i'm more like temple of the cat really but thats another matter);:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:<--see cat wanted to say something as well
Besides, respect can never be based on lies.
I'll say it again, keep your fat chicks away from me, keep your single moms away from me. I don't do second hand genes either. If that insulted you, i'm fine with that as long as i'm clear on the subject.
I've been on edge for quite a while now in this shitty half-life i just wont fit. So it's fuck first ask questions later.
o no wait, that came out wrong
or did it ?
why should i care, if you got this far and are confused ... so am i :)
Yea, the sweet guy, i'm sure you've heard about him. He's inhere somewhere but i dont think he comes out by day anymore.
right ... so um i euh
put all this on digital paper and thirty minutes later i get a mail from the ugly fat bitch who like ratted me out to the cops over 50 xtc pills ...after not having seen her since the cops took me out for a confrontation as they call it, if i ever meet her again, its probably to leave her in a ditch, like the mob i dont forgive, and i sure as hell dont forget ... not heard since she tried to contact me by phone years after, now after this the mail.. is this more of your uh... whatchu call it? coincidence ?
right ... the chance of coincidence decreases with the number of times unlikely things happen within a certain timeframe, but i'm sure you knew that, it's like basic kindergarten stuff at schools right?
its not?
oh ... right
take a look at the world now
you should try these little pre-kids ... you'd be amazed at what they can grasp if brought in the right way.
let me just repeat this in english once more ... as long as there's no fucking, and i dont get more money to spend, anything else is really NOT gonna interest me ... after that, anything might be possible
or not
we'll see
or not
if that doesnt work for you, then please FUCK OFF, dont waste my time, someone will get eight of my years carved out of their hide already.
(see how polite i really am, i still said please)
plenty of time for friends (you know those things you keep around to make you feel better but at the end of the day you're still on your own and if they get the chance they knife you anyway?)
its like, my one and only d&d dungeon master liked to say :
what part of the word NO did you not understand?
yea aD&D, sure, hours, DAYS ...you know the five or six guys i played that with were like lsd-licking xtcpopping speed and coke snorting weedsmokers, making money as it came along, some still there, most of them turned into your kind, one even made it big i hear, he did ofcourse leave this hellhole country, something any sane person with money would do.
the dm himself was the most sober and probably the smartest dude i ever met tho, didnt have a problem with any of the others and they not with him.
I think its called openminded , as opposed to left- or rightwinged stuck up.
I still fail to see the nerd in that ... pretty gangsta, xept for the ape-like threatening and the guns.
It's like every single experience in my life was like fate showing me the hypocrisy of every single second of yours.
after i get what i need, first things first.
that's how we gonna do this
dont get in the way
what ?
still talking?
here's the hand .. talk to that one
worst thing i did was try to live this life that's not even a life ... lost all those great independent contractor contacts :) what a fucking shame, i sure as hell didnt get anything for being the good guy
(o and um, if i get some chameleons out there, dont do what i say dont try to be me, it will get you utterly destroyed because you are you)
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you know the pic on that vid here id put a wallsized poster of it up but i dont have a wallsized printer or the money to buy one :
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You know why i like this here song so much?
At one time, when i was dealing coke and heroin. I rented a hotelroom in the most luxury hotel in town. My brownskin moroccan gangster girlfriend got abducted by her sister and a friend and they put her in some rehab dump. I didnt wanna see a lot of people. She called me to ask me where i was. I said here and here and this and that you know. She just eloped, took a train without money all the way back and joined me.
I called the man, ordered pizza (you know ... pizza) few hours later the receptionist called up asking if we had a fire in the room because of all the crystallized coke (you could call it crack i guess, its processed coke for smoking in a pipe, easy to cook up) and heroin we were smoking. I just opened the window and put the guy at ease ...
smoked it yea, smoked , snorted that shit till my nose fell off, smokes it till i coughed up dust, NEVER EVER stuck a needle in my skin. Never will either. I got lust for life but i'm not retarded, was hard enough to get off that shit without the needle lying to me as well.
In all honesty, the only thing id still do is xtc (as in mdma) and the occasional tick of speed if i dont want the night to end yet. But i'm stuck in the land of alchohol is cool and everything else is dreeeugs.
Right ... seems like xtc has vanished from the planet as well.
See, i dont need shit from no one who hasnt been where i am.
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thats why this song really speaks to me
You know what i had back then? An addiction the size of your chrysler building, sure i'll admit that.
I had respect, money, more women than extensions on my body, and a life where every choice i made was mine. See, they made me give it up, but they gave nothing in return. And now i'm out of patience.
So excuse me if i feel like the dark side has done SO much more for me than your guard dogs ... i'll join them back in the blink of an eye if ever i get a trustworthy connection. All your kind did was fuck me over, lock me down and lie. Take everything, give nothing back, right? I thought that's what your dreaded hunted down pirates did.
So what would you expect, a thank you perhaps? You think i'm here for your entertainment or something? I didnt choose this. I'm here because this is the least suck option that's available.
That's all there is to it.
Maybe all that coke drove out the fear forever ... i think that has more to do with the back against the wall caged nothing to lose anymore thing really...
You wouldnt believe the things i've seen, i dont believe a lot of them, some of them were all too real really.
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lol, well, chuckle more like it , i wouldnt dare begin that one in my present state of mind. iphone? sari? guccibag? roflmao, fashion right ... biebar and blabla , right?
sure man, just dont bother me with that, it's like glass, see right through it into the hollow of you.
yea i thought it was time for a little truth, time to kill this game
its not a game, its my FUCKING LIFE, i said it before, and i'll say it again, this is self defense, if its kill or be killed be dam sure I WILL where you will hesitate
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Luke's gotta eat bro, if you keep taking his sandwich while he sleeps the dark side will be the only choice (i think its too late already but i havent seen Luke in a while, he doesnt like to go out in public)
what?
the games? yea, the games, always with the games ... see, the games dont pretend to be real like all of those illusion you shove down my throat all the time. Besides, it's the best thing i have to keep me occupied right now. I'd rather be doing concerts and movies and see the world with one or more fuckables to take along or come home to. But i already said that, like a few thousand times.
Just like anything else.
I refuse to accept the situation until it is a situation that i chose ... this will not change, and semantics is not reality.
(no, nowhere without my cats, i already said that as well, i dont have to repeat every line ever? Which doesnt mean i need to take them to a bar or to that foreign place i always wanted to see...in a travel kinda way, you know... not i a moving kind o way, no moving without, you know)
this is going in circles, but thats how must humans work, right, in spirals more likely
yea, i actually think most people ARE that blind
mmh ... by the way (should i start adding hour ... it'll be easier automated on the website with a timestamp i guess, i'm just not, ummmmmotivated to start with it)
i was tasting and thinking, there's at least one decent thing to come out of modern day america : chocolate chip cookies (they're called new yorkers here in the store so i'm assuming they are) and brownies
err, that's two then
and the olsen twins maybe but whats the point if you just get to look at them huh .?
..okay, and Zoe saldana ... its a skinny thing as always with me...
coincidence, right?
being polite costs actually nothing, not even effort until someone fails to be it to you.
common basics of interaction.
no ... why would i do line to sit at home? someone asked the question at sometime if not not long ago. Might improve the game performance at the hour of suck like now but that would be like really ott and a waste of good chemicals indeed.
I think Homefront is an underrated game. Daring theme, atmosphere well played. But right now it seems i couldnt hit a truck with a bazooka. Suck me ... i mean, i suck ofcourse , now, not always ofcourse not
think i'm getting tired. babbling tongues, eating my own grenades now that's a clear omen of needsleep
wake up to the sound of chainsaw two days in a row. They're trying to keep the trees in check to keep up the illusion it is men who rule the place, not the place who rules men.
Fat chance of that but lies is the fundament of human life, right.
If it were up to the old hags they'd probably just mow them all down so they don't have to clean up the leaves when it sheds preparing for the new year to spring.
As if their children and their children's children don't need any tree around. As if their heritage, the life's pollution is worth more than one single tree to clean the air defiled with their presence.
I think they've done enough damage already, the world as is the present to the future.
hmz ... meh
bah
fix it before it fixes you, you already have plenty of cancer, more than you can handle it seems, make me wonder what the next line of defense against the virus is
twelve monkeys ? a virus for virus, vendetta on a planetary scale, it IS alive, it will try to balance and survive. And it's bigger than all of you.
Still no FFxiii-2 demo, i think the americans will treat the europeans like paying but not customers ... again...
And yea ... their little lived out lies of lives ARE worth less than any tree that's left. It's not the trees that are the problem, not the stray cats not even the rats.
There's only one species growing out of proportion atm killing everything in its path.
Only one
I wouldnt mind, they're just slowly killing themselves making everything unlivable in the end. It's fitting, poetic justice.
I wouldn't mind, if only they were just not like breathing MY fucking air and make it stink.
The package arrives thats fast i havent even paid for it ??!?
Fair enuff, my word is good for money and it will be. The tension in the air from humans around knowing it even if i carefully avoided telling makes the atmosphere like solid rock would pressure, it's virtually unlivable so i avoid their being close. It's worse than lies and its unhidable.
privacy has what, seven letters in it? truth only five ... still it seems to be hard to understand to most.
I dont do hints, i dont react to them, i dont accept them, only outright, if you cant or wont or dare, then stay away you're not a friend, not even an ally, only those who do are.
I cant stand unspoken expectation, i cant stand being tested without my explicit spoken consent. I cant STAND the absence of words while they are clearly in the air between. I can't stand the idle words that mean nothing but the play from day to day.
call it spidey sense, or intuition, think of it what you will, twist it with semantics to make it even worse for me ... all of that changes nothing at all.
14 months, i dont think i'm really gonna start with it until i have the house alone and full of stray alphawaves ... maybe those ones are better described as escaped betawaves or something its like ozone. It can be whatever, but when it's there it's there, unspoken, but tangible almost.
Woaw, 15 year old rockguitarstar? Not saying id jump her bones in a dark alley, but if that doesnt make your bits itch just a little bit you're obviously a homo.
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Okay i just got a new theory : if you're gonna spend money on something you won't use, because in fact you don't know what it is but someone else has it and you hear a lot of talk about it. Don't, give that money to me, you have wasted it anyway for nothing to do nothing with it, while i GOT nothing and i know a zillion things to do with it :)
it's a win-win situation there
i will never get these people ... ever, i understand their mechanics but their unwillingness to think and their never relenting capability of just swallowing bullshit NEVER ceases to amaze me.
It's a small event in a long line of wtf but do explain to me why one would buy a blurayplayer, if one doesnt own a single bluray disc and never actually buys even a dvd ? Especially since the old dvdplayer was broke and it cost ONLY 25 euros extra for this one instead of getting just another under warranty. Is that considered an upgrade?
I consider it better give that money to me, at least it will be used for use instead of gathering dust.
Just one tiny little in a long line it's un-fucking-believable.
It is
Einstein was right, the universe IS boundless
Fix up the house where it's needed? Fire safety in electricity? Nooooo, ofcourse not.
Spend money on too much expensive food and booze, buy shit you never use.
Sure, yea, without question.
Why? I already said why, you people live a lie until you become the living lie and you believe it because its just what is, and you're afraid of being singled out. It's about the easiest button there is : GUILT
I wouldnt give a flying fuck about that anymore, but when it intersects with my prohibited locked-down halflife, i can tell you that i do. I really, deeply DO...
not in a hippie-sense ofcourse, in a sense of self-defense
let me spell the hard parts out again : what part of privacy did i misspellll? 2)unless you get me something i want/need, stay away from me and dont enlighten me with your opinions i have heard them all and none of them are valid anymore.
3)my only friend telss me the truth always, IT is real, everything else is decoys 4)as long as i dont have what i need everything else is futile and leads to nothing ... now take your demented arse and act accordingly.
8) if there's no fucking and i dont have more razzle in my pockits, IM NOT INTERESTED, anything else comes after that
0) my cats always come first, they are the only ones who never lied to me
6 and 7) NOTHING's changed so far, if one thing things got only worse and are declining
yea yea, you always do that when you find out you were wrong ... again ... but in the meantime all those doubts and bad thoughts in my general direction aggravated me beyond simple let it go, it's too late again, you fucked up
AGAIN
so, very, very tired from constantly having to keep my shields up
even the uss enterprise couldnt withstand constant battery without having to warp once in a while
i have no clue how i keep the mask of polite up, but apparently i can.
i have a suggestion for the traditional opening sentence in these parts of the shire :
ask the ones who quit the occupational therapy before i did. give them your advice, help them to become silent parts of your machine. And when you molded them into whatever you think is acceptable, then please still leave me alone, i'll figure it out myself, anything you offer only seems to make it worse.
Read from top again if you missed a bit.
NO
leave me alone, the answer is NO, you stole too much, i want it back first
peace or annihilation
now, number one, you have the bridge, i need to warp to daylight gone
i despise this fucking place and all its petties, and i pray i dont explode in the face of people who know nothing trying to help me
dont wake me up unless its about sex or money or a fellow q in trouble
i just cant get to sleep, something's keeping me awake. The working shit, work for the state that took everything to pay for half the shit i havent even done and other shit that would have long been paid off if i didnt get 'helped out' ?
NO
because everyone has to do it? that would have required me being treated like everyone, which didnt happen, and now is more or less impossible and way too late
NO
as long as im stuck here
NO
the offer's still the same, the part time job in three or four days not five or six half so i lose the whole week again, if not:
NO
it's the same it was so many years ago after i tried for the last time and everything got taken again anyway
so NO, dont push me, leaveit be, your life is not mine i'm not you, and you dont know shit about this so LEAVE IT BE
i can explode any moment, can be days or weeks months or not, i prefer not to
RTFM or leave it be
there is nothing you can force me with you took it all away
there's things i am GOING TO do, i keep them to myself as much as possible before some idjit decides that it's not a good idea for me. mind the caps, they're way bigger in real life than on paper
if it's my choice then it's my responsability and the consequences are mine
if it is not, then i have no responsibilities at all
you owe me eight years, i want them back
i don't care whose fault it is, i'm not looking for a scapegoat i have plenty
guilt is one of your buttons, not mine, it got jammed a long, long time ago
your world, not mine,
you made that very clear EVERY single time rejected, cast me out and treated me like weird
now you broke it, now you fix it, it is none of my concern until i'm free
so very, very
very tired
tired of this world, but not by long tired of life, it might be the only one i get, i cant have anything destroy it any further
hm, i feel someone misunderstood something there, not just the bit about privacy, no one was pointing guns at anyone but do you think a guy comes out in the middle of the night of gotham city to bring you your deal of c&h with just a pack of mints in his pocket and without backup ? It's not the fucking american ghetto man, swinging guns in open street gets you arrested. All was everything cool and clean, invisible to passersby if ever there were any.
Things are done polite, no threats no namecalling, the dogs around don't bark without biting.
right sure yes ofcourse, zee world ... last time i checked taking my money and independence does not equal getting paid to care really
by the way, did someone forget to mention all of this? i sometimes feel there's a lot of talk, especially locally, this is just a little shield of truth and self defense, not by far half of my warpath.
i just wonder who's got the fucking nerve and especially why the fuck
There's definitely some parts of that that need adressing ... not the parts where i got busted for the things i did, even if they needed over 20 rats to get me down. The rats are a problem but no one cares if vermin gets exterminated, right?
I hear a lot of them have opted out already, the needle ...
The part where i got convicted despite five testimonies that i wasnt there and especially the part where i now have to pay fines for the guy who actually did it because he's back into jail and i stayed out so i got money they can take while he dont...
that part's gonna need adressing sooner or later, with angelic patience ofcourse.
that's just a little part ofcourse there's so much more, if there wasnt i would not be going on like this, or do i really sound like the idjit some people picture(d) me to be?
all fluffy clouds and sunshine here in belgium ... i'm sure i'm the only one this ever happened to ... ofcourse, it must have been all coincidence that judge probably only had the first two pages of the file and mistook it for the whole or something,
right ... now here i am , in half-life with no chance of quick release ... you owe me eight years ... i was down for only six months, but i'm still locked up now, all control over my own life carefully kept from me ... i don't take this and smile.
You label someone something, they become it, ask your local degree guy or doctor, i'm sure he will agree with that.
Still paying three years now for that fucking bullshit judge and asshole who i hope dies of an O.D. before i get to him, i'm not gonna sue him to get my money back. I never been to the porc, not for anything, when i got kicked down in the street by four or even ten guys, never saw them, if i raised my fists once it's like they crawled out of the sewer to get me.
I dont believe in their kind of organized crime.
Those laws are to control not to protect, to keep in check and extort, not to aid and prevent.
And i did get the rep to go with it, in smalville here, that's not really good ... the place is cool and quiet, beats living next to the railroad in a city, but anonimity here? Don't exist.
So much more about that, but that was only what, like two to three years of my life? The man made it eight now ... so the man and me, we don't agree you see. It doesnt define me, not one single thing does, but it's part of me so i will have no lies about it.
Mind you, those three years count as thirty when it comes to levelling xp :p
Not that i didnt do a little business on the side before ofcourse, when i was like 14-15 had this p.o. box importing software from holland to sell it via secondhand newspaper ... piracy was still a sailor thing back then, no one really knew what computers were in the shire. First girl i lived with we and her sold hash by ten grams each ... Luke's gotta eat man. No job no money, you get some, no? On the side right, if there was money to be earned with lame ass jobs it happened as well, but not like slaves compulsory.
Besides, if your girlfriends parents work a store selling ski's and expensive software, have more money than time to spend it and are in fact the sharing kind, you don't really NEED to do a dayjob if you dont feel like it. The thing is, this makes you dependant and sloppy after a while, and that thing is not a good thing really.
No one really cared about it either. Not like i was the only one, about everyone i knew then did it when they got the chance. It was pretty normal. Spare me the holier than thou types. When i worked i worked, when i didnt i didnt, my life, your world.
Life's too short to spend one third or half of it in the service of others.
Didnt really work out with the girl. After five years no more sexlife no more passion no more nothing. She got way too fat and actually so did i. All the respect in the world still makes my dick go limp if i have to shove the excess meat aside. Dont even wanna know the stories she hung up when we split up. Dont care, done is done.
Yea, i need that sex, more than once a week in fact. I'm not king Dong, i don't need viagra but i dont last for two hours straight.
Come to think of it no girl or woman ever asked me to. It's gets kinda raw from the friction after a while doesnt it. Besides there's more to a guy than just pumping dick in the hole when it comes to getting off. Squirting is no porn fantasy i've seen it happen (chuckles) ... porn aint sex but sex can be. My best experience some candles munchies movies, bottle of wine or bubbles maybe, big bed go, rinse and slippery repeat until you fall asleep sticking together. Very nice to me, better than hardcore going marathon if you ask me. No cuffs or playing nurse required. Just flesh and warmth and closeness inside out as it goes, no worries, no rush. I've learned you have to learn eachother so its different every person has its do's and dont's right. As far as i've seen even women have to learn their own body, orgasms take practice. Had a girl could get herself so worked up sometimes she left a puddle on the sheets when she erupted. Kinky dildo try-it-all ... (didnt work out either, neurotic compulsory control freak got the upper hand after a while)
sex ... this freak supermodeltype intern with endless legs practically invited herself over at the place i worked back then ... she was like ... bored with her guy obviously ... who was i to say no? She was in like fifteen minutes got down on her knees and worked me like a snoop dogg song. I was thirty she seventeen. You think that's criminal? Am i going to hell? Did i offend the loard? I dont think so, not like i forced anything, i didnt even have to ask or hint.
And frankly i dont think anyone in that position would say no.
I dare any guy who functions to stand there and then and to ignore and turn away. I dont think that will happen. Besides, i wasnt the one cheating there, didnt even have a girlfriend then. Cheating is not nor has it ever been my style. That's a trust thing, trust once broken, according to the principle of entropy that applies to all things known, is NEVER reinstated into its original state.
Went on to the couch, young hormonal bomb ... that night my ex-gf came over, we talked she got jealous. Practically raped me on the couch the exact same spot where i got lucky earlier that day.
memorable day indeed. And they say men are crazed sex animals
would i do it again, ofcourse, as long as i dont have a promise going on i dont see why not. If the girl or woman asks i see nothing but consent. Besides, dont get at me with your worlds morals where you destroy food then buy more to give away as aid ... just one thing that doesnt stick, none of them do actually. My conscience's pretty clear. Even after two years of no sex with my first livetogether i still hadnt even tried cheating. Read the statistics if you're in doubt.
Would i do it if a friends girl asked? I dont think so, thats the very same trust thing you got there. It's not that hard to go by. I would have dubio over wether to talk to him about it or not see, if you say it, like you should if its a real friend and he dont believe you, that relationship is gone as well. If you dont ... if you dont you're living a lie and can you still consider yourself his friend? That's the hard bit really.
...
So when i say i can't think when my dick is talking? All mens sana in corpore sano (sounds so much more intelligent huh)
Spinning offroad again ...the very least you could say is i'm not a stuck-up prude walking around with a stick up my ass as if queen victoria still rules the day (i think that guys name was Sigmund or something similar but didnt queen victoria actually rule the day back then? i'll soon find out i guess)
All of the above and more leads to the fact of me having a hard time getting along with women wanting treatment as a princess while acting like the bitch. Besides i said it i'm more for the priestessssssweet lady
open up your temple
guide me to your sanctuary
i need healing
like jim morrisson i'll be a spy in your house if love if you just hand me the key
What?
O really, are you one of those guys who would go sit at a streetcorner with a cup waiting for the nickles to drop down?
Well i'm not. Thing is, everything i try the last five years, legal (wtf would that be then) or not gets blocked, not at the start, but at a moment where i feel i'm getting there. One too many times again. And now i'm here, stuck in this too small golden cage with no options and not even control over the money i earn if i choose to do a dayjob.
What the fuck would you expect from that? Don't you understand why all this good advice is not getting on but way OVER my nerves by now. I guess not, the land of the blind?
Even explaining this in the face of people still gets me like construction work shoved in my face. You don't want me to build your house, it will collapse because that's not who i am and i'm not good at building houses and if i'm forced to do something the result will suck. They don't seem to get that. The offer i have is the best i'm giving and considering the circumstances, i think i'm being really, really nice still. I don't owe anyone jack shit but my compound interest on what i want back is ticking away
tick...
tock ...
yes, indeed, one of the aliases king benny is based on the guy from sleepers
Not my world but that is all said above before.
enough correction into truth i think. I was right to warp into daylight gone. The night was soothing as it should be.
Five o clock already, the wolf has left the realm of men, the daylight calling, sweet sorrow the bard said, i always miss the night before it's gone, even here in lucifer's cage with the empty bed and all.
Really have to gather myself and whip out the lines of Perl to get this going bloglike on my webspot. Makes it easier after just a bit of work, can include timestamps and mood of the moment and all that shyte. It's not that hard if you know how to.
Definitely better looking than a wordpad document...as long as it lasts, seems like my head's been overflowing lately.
really have to stop now before the flow turns forced
depressed? i dont get depressed, i get angry, i burn it away with red hot lava, i learned that ... its called adapt or survive.
wonder where my king diamond cd and xbox dvd is at ... not that i have ever NOT gotten a mailorder package ... lots of official papers disappeared or did not arrive during a certain period tho ... anyhow, the slacking of the snailmail never ceases to amaze ... its only one border away, it CANT take two weeks unless someone is slacking (or meddling again? never learn type o returd?) I lived a little too long with the Wellteachim family, that stuff seriously turns curse on your back-ass let me tell you. I hope its just the snailmail slacking. For your own good.
Sure, start the namecalling and semantics if you please, it doesnt really change anything. And i said it before, i'm not the one popping antipsychotics daily wihtout guidance of a specialist here...the atmosphere would make one suspicious from time to time. It is as usual the other way around you see.
Yea, true, all true ... everything yea ... no matter what smallville or the whole shire says...yea she did abort the kid ... whatever the consequence good or bad her own mother called me about it a few days before there's no denying about it ... yea the testimonies ... yea, the cop interrogating showed them to me ... signed testimonies saying i wudnt there ... just wanted to know what i knew about it...no denying it, no denying any of it.
No, never try that kid stuff again ... that was one shot, no go? then
NO
twilight, evening falls ...
friendship hm ... pink floy umma gumma youtube ... the cd got presented to me by one of my weedsmoking buddies, never really fully appreciated it with the being high every single day, it was just trippy to space out on
Friends ... hm, few years later he tried to fuck my that-time gf behind my back. Dunno if she gave in to it or not, nympho had some restraint issues ... doesnt matter, i'm a sharing guy, but that's a bit beyond the line. Didnt break up with her since i couldnt say for sure ... kinda did break down with the guy forever tho :) The kind of thing that would make you push someone down the stairs ten years after if you get the chance you know ...
I dont have trust issues, i just been fucked over way too many times.
i'm just gonna like copy paste the post here
Cat, the universes? definition of elegance and grace, the most beautiful expression of danger.
Particles and energy molded into the very celebration of life.
IF that one sapient didnt pick up that brick to crush the other ones skull over a piece of meat, the great cat might have very well been the top of the foodchain now, the world would look a lot better as well.
antiprozacnation 1 sec ago
before i delete that account again and it gets hard to find.
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technically it's all energy as the rad mc² Alby phrased it but lets not get into semantics here, without too much selfbackpatting i just think i versed that pretty well there
think i need to vacuum or blow out the gfx card, the fun is going wild, or maybe some l33t chinese hacker is using my rig to hack the pentagon
but now, first of all some horizontality
cant get some downtime, system is too busy, i'm afraid i miss the best part of night if i dont
the skinny on skinny
i say skinny, i dont mean anorexic. People just say that about supermodels and women they're jealous of a lot. I think they never actually met a patient suffering from anorexia in real life. Walking skeletons who have to use the iv's iron bar as support so the bones in their legs dont break. A girl with anorexia definitely does NOT look like a supermodel. Go visit some ward if you're in doubt, just don't act like some tourist visiting a freakshow, these girls have issues, they deserve respect as well.
No
when i say skinny i mean like Kate Moss skinny, like Codie Young, Liu Wen and Zoe Saldana skinny, the healthy skinny made them rich beyond belief in some cases. Counting ribs, waist i can almost put my hands around instead of my whole arms. Little tits will never sag, gravity's a bitch.
In french they say : des gouts et des couleurs on (ne) se discute pas.
So don't ...
If round gets you off, that's fine. I don't need opinion or judgment on it, skinny is what turns me on, and that is how it is. I'd never single out a person just because they got more weight than someone else. It's just my dick don't dig em to speak plainly.
I'm speaking purely physical here. After all, physical pleasure does not involve a lot of mentalism. It's an instinct dance you make up as you go along. Get better with time if you open up yourselves to the other. It take practice to perfect.
Like tango.
Asked my last gf to take tango lessons with me once. I'd have payed for it even if money was more scarce than it is now even. The thought of sweeping her lightweight bones across the floor, gomez addams style really spoke to me.
She didn't want to. Too shy, couldnt stand crowds either. Borderline the shrinks said, i think it was more complicated than just x out of nine points but i feel that diagnosis gets put a lot on cases that are just too much to fit into a known condition.
What a shame, i would have really enjoyed that.
Obsessed? No. Lacking? Yea
You havent seen girl interrupted yet? i can recommend it. Angelina Jolie does a great job with Wynona there. Most of the real horror these people live thru in their minds is left out ofcourse, the movie has to sell, right.
When it comes to abuse i can also recommend mockingbird and the heart is deceitful above all things. Not really for the weak of heart and soul since these things happen irl.
Few more episodes of supernatural to go. It kinda grows on you. I think it has potential for an evening hit on some local channel. Not the epic, spartacus kind but how many times do you get a series like that in a decade ? More than enough viewer potential to make the ads pay off in there (i think,i'm not really a tv man but i know what i like)
So far my favourite performances.
Deans hard-ass rock-on me-man-me-good-fighter-oneliners(thats a whedon reference, actually Xander in the glory days of buffy but i forgot the dudes real name, sorry dude) make me lol sometimes. That Sam character was SO much better without the soul, his goodytwoshoes gets on my nerve sometimes. The kid lilith was good, the final one was more like a plastered porn star than a demon imo.
Ruby demon's sexy and all but the act was a little too hip and cool to be convincing.
The final Meg-demon really makes it work. Crowley gets the act but he doesnt really look the part of king of hell, if i were king of hell, my vessel would definitely be a bit more regal, who cares about stealth when you got hellfire.
But the absolute top-notch performance to me was the final Alistair (Alistair Crowley, that's a nice easter egg there, or how do you call that on pellicule? its digital now i know)
the final Alistair was virtually perfect, performance and that face, he really had a devil's head, for all i care they should have casted him as Lucifer.
You do know there's a lot of shows to watch streaming online right? localized means nothing to a local proxy really. Like say fringe on hbo (or whats it called), they put up new episodes online as they come out. Even for non-paying customers.
Olivia is something but the Walter makes it great.
bring wood and oil !
o no wait, wrong universe...
Don't take any of this the wrong way, it's compliment. I am very, very picky when it comes to tv.
Why wait until someone decides you are allowed to see it on your feeding tube then? Don't look at me, it's 2012, a six year old can do this, and i think some of them do already.
favourite of the heroes? definitely bobby singer :)
the brother stuff gets too mushy for me sometimes, maybe cos i really can't relate to it me being single kid and all that. Or maybe just cos family business is not as sitcom as it is in america here, or is that only on tv, do people really act like that?
Dunno, let me ask the next american i meet irl maybe
Anyhow i owe these guys a thank you for making life a little more bearable in the hours of nothingness. So, thank you guys :)
dont be a bitch about it, you can even watch whole movies on youtube and a thousand other sites and still i havent seen one hollywoodguy doing the beggar cup routine at his local trainstation. If it's watched, there's talk, it's popular and it gets spread, that's the real mechanics of how it works.
Cant expect everything to be Keira Knightley and Viggo Mortensen-class. Not all men are created equal, and all budgets even less.
Check a history of violence(which got confiscated) and the road (which i have) if you think they just dug him up for LOTR ... and that flic she made with Jason Statham the master of ruff and crank if you dont believe me, she's really kinda hot as well (skinny ofcourse, you know me ... no you don't)
Too bad my budget is smaller than what my education needs.
Maybe Viggo Mortensen would do the beggar cup sometime but i guess he would be working then. I hear he's quite the charactor
(just to name a few, i know how jealous people get, theres way more ofcourse)
Also the evil downloaders you hear so much about. Most downloaded means most money made from, check your fucking stats on that. No one ever seems to calculate the free advertising this thing means. You can NOT fight it without destroying a part of what you make there.
Before the internet, shit got copied on cd's and floppy disks, before that, the beatles were going broke because of the evil cassette recorder. Maybe you could save a lot of money if you didnt have to pay all those lawyers for a futile fight. Bad product doesnt sell, good product makes money. Simple economics.
Something different.
Did i mention at least once before i don't take hints.
On purpose.
If you can't or won't or afraid to talk straight up then you're not helping.
The enemy of my enemy is a potential ally but that doesn't mean he's a friend. Don't call it rapin sun tzu (was that sun tzu i need to check, yes i have an audio cd with the complete Art of War as well, nice for sometimes, boundless timeless wisdom)
Speaking of supernatural.
One night in a hotel in brussels with my gangster girl. The place was like a maze it was amazing. Hilton wouldnt let us in, maybe the wide eyes, the big pupils and generally fuck you mickeymallory look.
Been blowing that crystallized coke for hours. She stepped back into a corner of the room as if the outside wasnt allowed to see.
And what i saw, that's number of the beast material. Just for a moment, a single moment, her eyes were whole pitch black, her hair was long and curly like a Kali statuette, a little smile of here i am she pulled me back and kissed me, it was gone.
Top-down, bottom-up, coke or not, it doesnt matter, the experience was SO real, the eyes exactly like the demons in the show thats why i thought of spewing it here, i can still see it in detail now. Not that i started painting warding symbols after that, there was absolutely no feeling of threat it all felt like let me show you. Experiences ... now that was heavy, cut into my eye i think i'll never lose that moment till the day i'm gone, mentally or physically.
The other world or coke psychosis? Doesnt matter, it was real that moment and it counts as having seen, true or not. The mind is mighty, it cant be trusted, even by the human who carries it.
Thanks? Walking the cats under the moonlight is reason for a thank you for existing.
The kiss? What about the kiss? It makes or breaks, a good kiss can't be locked up in a few sentences on paper. I wouldnt even dare to try that. Never getting close to the emotion that's impossible.
Gaze meets, lips touch,
heartrate goes up slightly
breath staggers just a moment
close your eyes imagine paradise as everything around disappears.
The only decent moment to be smelling that perfume really. That little bit of subtle seduction right behind the ears to tell you it's there just for you. Not the kind that screams from halfway down the street like NOTICE ME, that's degoutant
What's with all the questions lately? No, tango dancing never was a dream of mine. It seemed like a great idea there and then with her and me, getting out and doing something romancey.
Just another round of snow and lightning now, nothing else in sight so fuck off unless it's something good.
Well gods be damned, something in the witching hour seems to disagree with me, it pokes me on the inside of my brain just now. Did someone open up a can of stray ghosts again? Make peace before you depart. I'm talking to the living here. Or maybe the sixth dimension is at it again. I guess i better get another coffee so the universe dont go to waste while i'm asleep.
Sentinel (too much final fantasy?)
Maybe the invaders from the fifth or sixth again (dimension). They never stop the chatter, i think something in this world disturbs them and they want revenge? All i can make up is that this world's not gonna end well as it is. But i think that is common sense.
Maybe it's Ctulhu calling but i don't think so. Had a monthslong conversation with the dude and now we see eye to eye and we agree: the whole world is crazy, its not us at all.
So now i has a coffee, soon i has another one. One can't walk on one leg (roughly translated from a local saying)
Dimensions are open for interpretation. Say one, two and three is the spatials we live in like wide, deep and high, that existence floats forward on whats commonly called the fourth or even more commonly time.
One way traffic as far as we can see. If it actually floats is unknown, time is quite intangible. Maybe it just IS at the moment, the past is gone, and future isnt yet. Say there was timetravel, the past already was, so maybe there you could be again? Math might say no there, theories aplenty. The future however doesnt exist yet, so forward time travel would imply some kind of predetermined destination. (like in those lame ass-movies with the guys dying because they were meant to ... somewhat, not even close but somewhat)
Einstein packed them all together into spacetime at once, but then again, he was Einstein, he had Einsteinbrain so he could do that, get away with it and actually understand what he was on about at the same time (imagine that)
David Deutsch, a living smart guy has this thing with disappearing particles. There's no real proof or explanation so he says they disappear into the fifth before they pop back into 'our' plane of existence (uses a few more words and number i suppose but that's the basic idea i got there)
The fifth could (possibly) be like timelines, alternate realities, right close next to us, not actually next to us, but right where we are in the same space, only next dimension.
Infinite possibilities there. If you could pierce that veil you could in theory literally choose your own future.
Other ultrasmart guys count more even. Depending on the theory you could have others that go back to all the possible big bangs (the most commonly accepted theory). Some count all the way to ten but need an eleventh to make the math work.
The ultrasmart elite. I can but hope to understand a little bit of what they're saying. (its a few theories scrambled together here just now)
It remains however, to me, fascinating matter. If i would win that lottery, id probably pay some Deutsch, Gell-Mann and Brian Coxes to spend a few hours with me when they got time to lead me into their mysterious cult of smartness.
Yes well, if i HAD that kind of money there's time for fun and time for learning, right, how can one ever understand enough of anything and everything?
IF i had that kind of money, i'd spend my time for education with the best.Why settle for less?
And face it the only true science is physics. Everything is physics, chemistry? Still atoms interacting : physics. I mean its the base of everything, so that's the base of understanding everything (if at all possible withing one human lifespan which i sincerely doubt).
The things i like to do, concerts movies, the occasional club and pub : all waves and spacedust and radiant energy (not that i think a lot about particles while having a little ball but still thats how it is, the cat is made of quarks, so are women ... so my two favourite creatures in the know universe, the most elegant expression of particle physics? It all starts there, i wouldnt be taking art or meditation class, i can manage that myself, not that i'm an artist, i'm a fucking work of art to quote the pale dude)
MASTERS of the universe
MASTERS of the universe
plenty of cox there i'm sure, he's known to be know as the rockstar physicist, the face of the hadron collider :p
none from Albert Einstein i'm afraid ... maybe the genetics department wants to work on that.
Any scientist can use sponsorhip, they're always onto something. What's a few hours of time as trade for funding that experiment?
That's just one of many things to do.
But for now, just another round of snow and lightning then.
Damn, its punishing me again, almost tripped into the table over my controller. You know sometimes i think i'm stuck here with a jealous ghost or something. Every time i mention my love for sexy it's out to get me. Can't remember any of my ex-gf's dead yet however ... not that i wouldnt wish some of them straight down into Hades if i had a death note.
More coffee ... smoked salmon in the fridge omg ... i love to live i love party and i love to love, i love metal, jazz and not your standard drum&bass all alike, love to chill, would pop pills if i still found them but i do love science and this very here pc as well. I refuse to be cornered and fit into just one box, and i definitely refuse to be stuck at chihuahua in a handbag level.
Life made me hard, but diamonds have many facets, even when they're so dirty from stepping on, they're all still there, with a soft spot in the middle i carefully hide from the hyena's.
I don't see mathematics as a total science in itself, i'm sure to the prime number junkies it is more of a religion but i see it more as the language in which all things scientific are explained.
And there's psychology ... the kid-science (as in pretty young compared to others) ... even if i think Hawkings bleak statement that we are just chemical scum on the face of the planet is not far off... the human brain in all its complexity is still too difficult to explain with exact science, so thats where psychology give the necessary empirical explanations. It goes hand in hand with statistical research but actual 100% proof as you get with numberscience is practically impossible.
A temporary necessity to get us to the endgame.
If we actually make it to the end of chapter one ... that looks kinda less and less probable with each year that passes now. Looks more like the book will be rewritten from scratch.
Think of it as a buddhist Chi thing. Energy and spacedust, comes from the one, goes back to the one (altho the expanding universe is still exhaling there ...)
Reality as we think we know it is an illusion, we interpret what we experience through our senses, well the brain interprets the input, bit like the computers we created in our image (more or less) but the energy is real.
No discussion there, all perception is coloured, memories are coloured. Everyone who is unaware sees everyone else through an overlay which is like a copy of themselves, a transparent filter that is you through which you see others. It's hard to not judge a situation or anything based on what you yourself have experienced, if not impossible. Being aware of that fact might help to some extent.
maybe, in some cases. I'm still baffled by how a guy thousands of years ago could see all of this, i think he must have dropped some serious b.c. acid there
If we are as referenced before manifest of the universe trying to figure out itself, this ted thing is a veritable hub, a nexus. If they were capable of hard decision where it needs be done, i'd vote to give those people the reigns of the planet, without hesitation.
Hard decisions? Save the planet, kill the humans.
Now ... i know most of you and definitely them aren't capable of forcing the twelve monkey solution. Plenty of dna in the universe i hear, fairly few terra's and gaea's however. If you can't clear your conscience for the twelve monkeys, you need to stop them from breeding. You can not let the planet be eaten. Overpopulation is the number one cause of almost any present day problem. Poverty, hunger, pollution, disease, war over territory and everything that comes with it, it all comes down to that.
So that's the hard decision. Very sorry if someone doesnt get to have a kid.
You'll be very sorry to see that all those soft-edge plans to save the hungry will in the end only lead to the war you wanted to avoid. What other possibility would you see from this point on the way its going, i'm sure a lot of people know it, but the sapiens thing is ofcourse to ignore this.
Which is not very sapient imo.
Too many people, too few resources , and those are dwindling as we speak, tick ... tock ... you KNOW this.
Leading into chaos, chaos that's destructive to the cradle. I don't mean the natural chaos of things from which all is born. I mean human-induced, destructive chaos.
Even the cradle has a breaking point, a point of no return. If it does not stop humankind itself, humankind will end itself like this. Might be hundred, might be thousand years still, vermin's very resilient.
But if there are to be solutions, LONGterm solutions, then there's the hard decision. Virtually the only one that matters for now. Global warming, ANYTHING you discuss, it all depends on that, and you KNOW that.
Make it rain oestrogen for all i care ... just see to it that i dont grow tits, i love the feel of a woman, but touching myself in that particular manner would be kind of pretty weird ...
Consider me the chosen one if you have to and if that makes it easy, i'm crazy enough to be an oracle. I speak to the universe and it speaks back to me, the strands of chaos, the wellspring of wisdom ... plain old logic, whatever you want. You KNOW what i say is true, ignoring it because of some sixties morals will not make it go away. Prevent more war instead of supporting it.
We'll be lucky if Albert was right, and there IS still a war to be fought with sticks and stones, i fear we have come to a point where we can well kick the planet out of orbit or split it in half with all the power we have stashed here. Drill a hole deep enough and put that greek guys lever in it, i'm sure you know what i aim at there. Prevent it instead of supporting and inciting it by letting more and more people being born with no chance of a future at all, but at least their parents didnt die.
I repeat i'm not saying kill them, i'm saying make them breed a lot less, FAST. If not, and you KNOW this to be true ... all things aim for balance. It is the way of our all-mother.
Inspiration ... sometimes it's just everywhere at once, most of the times its just there out of reach. Sounds like a subsection in some of murphy's laws.
fyi : more text than you can handle
I'll have to look that up.
did...
seems my info was wrong there, Odin's wife was named Frigg, Frigga or Fricka, not Freya, Freya's more like the basted and venus, love and beauty
interesting, i always stand ready to be corrected ofcourse.
sources are divided on who the day was named after
seems like Tolkien got some inspiration for a wizard there as well ...
well, not that important really, Fricka it is ... they'll just have to divide friday between themselves then.
Contrary to marvel mythology Thor was not the son of Odin either. I sometimes wonder what the connection is between this the norse mythology and the neo-nazi's in some parts. Odin was a wise man, a proud and mighty warrior, but a defender of his realm, not a usurper. Many things get twisted overtime to suit the local leaders i suppose.
I got this t-shirt with a horned skull on it, below it says : Odin's army, it's a viking thing. Wore it to a concert one night, people looking at me like OMG ZEE GERMANS !
educate yourself on the subject guys, maybe it was a topdownbottomup thing but i doubt it.
Christianity and Islam are the very proof of that today.
Hmm... sex, violence, psychedelics, particle physics and mythology in one twisted stream tonight ... a bit of rock 'n roll while i figure out how i get to that chocobo again
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
mark mission 14 ...
the night becomes me so much better than the day...i function twice as well...why do the daypeople always try to pull me into being one of them?
walhalla sounds so much better than christian heaven or getting 70what virgins AFTER you die ... i'll take an everlasting party at the table of the gods any day of the week over that. Little winged boys in diapers are not really my thing. Yea, already said that probably repeat myself more. This is not some planned work of anything, its not work at all, there's no intention to it other than preventing my head from exploding, and to fight off the graveyard silence here a little. Old folk sleeping right next door from this room. How the hell did i get stuck back with my parents again ... dont think about that right now. It would spoil the moment. Probably someone somewhere must have thought this was for the better, well it's not.
It(it, these typings, not the situation)'s not for publishing or making money (gods forbid, it would get taken anyway), at best it ends up on my webspot as a blog (but i already said that, right)
right ...
half past five ... still on my way to getting that chocobo, listening to my favourite history lesson
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
two cups of coffee, one cube of sugar through the night, some smoked salmon and a sandwich ... four or five cigaretes. To think somoeon could think i'd be doing speed on these few square metres. If i did that in this kind of confinement. I would have launched straight through the roof in a state of defcon 7 by now. IF i do that, and that wouldnt be more than once or twice a year now, IF, i dont do cut-up shit, that shit is powerful and clean, the shit you'd give to soldiers on the frontline. How anyone could think i'd do that here is beyond my comprehension.
See, IF i decide, me being the adult guy that i am, IF i CHOOSE to do that kind of thing, i wouldnt just get it from a skank-moron on a streetcorner, i got way too many levels in streetwise, gained the hard and gained the pleasant way. I'd only get it from a trusted source, someone who knows about it and knows what he or she is giving me. That's probably why i dont find pills, i dont find anyone who takes them themselves, and i dont buy shit from strangers. That's the junkie thing to do.
Spare me your morals, you drink, dont you ? Besides, what's it to you if i do or i dont. Ain't nobody's business and i bother no one with it, you'd probably not even notice, unless i had been locked up in a few square metres for hours on end.
Spare me the morals, they make no sense.
Besides, you would really rather meet me with a line down my sniffhole than with a bottle of jack down my throat, believe you me.
No i dont NEED that, is that a reason not to do it if it's fun ?
How many people NEED their iPhone? How many people NEED their second car, do you hear me telling them to not do it? no i dont
Keep an open mind please, rule number one is do what thou wilst (but not the crowley way)it's do what thou wilst without bothering someone in fact. If it bothers you in your pre-programmed head, i'm afraid the only solution is you going to see a shrink to crack that shortfused mind open again, if it ever was.
Alistair Crowley misinterpreted a little i think. The beast is not the lucifer. Refusing to serve without question is not aiming to destroy. It's aiming to rebuild what was corrupted.
but ya, satanism is an -ism, and -isms, as i explained (or was that somewhere else) are great ideas and theories turned into mindless dogma. Besides, i'll say it again : the sheytan <> (does not equal) the lucifer
no, its s y m b o l s to me, i dont sit aroudn drawing pentagrams and summoning demons and slaughtering goats (isnt that a yearly islam fest btw? nah that's sheep sorry)
OW o o o ! a flash? is that why satanism is linked to goatslaughter? The this here church portrayed the yearly slaughterfest as a heathen ritual of the devil ? Some focused unbiased historian should look into that. Maybe one already did but is afraid to speak for fear of taliban retaliation? Why? That stuff messed up south park, how can you support such blasphemy ?
All for freedom of religion altho i need to see state and church still separated before that works out. All against self-exploding sand monkeys, no matter in who's name they do it.
Thing is, a lot of muslims dont like them either, but they are as afraid as the westerners to speak out against it.
Polytheism is the way to go, accept all gods to exist if you need at least one to worship. Tolerance.
Dont gimme that i shit my pants look, give in to a bully and your his bitch forever . <- Period
Nah, Odin's army dont back down, not for neo-anything, not for bullies on the left or right or religious side ; let me tell you a story of a guy who was scared of the other guy : in the end he died anyway, he just got everything taken away from him first.
You can not fight bullets with open arms. Don't be an idjit about it. Just help out the folk who want to stand up against it, preferably without bombing their whole country back to the stone age and breeding a next generation to come after you.
Did i say Odin's army ? Now, did you think neo-nazi KKK ?
tsk tsk ... now what did i just say ?
indoctrinated fools
6 o clock, mother just raised herself from the dead i hear ... gotta check on Shiva (my cat), poor thing needs antibiotics, had some skin condition on her legs she was like washing all her hair off, thought it was stress at first but the doc reassured me it'l be completely fixed in a few weeks.
Doc + meds : 100 euros, happy cat : priceless
(if you think like omg that money for a cat i sincerely suggest you never keep pets)
Done
chocobo acquired as well...
Bright night tonight the stars and Luna smiling down as i walked the critters down the street and back. One of the things i missed most living in the city with its light pollution. The invasion of the photon is unstoppable. What's with these people and their fear of the dark. Or is it just the entity of society expanding itself into absolute control over everywhere. Tuff luck entity ... like the fallen one you seem to be stuck downhere, the way its going also never to return to the heavens.
The mammon thing makes kinda sense, zeitgeist way or not.
Every time i see the constellation i have to think about fist of the north star (hokuto no ken) and the seven scars of Ken le survivant (was on at wednesdays on a french channel when i was like fifteen, together with saint seya ... chevaliers du zodiac they called it)
according to the classic anime he who sees the north star will die soon.
good thing i realized at very young age that all bodies go one time or another. Even before i read about siddharta's first encounter with the truth.
read ... more like saw in a tv docu actually
should i go to bed? body says yea, mind says no ... dilemma
that adamanchelid looks like it needs a beating tho
easy as goblin pie, another gold dust in my pocketses ... damn that c'ieth stone is on top of that rock pff, too tiredlazy to run around for the yellow jumping bird ... just one more kick ass megareptile and a healthy stick of cyanide containing smoke and i guess i'm off to neverland...an episode of beelzebub on animeflavor for background noise and lack of cuddly skin bedside.
odin's army neonazi's tssss...that's like people saying slayer promotes satanism, they obviously did not rtfm
the yawnz is taking over, hope oblivion embraces me and doesnt push me into dreamless sleep, dreamless sleep is so not restoring, sleep is a waste of life i guess but there's not really a way around it
So ... where's the money? where's the fucking
life?
where's the opportunity, i dont even need to look outside to get upset, i can see the invisible gold bars from the cage right fine from where i crawl back into existence.
Lucifers cage without the hellfire, a smarter trick this time around, still nothing but a trick
an illusion
lies ...
graveyard silence omg do these people time this? take turns sleeping so i dont get a decibel inbetween ?
The xbox dvd arrived at least, save 15 euros buying the retail dvd i.o. the download from xbla (how does this make sense to anyone, pls explain if it does, how come people actually pay double for something drm can take away, if you DO get that and can explain it without referring to terms as negating and being blind or lazy or welldoctrinated, please do, i would really like to know)
Now what to do with the 15 saved, its just about another game, or its the limited edition of the final fantasy sequel.
O what? SAVE the money ? What for ? to buy a car with? or a house perhaps? a trip to Tokyo maybe?
i think i'm gonna need a lot of fifteen euros for that, so thanks but no thanks, cant even with it, right, its just fine for a few sixpacks or a cd or dvd, thats what it is.
Cant even go out with it, not that there's anywhere to go here. So thanks but no thanks, and pls, keep that to you, my money, my choice. Fuck off with that bullshit.
See, the folks downhere, the ones i'm forced to live with for lack of other options. They're about to put a slab of meat on my plate that costs at least eight euro's, thats about 20-25 for the three. I could say the same thing there. They think that constitutes quality of life while me, i'd rather have a five euro bill on my plate with a side of fries. I already said that, but they get the 'system error' look. I can get food , but i can't trade it for money to do with as i please. That money needs to be eaten. It's how their illusion works.
But not mine, so no one fucking bug me over what i do with fifteen fucking scraps...
Or should i go 'looking for love' with fifteen scraps in my pocket? That shit dont even get me there and back with a train. Besides ... there ARE no trains in smallville in the week-end.
And there's definitely no love for me in smallville ... the women here ? I'm sorry, i'll stay polite, they're not my type. They're either too fat, too old, got kids, or are like bieber fans ...i'm sorry fates and gods, but what part of skinny and no kids and NO POP TARTS did you not understand? Maybe one or two girls i could get it on with, but you know, i know their fathers, that would be a very unhealthy situation.
So, what was it about those fifteen fucking euros you needed to share so urgently?
The job? The job you say? Didnt i explain i'm about to kick in the head of the first person who still talks to me like that? The offer stands, the money that i give for shit i didnt do ... its definitely not going your way, even if it kills me, not this time, no more. ever.
Not even a bar in range where i would actually LIKE to go. All for rock & roll and all that party on, but getting into a gig full of rihanna and blabla makes my dick go limp. Sure, everyone gets to pick their own poison, even if they cant even grasp the concept of choice.
But so do i
Damm, this website is presenting me with ads of horses ass again ... every day i'm more convinced this IS hell and i AM stuck in lucifers cage ... what the fuck. Demographic huh? Why do i get horsesized women on my screen then? someone got the demographic wrong. Get that fat ass out of my fucking face before my dick goes limp forever
what, uh,... oh
i only got two middlefingers sorry, i'm a little busy here trying to avoid the next apocalypse of me.
Dam, the cage is a mess ... who cares, not like i'm having a teaparty or slumber with anyone but myself tonight.
mini chocolate chip cookies, pack of grills, bottle of seven up a can of sprite and a can of coca cola ... plug in the kinect, see what rise of nightmares has to say.
there's a few things i'd rather be doing, but i think that should be clear by now.
this situation is not, nor will it ever be, acceptable
Feeding time
as predicted a slab the size you could probably feed an african starving village with it for a week. Waste of money? Dunno, it's just feeding to me here. Love to wine and dine, but eating at home by myself feels more or less like waste of day.
Looks like it cost half of my latest xbox game.
Thank the animal for providing.
Did the dishes, slight sign of respect for the people who provide.
Enjoyment of the slab, like what, ten minutes? The same amount of money gets me more enjoyment when i pop it in mah xbox. Way more hours for the same price.
Smoked a fag in the backyard. If this were england the garden would be full of dead gay people by now.
Try (i) not to smoke in the house, it leaves a nasty smell if you got curtains and all that other stuff you have to have to keep the scary world out at night.
Fed a little too much, body asks for liedown. Rise of nightmares'l have to wait, few eps or a movie until the body says its good to go.
friday night in lucifers cage ...
where's the money?
where's the fucking
life?
pop that can of coke (the bubbly softdrink kind)
what is it with french fries and coca cola?
I consider myself to be pretty ad-resistant but when it comes to that, i have to agree with the old campaign : can't beat the real thing
weird how this kinect machine every so many times warns me to take a break if i feel tired while dumping me in some factory (wont happen) would be considered a normal thing to, eight hours straight the same repetitive motion.
your world i presume
Whats with the grills chips here, i hardly ever eat that. Maybe something from the past or some subliminal association for an ad did actually slip through while i wasnt up and running fully.
At least i didnt end the whole evening wasting away in this cell here. Few hours of escapism for 12 pounds ...
where's the money
where's the fucking
life?
think i might feel like i worked out tomorrow
which isnt a complete bad thing i spose
kinect might be kidstuff with lame ass games mostly but it definitely counts as physical activity
not my preferred kind but still
this room is definitely too small to play it comfortable ... 3 by 4 metres, bigger than a jailcell ... if i do that goalie thing in kinect sports i bounce from one wall into another
but anyhow ... i really wanna see what happens to poor josh-ernst now ... glad i didnt buy it at full price tho, worth the 12 pounds, definitely not the 50 euros
.ulz, according to the game Schoppenhauer said : libido is the will to live. Somehow i can seriously dig that. Maybe i should check some of the guys music if he was that much of a horndog (he was a musician, right?)
mh
fight against Mary, i suppose the final bit ... looks like a hybrid zone between world of warcraft and final fantasy as imagined by some distant cousin of Dali, Mary from the Jeroen Bosch era, best looking bit so far, maybe lovecraft came on by to throw in a few tentacles. The gfx could have used a lot more polishing all-over really.
nope i'm not an artsy expert, i just know what i like, dali's world and jeroen bosch's hell win everytime from so called classics like the guy with one and a half ear, or that french drunk whassisname ...
(what no, how many times need i repeat, this is me at the moment i was thinking, not some instruction manual or my deepest soul content)
That last bit was hardcore ... not as hardcore as eight hours of manual labour but definitely feels like i been doing 30 miles with a bike in way less than an hour...
good, friday night was not all black, but as with all sedation, reality bites back when it is over.
mh wait a minute ... that's not THAT difficult is it? 30 miles in under an hour? I'd have to start calculating, i hate riding bike, takes me back to all those days i had to go to school to sit there all day soaking wet until the wet clothes start to smell ... not that the gang wasnt cool, even made it to the papers once for juvenile prankisms ... got our assess kicked once by a guy who didnt think it was funny we didnt let him pass for a few miles ... kilometres ... but riding bike : not ma thang.
omg there's an act ten ... hm, might be spending ma whole saturdee in a wheelie chair if i still that what the hell, normal people are out there chasing ass all over town , and shots right down their throats right ...
or not, normal people are sitting at home waiting for the next day to repeat itself
or not ?
what are normal people, i dont think i ever met them
game over, hunt down some achievements later, drop it on ebay and may the best man win.
Put the bed back into place.
well...bed...
matrass and support only, it's not used for anything but sleeping so i have no actual emotional attachment to it.
Still need mending for my broken soul as much as i did yester-evening, still can't think straight while my dick is talking.
Nothing's changed, bear no illusions.
well, somethings changed ... acid in my legs from killing mary, not the trippy kind tho, whats it called exactly let me see ...
lactic acid read it if you need it
omgz, gaming gets my legs pregnant and i'm lactating is that it?
halpz !!!
best present for your fatso kid perhaps then ... out with the mac(donalds, not the 50 cent kind), in with the kinect? Probably already have a Wii ... you know, that thing they use in nursing homes to give the old folk a little exercise (they do it here at least), not really a 'gaming' device imo
Guys from steam responded as expected well in time. A very 'pro' company if i can rely on my experiences with them. Prices are weird compared to what a retail dvd costs, especially since the system does not require physical production or transportation, just the single setup, and expanding servers ofcourse. I guess it all comes down to what people are willing to pay.
Nope, i think it just comes down to people not looking any further than their noses and impatience.
All the more power to the steamboatz then, they seem to push the right buttons in the right places at the right time. It's business after all, not charity.
umm ... am i being paid to explain the mysteries of life here? nope, last time i checked i'm not. This is what i'm doing-thinking now and here, obviously close to my pc in lucifers cage. There's more to life than this but that's not here.
five o clock, regression in times of recession. Everything takes you back to something unless it's a completely new experience.
Emotional affinity? nothing but my cats right now.
I feel a serious disturbance in the force for about a week now.
Maybe i'm not doing 'what is expected of me' ? Who's got the nerve to expect? I dont owe anyone shit but revenge.
Another night gone by, tomorrow just another day that leads to nothing more if not to less.
Unless i win the lottery maybe ? If that were so, i couldnt even cash it in myself since the money would have to be handled by my lawyer.
Good times.
Stuck
the country that i hate the most for being so small, everybody acts small thinks small, it tries to keep my life small, or maybe it just keeps me under a rock because of its mistakes and negligence that cant be shown to the outside. Justice(?), police, politics ... If i ever get the button in my hands, better start to run. Or do the world a favour and don't.
I need to sum them up again? Just the ones related to my life directly? Don't feel like it i think most of them are in here somewhere up there already anyway.
Who's got the fucking nerve to expect anything?
Make me care? the only things you seem to know are pressure and threat. Make me care. Take me to your daughters, fill the right side of my bank account with zeroes, it is YOUR way after all, get me and the cats a ticket out of here. FAR away, preferably china or a green place in Japan.
the ancient culture suits me more than this here heap of nonsense that doesnt even exist unless on paper.
I reject, refuse to live my life here since there is no life at all here for me. Happiness in Belgium, it will never happen. ever
Ah, another spoof, my own email adress at first sight trying to sell me rolex or viagra ...
i wouldnt mind, who cares about all that spam except the part where it clogs up and slows down the whole of the internet. I wouldnt mind if i didnt live in stoneage country where no one even knows what spoof is, so it reflects directly on my name and rep which is already not as good because of all the gossip behind my back. After all i am not NORM-al, am i.
the transcript?
READ IT IF YOU NEED IT
there's your transcript, the ip tracks down to a server in South Africa, which doesnt mean that the origin of the mail is actually there ofcourse. It's harmless, except for my rep ... so since i'm labelled, i better act like it. Why did i ever think going along with dying system rules would get me anywhere? I think i was sedated still from all the medication and mental beating.
so what have we learned? the xmp tag is obsolete and if you want to display html code you have to revert to javascript? its somehow hard to believe
Come again now, phoenix rising.
Don't get close unless it's for negotiating something that i need, friction leads to fire, you fools might get burned.
fucking a, b, c and d as well ... never getting it, i tried being rude about it, i tried being VERY rude about it. It just won't stick, and then this always about food, the day revolves around it is this some desert in africa where you live from meal to meal?
They just get system error, reboot, and start the next day with the some old subroutines. ITS FUCKING SCARY SOMETIMES (not that i'm really afraid is in afraid, because that's something that practically never happens anymore ... after all, what the fuck would i be scared with as long as there's no future?)
the tone of the day? i thought the questions were clear ... where's the money?
where's the fucking
life?
now the old man is sleeping got operated yesterday some light nothing cataract laser stuff... i swear sometimes i think they plan it so i dont get some decibels in between.
graveyard
skjoozmee pardon wut did i say about dating sites? i really need to talk to the demographisc department ... its not just there, its on my fucking nerve since my nerve got high strung from the moment i woke up right here right then.
motherfucking shit ... youtube clearly never heard of normalizing videos in a playlist ...
that's right, i dont care if your world is ending today, since i wasnt invited to it anyway ... dam straight
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
evryone awake, crank up the noise ... dissipate frustration into soundwaves ...
DISPERSE
temporary solution ofcourse, like porn doesnt really replace sex ...
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
comfy cos the laundries getting done for me? yea? i prefer to do it myself and be at ease and peace. well, actually i'd prefer to have an army of cosplay maids who maid for real as well, and do some part-time expensive call-girl on the side while i dont have a girlfriend, think of it as multitasking, and a butler named Albert, who can obviously keep his pants on on the job ... i'm not that kind of kink, (as in gay...) but thats not happening this week-end is it?
now its second life ads ... how sad, the girl looks twice as fat as her avatar, i can get why people flee into that, but how the fuck could living a lie like that hold any interest to me ? dick needs dipping, not watching, not talking, it has no eyes, it spits but has no vocal cords. Feeling does not constitute /hug ... really, really sad.
Ted newsletter ... sorry but i dont really feel like science and all happy joy goodwill from people with nice lives right now
mh, gonna start looking for that parttime job maself, its gonna be crappy ofcourse, it always is, but without it shit will be too complicated and i'm DEFINITELY NOT giving in anymore to any of that indoctrinated because everyone has to do it, i wasnt treated like everyone, i AM not treated like everyone, i DO NOT have a life like everyone, i'm not gonna act like everyone, NOT
three letters, i could carve them in your eye if you really don't get it
all i'm getting is shit i dont even meet the requirements for, and in the rare cases shit thats really not worth my time for paying of fines from someone else for shit i havent even done.
WOOPS, next shift, graveyard silence again
havent opened that email adress in a week, totally sick of that belgian bullshit, this thing they rolled me into is supposed to get my life on track, but they always try to push me on someone elses railroad, whatever they got for me, its definitely not my life , and since i dont have one right now, there is no leverage at all ... so i'll start looking out myself , not like there's a trustworthy contact needing a hand anywhere around here to make some actual cash.
Soon the threats will start again, there's someone there who i hold personally responsible for ruining my life ... i have no clue what my reaction would be if i was face to face with that retard again.
really, i have no clue, could be nothing, could be just five seconds, one dead guy and me return to zero
i dont feel like finding out, id kill him without flinching, after all, he tried to kill me slowly,
i'm sorry what did you say?
your judge told me ignorance was no excuse i'm sorry what's your point ?
thought so ...
but not if i get caught doing it.
i'd be doing the world a favour removing that kind of ass from the genepool anyway
sure clown sure whatever
listening to that fifty song ... this is how mama raised, or rather why is how she why eum ..., and daddy ofcourse, both of them are third-eye-blind-as-a-bat, i hear that's a genetic sapiens defect, but its the hood that saved me from mediocrity in the end, even if i learned the hard way to never trust a junkie. The guys doing business have no reason to fuck you over, they're not protected by laws they can hide behind, all they got is rep. It's really a different world.
More honest contrary to popular belief. Lies CAN get you killed there if you're not careful. Ripping someone off, there's no cops to hide behind there man, what you gonna do?
Yea, if you get your ass kicked by fifteen guys and run to the cops you're not like me. If you go home grab a knife and storm back in (lucky they kicked me out again or i had a real murder on my repsheet) Then you are like me.
Third time's no charm if you been kicked from the bar to the sidewalk two times by fifteen guys let me tell you. Still, never saw a single piece of porc when it was my ass getting beat.
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
Never trust a junkie, Nope never ... ever trust a junkie.
Might wanna help them if they're family or friends , and that's good, but never trust 'em
See, when they took me in after that replay from miami vice or was it Chips ? Gangster girl got free ofcourse i took it all on me, she did ofcourse still have the number ... and she knew the routine.
So what happened? Yours truly in withdrawal in a little cell with two other guys. Bitch goes rockman with a few junkie friends ... didnt take the cops a long time to get the man ofcourse. Not like they are THAT stupid to think the girl would just stop cos i was inside (turns out most of them actually would, thats why some of them are called detectives ...)
Guy did it ofcourse, maybe 't was the pretty face, maybe the fact that he saw her a lot of the time she was with me. Bad idea
Never take your bitch on dopedeals. Specially when she's smoking that shit.
Very bad idea. Even had to explain myself (IN the slammer) that i did NOT rat the guy out. Was in there like three weeks this guy comes up to my cell, never seen him, didnt know him. He knew my name tho. Few simple questions. I'm not the kind to rat unless i get ratted on first anything goes. When it comes to getting snitches off the street its considered public service.
And that guy was rock solid, on point, correct, polite, the pefect business man, just the way i like to do it. If the product is as promised. You get the money you promised, no extras, not a gram or cent less. Shake hands, no questions asked, see you next time.
Smile
tsk tsk ...
never trust a junkie.
Aint a lot a lot of girls wont do for just a few centimetres of that fine colombian feelgood. In fact i think most would do, but they just havent powdered their noses yet xept with the nosepowder from the perfume store. Women and coke? It's hellcats unleashed, they rip your face off after a while if you dont provide.
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
still, i dont like veneral disease, had them clean my house and do my laundry ... still stuck to one bitch at a time tho. good thing, my poker's still as healthy as it was before. I dont like condoms see, its not really a pope-thing ... my dick don't like 'em, and if you go around fucking cokeheads or worse the heroinskins ... it's playing russian roulette. I like calculated risk but always try to avoid stupidity. Besidesi have to say when i was smoking heroin daily (yea smoking never shot it)sex was about the last thing on my mind.
Sure i'd have girls 'work' for me ... why not, no dishonour about the expensive callgirl, she just gives up the pussy instead of breaking her back , ruining her hands in a factory or slowly getting blind staring at that screen on the desk. She just makes a lot more money. No need to slap 'em around if they're independent women in need of logistics, management and protection, happy employees work better ... share the wealth, there's plenty for all there.
Not talking about the girls who get forced into it ... wouldnt touch that with a stick, some dangerous folks in there.
But you dont do things like that in the shire ... hobbits are kinda ... traditional folk.
But i do have bitches ... on my mind, really been like that for a real long time :p
ya ya, i know theres like whoo hes lying and all that, what they think doesnt matter, i'd print my records on a t-shirt for the world to see, but i feel its nothing to brag about, it just means i got caught
fivethirty pm ... feeding time ... glad that's over
grab some air first, smoke another fag ..., watch a movie after probley, too bad there's no misses teddybear here i can smother while dozing ...
if i had plans for the weekend its too late, smalville castles bridge is up, closed for the night sorry, no way out. Can go to the local pub and drink til you drop if you like
um, no i cant, they're afraid i might do something when i get too drunk so they cut me off when THEY think i had enough, which ofcourse kinda pisses me off so they get afraid i might do something so i have to leave ...
reversal-theory, its usually just like that instead of that, the other way round, causality all wrong. Explain this to someone who hasnt heard of causality as a principle and never thought about it.
not the hairy kind ofcourse(teddy) only place i like hair on women is on their head. Cant force them to shave ofcourse but still, its way less inviting if a big spiky bush is hiding the entrance to the temple of love.
another disturbance in the force wafting up from down below ... DONT , just make yourself scarce i already said i dont take hints on anything. It's how i filter out potential friends, and they are scarce as well...
i said potential ... first things first, told you what i need first already what? a thousand times? probably more.
Give the kitties favourite snack they know it's time they ask for it and wont stop till they get it. Grab the pack of liggets and meyers, twilight here i come, hide me for a moment just.
(was a little slab of meat today ... as if they read what i wrote yesterday ... not that it matters, i'd still take the money on my plate and just the veggies over that, not that they could have, after all its nowhere to be seen but on my screen, what kind of irrepairable lie and rape of privacy that'd be...omgz)
Back, legs still sore from yesterday, was one cigarette short but i think i'll manage.
You think all gaming is lazy, if not for the brain activity and reflex training, try finishing rise of nightmares under six hours straight on a kinected system.
If you dont feel that the next day, consider yourself a very healthy person or on morphine.
Strikes me every time i walk these beaten paths of my hometown just how many little temples dedicated to the goddess there are here.
Goddess, yea, i think marion bradleys interpretation in mists of avalon isnt that far fetched. After all, any present roman holiday is superimposed locally on old 'heathen' fests.
She must have had quite the presence here. The 'mother of god' ... i guess they needed some way to explain it to these barbarians ... the mother of their new god, before they destroyed all of the old culture and started their reign of terror that lasted hundreds of years.
The spirits are still screaming.
Virtually no images of the crucified jew anywhere, except on the temple of the bloodgod in the town square.
The oldest one dates back to 1604, its on top of a hill, with these creepy trees around it. If i think the houses and the asphalt away it still looks like an ancient place of power.
A place on which the romans planted their new religion.
The goddess, mother of god as they said mother mary ... (mary's not even a name you had there, i hear she was more like a Meriam or something similar)
the raped goddess safely locked away at night, her alleged immaculate son (omg what a slut she must have been ey if you think about it) crucified behind the building, gazing in pain at the sky. A powerful symbol indeed, this religion worships suffering. Shows in history as well, suffering and acceptance of fate.
Still this place must have been a real haven for her once, long ago. I cant think of any other explanation for the many little temples, i believe they're called chapels now.
It was a custom by those who held on to the old religion to hide their own rites in plain sight as well, after all, they DID understand its not the name but the symbol that counts.
If you didnt you got beaten, broken, raped, your tongue torn out so you couldnt hex them and if you were lucky burned alive quickly before they tortured you more. I see nothing but a bloodgod, the hippies god of love never existed.
Symbols are so much more powerful than words. Words are manmade, imperfect, they always fail to describe any thought in all its intricacies.
Take one symbol, take a pentagram for instance, five lines, no matter which way you put up or downside. You can write a whole book of words
about that single symbol and you still wouldnt have described everything it means and everything it has ever done. It ... had ... done ... were it the humans who did it? The humans were agents, that's for sure, but the symbol holds the power to unite and make happen.
It's a kind of magic
One minute of local news invaded me. Disgusted right away. Hunters can shoot foxes all year now.
Disgusting folk. Lowly cowards shooting animals with guns from a distance call it sports.
A curse upon their heads for seven generations thrice. May all the wrath of all the seven hells rise up and burn them.
Reasons to hate belgium, add one more.
Necessary pest control? What the fuck, its not the animals who are the problem here. Woops it was a cat, sorry didnt see, mittens not come home tonight. All in the line duty? WHAT THE FUCK
Yes, i eat meat, wouldnt shoot an animal for pleasure. If i had to kill it myself i'd probably turn veggie in a moment's notice.
Of all the places in the fucking multiverse to be i get born here.
Lucifers cage...
pit each and every one of them naked against a grizzly, if the survive they can call themselves a hunter.
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
mine's more than half empty i'm afraid
escape into a movie before the rage explodes my head
how the fuck can you justify that? I thought killing animals for kicks is how sociopaths started their career most of the time?
religious? no , mystic? yea
everything i see and hear, everything i touch, feel, smell and taste becomes a part of me
2012, the year of truth, the bridge to the underworld opens, what does it bring? the start of the end of corruption and lies ... no lies here
not the year of telling everything, people are involved and i am not a stupid dick or retard either
let me just upload the txt for now
for safekeeping
safekeeping ... safekeeping, safekeeping????
seems like the 3d canvas tryout i spent quite a few hours on has gone ... darn that darn that, spent all that time looking it up deciphering and trying to implement/rewrite the code myself for better understanding instead of using a premade library for showing off
what a shame ... looks like there's no backup
maybe if i get some breathing space again i'll feel like trying it again ... for now, i'll just try working on that automated post
IF and WHEN i feel like it, i have no need to prove my skillz or anything, never had that make the goal and osmose all that mass hysteria drive really
Dam, Vanille always sounds like she's about to come ... come, you know ... come ... think they put that in on purpose? Think they very well might have. Otaku ? Sex sells anywhere anytime, its not just the cartoons in Japan. I wonder if hentai was like the word for perv or did it become a synonym afterwards ... maybe some invading christian gospel coalition thought it a good idea to associate subliminally, maybe not ... no clue, not an expert on japanese, just know a bit of manganese actually.
Which is more than most again i guess, just picked it up by watching ... like i picked up french by watching on wednesday afternoons, watching hokuto no ken and saint seya on club Dorothée, and some thing called Lamu or Malu...dont remember, that was more a girly thing but Ken and le pégase, they were hard-ass, the anime's dubbed in french (as IF something like that would have been shown on dutch tv, should say flemish ... that's not enlightened at all, enlightened is not really the word but they all wanna be so verheven its incredibly dull) ... just as i picked up my first english playing games and reading copied manuals on and for the commodore 64 ...
hmz ....
meh, here french is still considered more important than english ... i mean, how locked up in your borders can you be? old rules from old people who are too old to see it was tradition that is holding kids back to go worldwide, thank all gods and devils for the internet, what would they do to these kids to preserve the last bits of their failing world?
the dude abides, never get tired of their prowling when im out with them when all is quiet. Fearless little tigers otherwise so easily scared.
finally started thinking about how to edit this in shape ... try not to revise much more than spelling errors while i do, if i did change or add too much the moment wouldnt be the moment that it was and so it would all be less real or completely not. It's not literature its thoughts at moments caught.
guess instead of thinking stylesheets i better mix the perl a little first so i dont have to re-edit too much after. No rush ofcourse, until at least one good thing happens i'm still stuck here for years or more. How dark can one grow on the inside before it bursts out? I dont know if i want to know.
back on manganese and Japan ... ni-hon as i hear it often pronounced ... it' a delicate language the mechanics are totally different than any language here. If only for the suffixes ... from -chan to -sama, you adress a person and immediately the relationship between the two gets defined. I dont know if thats actual common practice on the street, but the movies and the anime never fail to apply. My little cousin would be gilles-kun, my favourite misa misa Kipi-chan, my favourite physicist Albert-sama (which gets pronounced Albert(o)-sama) grades of respect, dont know any other language that has it. Dont know about THAT many languages ofcourse.
Sure i would pick up quickly if had someone to speak it with. Took classes once, but it all started with kanji and i wasnt really interested in anything but spoken word. Back then already felt like that was the place to go, asia ... japan, china ... was only for a travel now i would just pack up and go ... no need to pack a lot if i had money to do it, just the cats, the rest can stay where it is, travel light, buy new life's environment when i arrive.
Don't think about it too much or the dreary nothingness of this place attacks with double strength.
had to check on the number of p's in Kipi, shame on me ... what's in a letter ... said above, the pentagram has 1 or two lines more than the letter a, yet a book of words can not describe its intricacies accurately.
The intention is, as always, except to legalists more important than the phrasing.
Nature knows no words, it knows only balance. Try to bind the law of gravity in words so it doesnt make you fall, i think you won't succeed.
Think my thoughts are incoherent? No they're not, it goes back and forth, the insight stays. Had to check up hard on matrix transformations just to get a rotating plane visible with 3D canvas ... if i did that now, i'd have to check again. I try not to keep too many facts that i dont need, a lot of them stick anyway. The insight however, once gained, helps for quicker understanding afterwards. The internet my hivemind. Think that's a problem? i dont, i'm not an idjit without my uplink. Think about connection and consequence (you know sometimes i leave out the 'I' as in latin with ego, sometimes i dont, i know i do, do you?).
See it's like, it doesnt matter how many quotes and names and dates you can accurately link together and recite. It matters if you get what that person was aiming at. Metaphorically relating to your garbage world. Consider it a piece of someones soul they wrapped in words to be preserved. You take it, consume it, the experience of having it is now a part of you. The wrap ... what do you do with the wrappings ? You dont need the wrappings anymore if the content made enriched you (not as in more money enriched), you have grown, mentally mutated. honouring that name is fine, cult of personality however is not really a necessity. It's a chairman Yang thing, it becomes part of the whole, where it came from doesnt matter but the whole has gotten better.
there's basics ofcourse, its good to know left from right when talking to someone for instance, but as a whole, insight is more important than knowledge ... or as Albert-sama said, imagination ? Imagination needed for interpretation. the out of the box bit leading to the proverbial quantum leap (how this expression came to pass i'd like to know since quantum refers to 'the smallest')
thoughts flow freely, if you restrict your database to be linear, sequential if you like, it's way less efficient. Takes more processor time i spose if its one big linear(ily?) arranged file. The difference between a filing cabinet, shift through all the cards, or a spreadsheet huge as fuck, enter the term, jump to the cell.
mh, maybe i'm railing a bit on the winding track here in the middle of the night
sure go ahead and call some names, i can see your world is working perfectly with your proven age-old methods ... i think Darwin-sama had something about ... what did he call it ... ummmm , adapting ?
not like i got anything better to do now is it ... no sex no glory no money no life no nothing
love ... cats, yes indeed, good thing or the void would long have broken out.
januari 15th havent drunk a drop of alcohol this year, not missing it really ... for lack of better dope will have a serious bender next month ... see? i do make plans
kitties huddled close together in a seat downstairs. I sometimes wish i could just shapeshift into one of them and join them. One curdled fuzzy furry ball of content, singing the happy song of purrrrrrrrr. carefree
but i cant (yet?)
i dont know how many threads an average brain has ... don't know if different brains have different numbers of threads, don't know if its split up or just comes down to raw processing power. Does data get pushed onto a stack to wait as another process takes priority or are there threads with different levels of priority at once? thinking about it that way seems the closest i can get to trying.
Do modern processors even work like that anymore? Knowledge on that is a bit old i'm afraid ... i suspect nothing has changed all that much. Still Von Neumans work?
The amount of data involved in processing just one 'frame' of what i see. The number of associations made in less than the blink of an eye. Could a so-called supercomputer even manage total interpretation of just one frame of what a human sees? Everything gets checked by everything that's known. And that's just one aspect of awareness. It's vast, and unexplored territory. People there are like the first captain Kirk, going boldly where no man has ever gone before.
Guessing wild in most cases i suppose, but isnt that how all good science started, with imagination :)
the greek dude whassisname, galileo, einstein ... thinking up things that didnt exist in the mind of the world ... THAT is imagination
thoughtpatterns, data and associations, one thing indeed, the more you know the more you can link, there's a pitfall there.
Maybe that's why the ultrasmart elite has such a knack and hang for exact science. Little room for interpretation, all strict formulation. With all the things they know and understand, the possibilities are endless in most situations i presume.
try to get some shut-eye anyway, mondays calling and sundays sun hasnt even shown herself yet. blasted ball of fire radiating life
eeh, spike and charisma carpenter making guest appearances. Think i saw darla few weeks before in there somewhere. Can't think of the guys real name. Had a hard time remembering her char in buffy : cordelia ... probably cos i never thought hey hm that guy spike looks quite fuckable ... she still got that expensive callgirl thing going on now , even if a bit more, euh, voluptuous than in her cheerleader appearance days.
But this? Dreamless sleep is almost useless, hardly recovers you, doesnt let the mind rest at all. No release, not even in slumber.
None,
gods the sun is burning through the drapes
another fine day of wasting away in belgium lucifers cage lasciateogniesperanzavoicheentrata
hate...
i feel like kicking someone's teeth in, any volunteers?
yea, cooped up lack of sex no options, that sums it up in a way you could get i get that. FUCK OFF, last time i checked i'm still stuck in belgium, the last place on this earth i wanna be, so i dont owe anyone anything, i dont do that negativity as an act, its the moment and now this moment this is it.
one too many moments of it ...no, WAY too many moments of it, wont change for better as long as this is standard.
where's the money?
where's the fucking
see me smile? i'm a clown
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
something must have pushed me through the rift again last evening while i was dozing off in nothingness for an hour there ... this day seems to be an epitaph of sundayness, with only monday to end it that can't end well at all.
m sorry ... well euh, no i'm not ... you know that's one of the worst expressions ever, 99% of the times its used people dont mean it, something like my god ... you know that one is definitely NOT my god, still the expression is embedded somewhere, i carefully try to outdoctrinate myself from things like that, but the battery is endless.
So, to repeat AGAIN, did anyone expect a thank you for me being stuck here after everything i worked and tried for got taken and fucked over by third parties several times?
I used to have a mean southpaw, its a bit out of practice but if you come a little close i think i can explain more clearly.
I wonder if someone somewhere might have gotten the idea of trying to make me do something without asking straight up. When did that ever work out for the better. Demented world i tell ya, i think the memory clock gets reset at midnight every night.
Origin login servers down, steam needs reinstall because of some server sync problem ... raptr showing me online and playing two hours before i woke up, dont get me wrong, its not life threatening but the games are all i have here to keep me sane, just like the cats are the only thing preventing me from delivering justice and horror. My personal heaven is full of tortured folk. They had it coming.
Like anything a temporary solution, its not like anything changes because i can hide in a virtual reality for a few hours, its almost like dope that way come to think of it.
So
where's the money
where's the fucking
life?
i can take care of the revenge myself thank you very much
yea, whatever, maybe i AM spoiling for a fight, maybe i AM SO SICK AND FUCKING TIRED i'm actually inviting you to put me face to face with at least one of the fucking failures responsible so i can end it all.
maybe i'm not
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
let me spell it out there for you once more : N O , like three lines and a circle, ive seen chimpansees handle that amount of info
i am saying what i need though, no doubt about that there. no discussion about it either, discussions got closed over two years ago now.
buy that game just like i said i would, see my end of the bargain is usually kept unless sabotaged, i will do that parttime shit, even if i dont give a fuck about it, i can be pro if necessary, no problem there, but that's where my end of the bargain ends,
i said i needed more money, not more of your bullshit...
right, so what else have you got for my 40 euros then?
?
???
waiting ....
???
nothing, really? yea thought so .. cant even fuck a healthy ho for that kind of money (if i wanted to at all, i explained the condom thing already)
yea, my end of the deal , would have finished that school already, would have gotten that degree you're all so fond of, would have done that part time job already, leaving parttime for independence ... if not like EVERYONE failed to mention what i clearly saw ... would have paid off everything already, if not the justice system is the opposite of what it claims to be , it was pretty neatly calculated, there would be nore criminal record, slate would have been wiped clean, instead everything got wiped away, sexlife lovelife, behind my back dont tell me anything else, im NOT a fucking retard, i have to live here not in the place of my choice. Discussions HAVE closed over two years ago, do your little prancer dance all you want and twist semantics, you get my way or the highway, even if it kills me.
I worked very hard and managed a LOT of patience to get all that, in the middle of living together with a girl in psychosis for whom i had REAL feelings ... i cant blame her, she cracked under the least bit of pressure, swayed in the moment, never KNEW any other guys than the ones who doped her fucked her went away, not capable of resisting anything, adapting immediately to the situation as a survival mechanism just to be left alone. Dont DARE to talk about that if you dont know shit about that.
not that i wouldnt bury her alive ofcourse, you know vendetta is forever.
Yea, kicking out the junkies and the rapist. Cleaning house, cooking, doing laundry. Not she ever learned that having been in institutions and abandoned more or less since 14, problem child.
Watching out every second she didnt cut herself too much, while just recovering from my own depression and psychosis, doing that school shit, making it work, stuck with 150 a month ...
you think i did that out of sense of duty or something?
drunk mother, fat pig stepfather oogling her, bipolar depressed egomotionally disturbed father ... i dont even wanna know what happened there, something still smells like incest if i think about it.
Keeping me in the dark with neon signs over your head? If you're like that stupid, you shouldnt try to lie, your body tells more than your words at any given time. Even when all was settled for the move , STILL no one talked.
trust issues huh ... right.
People HAVE TO stop telling me that that was unhealthy and this situation is better for me. Really, take my advice, people who dont KNOW me are NOT to give me advice, especially NOT on those matters.
so , i really dont have issues there , i actually HAVE BEEN FUCKED OVER too many times by fucking retards, strength in numbers i suppose
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
Yea, spending sunday by myself locked up in a cage in smallville while nothing works as it should has always been my idea of good times ofcourse.
But this is just, what ... a needles sting on top of all the rest.
what oh uhm yea, feeding a borderlne psychotic girl with absolutely zero selfconfidence and zero self-esteem drunk to get her to do what you want or just do what you want when she almost blacks out DOES count as rape in my book. Really, yea, it really does. Almost had the fucker, about 15 cm larger than me ... mouth about twice my size. Mucho bla ... one hit had him running calling the cops
LOL, there went the story about not having to fear anything since he was his size, bouncer boy ...
crybaby i think he still smells the shit in his pants, if i meet him ever again in a dark alley, there will be no time for copcalling ... he's still the guy who raped my girlfriend, vendetta is forever.
Keep that fuck away from me, forever.
Feel like testing me or something? Been saying for years now testing me is a VERY bad idea unless discussed beforehand.
But sure, go ahead, make my day.
the mutilation of self, clearly born from guilt, maybe daddy pushed the button one too many times, creepy freak, maybe mommy, drunk bitch ... maybe too many people did it all the time, not everyone is born with an innate resistance to idjits 10foot radius
from what she told me, and that's first hand, it becomes addictive, there's a craving for it after a while, she NEEDED to do it, like a junkie needs his fix.
Anyhow, without selfbackpatting, might all be a coincidence, 6 years institutions got her on 13 different meds DAILY. Three months out of that system got her back to almost nothing in a more or less stable environment with someone taking care. Not that i set out to prove. It was a must have at first sight thing, scars and all.
Dont tell me what is good or bad for me, telling me might be bad for you, my patience isnt wearing thin, its running on borrowed time.
Done is done however, no going back, there's no one from the past i would want back xept a few cats i lost along the way.
Slapping that bill in my face waiting a few years for me to settle down, hoping id have money to rip off ... good thing i'm a little smarter than that, waiting long enough so i couldnt even protest anymore. No, sorry, sir, they can wait as long as they like to present it to you, but you have to react within seventeen days of the court decision if you want to object.
Reasons to hate belgium you say? Someone still talking back at me?
That bill, for that thing i wasnt near, the thing people declared i wasnt there, the thing i have to pay the guys fine for, the guy who actually did it, proven, confessed by a few. Because he's back in jail and i stayed out.
Reasons to hate belgium ... what?
Apart from killing me or something there's about nothing you havent done yet. And i lost fear, its called prikkelvervaging in dutch, i dont know the english term.
stay out the way or you might get slay ...
(thats wutang clan)
walk it off, nightfall's always so much better than sunrise.
Pack of smokes, one nougattie bar and a can of sprite, six euros not all lost.
you are well-fed, 10% xp bonus? tv-time, well tv-time, dont have cable in the cage ... dont need it, dont even want it, same crap every day interrupted by commercials.
The internet my hivemind.
Sounds like imminent nervous breakdown of budding psychosis seasoned with regression.
Yea, actually it does a little
Under hi levels of stress (stress being consequence of inability or unwillingness to accept or adapt) the demons crawl back up on me, clawing.
Don't fight them off, take them in, no use hiding from what's already part of you. You can't hide from you, wherever you go you're always there.
Take them in, adapt, co-exist, they have been here longer than you, fear kills.
Ignorance is bliss? when talking about human babies it might be. Otherwise its the number one cause of violent conflict. Fear born from ignorance. I'm surprised the authors didnt make it into the fifth horseman. Then again, ignorance has alway been the ally of the ones in power i suppose.
Any politician saying he will cut back on education, consider him potential dictator.
just finish the level of Homefront before going horizontal, plenty of time for other shit, after all i am still without reigns to my own life for years and no telling what will happen after.
nonononono, i'm not a walking ticking timebomb sure to fall back into those few months of my life, years where nothing goes right counts as hi stress levels, i mean nothing after losing almost everything, that counts
i perform actually pretty well in crisis situations when everyone's running around like chickens scared of the proverbial fox
proverbial fox? is that maybe the excuse for shooting them all year ... see, way i see it, more foxes is a good thing, its like at least they're still there and we havent wasted them like we almost did or did to many other species. The area here is considered rural. I have yet to see a single fox, think i only saw one once and that was scotland ... or was it luxemburg ... doesnt matter.
no excuse for that
reading backmail ... still talking about greece? i thought bringing the government down and replacing it with bankerchosen strawmen was supposed to fix that? looks like
NOT, sometimes i wonder if the media creates this just to have something to blab about. Havent updated on the world for months now. Not since the old folk came back from France for hibernation. Yea, they live there half year every year , well two times three months about-ish ... for now that's about just enough to keep this livable. No, that doesnt mean they're rich, they just worked half their lives, more than half in jobs they didnt like and now this is their, how do people see this? reward?
fine with me. No that doesnt mean i got money, obviously not since i don't. Never got a lot for free i didnt nope
which is good somehow i guess, but not all good.
Seems like i havent missed i lot, dont need that repeating info on disaster and imminent crisis trying to whip everyone in place in the machine. Hard enough to keep it all together as it is without worrying about the world of men as well.
So, greece didnt get solved with the masterplan, crisis (i read that as having less than they did in the golden years) still going on, an excellent excuse for those on top to 'downsize' and 'restructure' ... sorry people, you'll have to work more and harder and longer but for now we're gonna put a few hundred of you on the streets every week, can't help it, it's crisis after all. Who all wonders ponders if they dont like like it just a little bit in secret, more power.
Eh, the shadow army of the scorned is still at work ... EU officials passwords, credit card data hacked and published. Good thing, but they will ofcourse not take this opportunity to check their oversized ego's and how little they actually know of the world they try to control. Probably try to hunt these people down as criminals, not a very smart thing to make the only ones who get it and could help you prevent it into enemies. Risk of Iran war ... clear to anyone who can't read the wall i suppose. Again a matter of ego over mind. They can suit and burn themselves for all i care, they've been warned enough that that is not Iraq, they havent digested afghanistan yet. Testosteron aplenty, reason far away. Pray the local pig-farm not to get involved in this. First of all cant justify the money involved since all has gone to hell and the pigs themselves get the main share still, second, it would be a VERY stupid thing to do. that would be a first... (third : hunting foxes all year? what year is this ? 1830 ?) the danish answer to the eurocrisis shows exactly what it is about, control over the masses, rule with fear, force and threats. Make it easier to fire people ... i know, slavery gets shit done. What year is this again? and iran? these people will rise up themselves if it gets unbearable. You will not superimpose your morals and ideas of how it is on foreign cultures. Consider it the prime directive (yea, as in star trek), doing so will get you just another enemy in the end. sure, what do i know, after all i'm just an external unbiased observer who sees nothing but failure in everything suit and burn yourself, whatever happened and was done is obviously working perfectly. I wonder where and how these people got their education and if anything at all about sociology, delinquency and the birth of organized and other crime was involved. If so, they clearly did not pay attention.
no birth control no hope(and that's a long-term necessity on global scale, so long most politicians wouldnt care since they get elected for less long, or do you think they actually do?), unless we get back to the 1% , but i hear nothing about that anymore ... seems like the 99% were just a bunch of hippies after all then.
right, no change in two months ... as expected ... at least i'm not the only one repeating himself then. Gonna leave it there, to quote the daveanaz : somehow, i just can't seem to care.
they can just keep on dividing right, it will eat itself, its inevitable since there will be nothing else left to eat.
got mah own problems, no thanks to all of them, what a wonderful, wonderful world
open up the email i reserved for the belgian bullshit jobhuntsystemcare they pushed me into after getting me that job they only had to pay me half for last year. Nice in theory if you never left your desk or big mercedes i suppose.
The girl who 'follows' me , cant complain she's sweet and all, tries her best, its her job and all, and im glad its her cos most of her colleagues would have clashed and crashed with me by now, i dont take threats, never took em well, dont take them at all now.
But the offers i get, even after explaining everything several times ... cant get my head around that ... first one open up : need proof of what u call it? some kind of paper testifying that you're a nice decent citizen who never got out of line ... OFCOURSE I DONT HAVE THAT IM STILL PAYING OF FINES THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIXED BY NOW AND I CANT REDEEM BEFORE ALL OF THEM ARE PAYED
reasons to hate belgium
skip that one ... or should i actually waste the time emailing for it ?
number two, salesman in a pet-shop ? full-time ? ANTWERP ? if i deduct the cost of train i probably get less than what i have now with all this situation i am in. Should i just apply? As if sitting in a shop full of CAGED ANIMALS would be a thing i can bear ?
let's just skip that one as well, anyone feels like its something good , then why dont you apply, my situation is not yours, this is not what i ask for, definitely wont do but all of that is explained above right...
ow, need five year experience in selling animals over the counter as well, lemme check ... euuuh , nope ?
fine, next
working five shifts in a factory at a machine that makes paper ... woaw, sounds like fun, sounds like me, definitely compatible with the things i planned to do ... need only two years experience ? Doesnt sound like part time job to me really ... somehow the part of fulltime isnt worth my time since my money is not money does not get through
yea, sure, ofcourse, for god and country, specially in times of crisis but ummm ... no, since all got taken, no, since i'm still stuck for AT LEAST two years, NO
my offer is final
anyone feel like this is what i should do? why dont you apply then if it suits your needs.
and so on, i'm not gonna call all of them here, but that is how it's been since months now ... people asking me if i still dont have a job ... tired of explaining the same thing over and over again. They somehow think work more gets me off faster, that is not how it is. Sick of explaining, fuck 'em not like their lives and mine cross somewhere.
Gotta meet the woman sometime this week, sweet lady, fit for the job, i'd do her if she asked me ... good thing she hasn't, things would just get more complicated that way.
I still feel the guys before me should get priority on all the stupid questioning but here's the thing, you get the job if you've been unemployed for at least two years ... while living in the city with my crazy psychobitschz i went to school, that counts as unemployed, so i got lucky mowing lawns, good thing i'm allergic to pollen ... you know, when i was doing dope daily, i was like allergic to nothing ... just some sidefacts, nothing to do with this
the job done after one year, you get kicked out, no chance of staying. They follow you for six months, obviously send you all those offers they talk about in the statistics on their little newsreel : thousands of jobs are open still !!!! no wonder they are if nine out of ten requires more than you can offer.
Somehow everyone fails to see the possibility that jobs that not get taken over time ... might have nothing to do with potential employees but rather with the conditions and employers?
that's probably heretic talk in these 'hard times of crisis' ...
spend all the money, breed more kids to fix it for you, make them work longer ...? does that sound like a plan? Not to me but it's what they are doing.
i WILL HAVE TO find that part time shit i need or win the lottery ... or go back into what they commonly call crime, to get hold of my self again. I dont feel like wasting my life on nothing i want, especially after the vip-treatment i got here.
I'd advise anyone not in this situation to
a) NOT judge me
b) NOT try it
you're not me and i'm not you, you havent been where i been, havent seen what i seen, and definitely did not get that SHIT to eat for years, that shit, justice, cops, politics, bullshit, everything i tried broken and wasted, what am i some example? told you that would explode in your face.
lets keep the distance and respect and keep it civilized please
i'm not asking, negotiations stopped two years ago when i got ripped down for the very last time, nothing more to force me with, seems hard to remember.
At least i'm still willing to try to get out of here.
holy shit, i had to be there today? umh, i thought it was tomorrow
really, i really did... my bad, better give a call there, pretty weird she didnt call me ????
what the fuck we'll see no harm done
o wait no
(lol-)
ofourse its monday on the calendar its past midnight ...Stupid fucking me LOLLL, almost called her in the middle of the night ... fine
gonna be a short night then
probably just try and skip the sleep? should i?
we'll see...
gotta be there at ten ...
wide awake
hmz
another coffee maybe
i didnt choose for this, mistake this not for lack of responsibility...
how current this thing is
i somehow had the date on tuesday hm ... doesnt matter, it's protocol and routine, i'd rather go and have a drink with her, she's intelligent enough to talk with.
but that would be not pro huh :p
said have a drink not try to wtf, she's got kids, dont do second hand genes
owh, on that, yea, sure sorry single mom if your kid has mental issues ... see the girl mentioned was my girlfriend not my girlfriends daughter so i was like fucking her and taking care of her, not her mother ... moms dont work for me, mine never did, maybe that's it ... maybe cos the only one who got me stupid enough at a very downtime moment in my life to get her pregnant aborted it on the last legal day to do so ? maybe ... maybe something else, doesnt matter, what matters is it is.
or am i to stand up and pound my chest gorilla-style, refuse everything on a certain path to nothing? go down spartacus style make history? If that's your impression you should re-read.
Stick to the script, practice patience like the panther in the tree, i'm not a muslim fundamentalist. No use jumping down in the abyss if there might still be a bridge around the next hill.
Panther in the tree, don't let them chain you make you do their little tricks. Resist, do not give in or up.
the part where it says 'part' time however, not going back on that unless its something ultimate.
2am ... set the clock in case i fall asleep
got a life to lead ... if i can find one anyway
see? einstein thinks i'm right, i can see it in his smile. Don't let the fuckers get you down, they're jealous, you KNOW you're right
destroy everything so my new life can begin.
dam my perl is rusty again, been a few months since i last checked it
rudimentary script for direct online posting taking shape
with a little style from my sheet can make it even look good how very fucking nice the digital age, gutenberg would never have believed it
bit sore i didnt include html formatting from the start, that's gonna be some work ... well, not that i have real plans for the future, plans get thwarted, hope brings only disappointment, only patches and temporaries, porn, gaming, the occasional bender ...
where's the money
where's the fucking
life ?
omg think me thinking planning years about that parttime social worker job and parttime independent computer shit ... as if i could handle such a thing huh
NOT without a sexlife i cant
4:30 already ... pffrm ... lesser beings would call off i guess, but she been correct with me afaik so i think i owe the decency of showing up at least.
good thing the posting script is ready shit that shit must be easy money if you do it every day, not for a boss, just maintenance contracts and stuff, lo profile as usual ... too late now
when this here bits and bytes is copied into tableshape the rest is just point click type and adapt the formatting with stylesheets ... what a waste of life i was sabotaged to not be able to do that... tsk, tsk ... tsk ...
meh, too bad first days will be split up day by day not mood by mood and post by post ... need put script under the newday button add something to separate day from day in css as well ... plenty of time for that right, still years of nothing in sight to go.
unless someone forgot to tell me something?
My knee is acting up since a month or so. Don't tell me i been doing that crap job for the last year before it cracked ? that would be , euh ... reason for a bit of wrath i fear.
Ganesh (tomcat) comes occupy the desk ... maybe he's right, get some rest, plenty of time stuck in lucifers cage to go ...
pfz <-morningbrain ... this why they try to stick me in a rythm that's unnatural to me? virtually defenseless all i can do is bite in case of emergency
Home, first words spoken : food
quod erat demonstrandum
crawl back into the ancient kappa trainers get some rest, highnoon = evil, sunlight burns, if these were medieval times someone would prolly try to stake me while sleeping or more likely would have faced zee spanish inquisition, middle finger attitude would very likely get you killed back then if not careful, but let me let you in on a secret : nothing's changed THAT much, still religious morals rule the rule of the one lord of the land ... still you pay a piece of your harvest to the lord of the land, lords ... lord ... that much difference? It's always the same people dividing the big slice of the pie amongst themselves. Backbreakers and bluecollars still get to slave, the only thing they changed? Make you think you have choice, dont take everything, make you 'work' for things you 'need' you have to pay for till the day you are allowed to stop. System is nearly perfect there. Slaves with something to lose revolt less quickly than slaves with nothing to lose.
Intricate, really.
Previous ed i did, the social work thing, sociology was one of my favourites, tho if i called it mass psychology the teacher virtually blazed me down from afar with fiery eyes, such blasphemy !
mh, the wellsprings strands show me there's clearly still something wrong with the concept of privacy here. Someone's just a little too motivated. It radiates.
in a BAD way, there's different possibilities ofcourse as always, this is not Einsteins territory, but i would welcome him ofcourse, he's invited to sit at my table in valhalla if he wants to :)
maybe daylight blinds me,need switch-off time
mmh ... if you put your head in the sand intead of stepping aside or helping i will have to kick your ass until all that's left is just your head
sticking in the sand, cos i need to pass that way, it's a matter of selfdefense as said before.
trusted someone today? good or bad, dunno, went out on a limb anyway, hope it dont get shamed or the gate might slam shut for another decade.
uh, the alley still links to my old xbl profile i see ... needs fixing
fixed ...
gah ... install silverlight? what's with all the plugins, i'd think the present html/css/js provides about anything you need without the need for extra installs
it is totally annoying for zee consumer/client, i know it is for me, this site was optimized for blablabla but you still need to install this and that plugin to do so and so and make the most of it ... you also need seven different platforms to play your digitally downloaded games, battlefield, yea well, not on steam but origin ... i supposes there's more, two is one too many already, which there was some crossover (that didnt make you PAY to use it or make you wait while ads you never follow pass the screen, best thing about the internet's like no regions, no borders ... no advertising in between your videos online ... some parasites are trying very hard to waste all of that, the latest youtube has become a drag, on linux, it even halts the video when the in-vid ad gets displayed, probably some bug that needs adressing)
very ... very annoying
so here we go install silverlight , uh moonlight as its called for linux ... or else no editing the online profile ... could have done by now if i did not have to waste time on this bew-shia
right, two minutes later :
"Novell Moonlight" could not be installed because it is not compatible with your Firefox build type (Linux_x86-gcc3). Please contact the author of this item about the problem.
now hear : i am just trying to change my avatar's gamerpic on the xbl website ... do you or do you not catch my drift here as the Fonz would say?
lets try installing chromium then ... for some reason there is no internet explorer available for linux unless you go through the WINE-layer, these people can't stand eachother, even if there was to be a benefit gained from mutual agreement, they still wouldnt do it, either side. It's like in any nations politics, ye olde traditions die hard, even with these 'smart' people ... different degrees of smart, i think smart is a more evil word than fuck or shit or bitch or even nigger, altho that has the slavery-taint still over it.
When most people say 'smart' they refer to how many facts you can recite and link and to what's generally known as the I.Q. , thing is, there's way more than one Q to be measured but i guess where all is black and white you're smart or not ... the usual
chromium needs silverlight installed as well ... werent they just planning on dropping it? i'm sure i read that somewhere on a trusted infosite. They should for aforementioned reasons, modern browsers are powerful, and the language/scripting can do about anything, if you're into that stuff, really check 3D canvas demos, it's amazing
SO .... do you want to install Novell moonlight?
it can access :
all data on your computer and the websites you visit
sounds very reassuring
not big brother at all
works on chromium at least ...
ow, just need to install ANOTHER additional codec pack
sure ...
mind you i'm still just trying to switch my gamerpic there
Ah
here we are : bringing avatars to life ...
uh no shit : a pic says more than thousand words
compatibility issues ... for just how long have processors had this 64bit thing going on, and just how long is it gonna take before 64bit os and browsers DONT have compatibility issues??
What ? uh , well ... its a hobby, its not the end of the world, you can always compare this to a footy fan who's favourite goalie just let one in if you like...
no i dont have a problem with those people ... i have problems with all people, no problem
if i had to larp a teacher's role let's see...
right now, i'd be inclined to pick the ruffneck sensei from Beelzebub (funny hi-skool anime), the last spellslinger, killer of trolls and all that, the only one who's actually capable of communicating with Oga and that Toga dude
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
to say i'd like to follow in the footsteps of siddhartha, the ultimate teacher of ever, well...
i think i'm a bit too explosive for that, if not that it's like preposterous i couldnt touch the guy if i were jumping on a pogo-stick
zelazny's interpretation of the man in Lord of Light would suit me better. I dare say that's my favourite book of all time by the way
not that i'm interested in being the teacher of anything really, when it comes to classic education of the formal kind, i'm once more right where Albert-Sama was and i think i'm not the only one.
MASTERS of the universe make no mistake, read my lips and all that, no matter what anyone tries to say to prevent hurt, i feel that not everyone is created equally and its best to give people the chance to be the best they can be, not have them become something that's needed at the moment. Not everyone is capable of doing it by themselves, that needs serious drive and motivation. I'd go and stick my neck out and say that the majority NEEDS guidance to do this. Is it lazy or is it something biological, i dunno, i lack the education there (xD)
so, classic education, formal education might be a necessity no matter what for the main middle chunk of the bell-curve (ever since i heard Trey Ratcliffe, a master photographer, use that in a presentation on G+ it stuck). That chunk is a reality, if not, statistics really shouldnt be used at all. For now, the world looks more and more as if its based on ant-social mechanics (no -i- inthere)
we who are not as others? if we are, that does not mean we are all the same kind of different anyway. The thing about group and the need to belong to one is present in most people, its just too hard to cultivate the free will against the flow of 'things'.
no offense there, simple observation from the outcast point of view. Maybe banishment is good for at least one thing then, got the dalai lama to show for that, smart little fucker, or rather wise would be more accurate.I felt he kinda kicked Tutu ass on that parlay even tho he probably had no hostile intention. Face it christianity is based on dogma and acceptance while the very nature of the buddha was to question everything, accept nothing because it just is like that. Glad he decided to not do politics in the world of men, it would corrupt him, after all he IS a human.
makes me think of one of my favourite passages in my favourite book of all times where Sam, mahasamatman, based on the real buddha, gives one of his eloquent speeches on how the first man who saw fire tries to describe it, but he can only pass on words and never the exact experience (in short, the passage is like two or three pages)
READ IT IF YOU NEED IT
there's an exerpt there : do ctrl-f for 'Names are not important', got me a first print of that book some years ago from a guy in california, took about a month for the snailmail to deliver it, read it many times, read it many times before that. When i was like still a kid i got to the point once where i couldnt find one single sci-fi or fantasy book in the library that i hadnt read already. Often scorned but like metal music, its not about green little men, its mostly scientific theories and strong morals being weighed all the time.
and then there's harry potter ... i know, but that's not really science-fiction is it? it's a kids book, and a good one at that
conclude point being : if you're into something you will learn it twice as fast and even learn while not obliged to since you want to (dont take the twice as a mathematical norm here pls)
i think that goes for all men (humans before someone kicks me for leaving women out) great and small alike
consider it : soul
in dutch it's called a 'ziel', which sound exactly like the German ziel which in turn means 'goal' in english, not the soccer kind.
Another of my favourite youth-dishes lined up for tomorrow i see.
sometimes i think they got this hidden advisor with a 1960s rulebook somewhere trying to play tricks to make me associate this with warm moments from the past. Fat chance, no life is no life, no food changes that.
Try not to make a fuss about it too much, it's pointless anyway. Can't change the past nor can you change people stuck in it. Help is only possible if there is a will to change.
What's with this hunger, just finished a plate could eat again. Am i pregnant or did father box of Zyprexa fall in the kettle by accident. That shit makes you hungry you wouldnt believe it, it did me at least that month they were forcefeeding it to me.
just listening to it energizes me, truly in sync with the normal rythm of my life
real shame i cant crank up the volume to right before the danger zone now, after dark not until april again i suppose... then again, miracles have known to happen so who knows
o no nonono no nooo nope, no
listening to metal (they call it stoner-rock i hear, i think thats like a dumb label, i just pour it all into the metal bucket, no need for subdivision, its dig or not) listening to powermusic with headphones? that's a capital sin ... like that rubber biscuit, if it dont bounce back off the wall, you just go hungry. Music like that was made for playing loud, and definitely not made for locking up between your ears.
put the file in place, next post try the script, after that add when i feel like it ... more time for embellishment and stylecheating. So far glad i did this. Wether anyone else reads this or not, at least part of the truth is out there now and i can justify the cost for my hosting to myself.
another night not completely lost on the state my life is in by choices that are not my own and the void between my sheets.
anywho, not all wasted night tonight, let the truth be out there to those who seek it :p
now ... back to the matters at hand
where's the money?
where's the fucking
life?
keep my cool
for now
without the last bits of my shattered soul nothing holds me back from becoming
destruction
cant rely on what they say anyway, after so many lies everything said is a possible one
its a computer thing, there's no such thing as impossible
see, the sea?
put the sea against the rock, in the end the sea always wins, even if it takes a million years
flow and angelic patience, must be an astrologicél water thing, after all i am the cancer in the heart of the inquisition
three minor satisfactions in less than 24hours ... i feel my subconscious bracing for the next hit of malheur, can't help it
nothing at all?
strange mental flatline, disassociation from the rage?
not good any emotion beats apathy, apathy's the ally of mammon who gave himself the shape of what dragons like to hoard. best trick ever there, looks like the world is his.
cube : still not for yiffing
cat says don't touch me, think she has a headache from the snotnose ... women , tsss, always the same...
eat to fill the void, do something, not lay down and let the void consume me
filling the hole in my head with some sid meyer i cant help thinking. Not just because you cant help thinking if you want to do some sid meyer but someone asked me today if i knew how to play chess. Well, not me personally it's this truth or dare type o social network without the dare and no one knows if you're telling the truth, way cooler and less ivory than fb or all the others. tower that is, narcissist even i dare say most 'social' network behaviour. Narcissist maybe a bit strong but its definitely posting from the bubble. the thing's called formspring (formspring.me/mrmalice).
so i'm thinking. An average alpha centauri map has more than just 64 squares, units are adaptable and you're not even able to see all your opponents pieces unless you got some intricate scouting going on.
what would happen if you pit a seasoned player against the world chess-champion?
see, here's the thing, i'm not saying the worldchampion is representative for all chessplayers but from most i've know they 'study' it by learning snapshots by heart.
little adaptability, just frame after frame memorized, bit like most schools like you to do.
so, do i have to answer : yes i know the rules of chess(there's very few rules actually and only how many? seven? different pieces with each their own range and behaviour) but i dont know all the possible openings and total games played by heart. I'd smac your ass on a random map tho probably?
guess if i gave an answer like that i'd get a funny look or something
who cares anyway, chess a fun game as well, just that, a game
someone's probably taking this as an insult again somewhere ... sad, sad humans
more coffee ... this brand of pads says strong, but it feels like deca almost, unless the hole in my head is just venting the energy right out.
just ... does this give system errors on how strategy, chess, drug use, non prude sextalk, incompatible music, bit of coding on the side, interest in physics and meta-, violence and a criminal record yet sweet and softspot for cats mix together?
don't be ashamed, i've known it to happen right before my eyes.
if so ... it's not really my fault you were raised to think in cleanly separated cubes ... or lines maybe given the bipolar nature of today's worl
not my fault
that should be understandable, right? guilt-button and all?
hmz...
Chairman Yang got me through the night. Took me a while to make them see the error of their ways but in the end they agreed : holding on to the old world was futile. For some reason the screenshot doesnt work, maybe the same reason why it cant be made to work with the WINE layer on linux?
all in favor of the 50 dollar version of windows for gamers say aye? (aye)
the house is waking up. Lil Shiva still dismayed and sneezing poor critter i wish i could just absorb her germs and sweat it out myself. At least the hair on her legs is growing back now. Few more days she'll be as good as new i hope. Innocence doesn't deserve suffering like that.
but this is hell after all isn't it?
what will the next day bring? i'm guessing nothing good, i'm hoping nothing bad. Hope for the best, expect the worst, prevent as much disappointment as possible.
it's not just where's the money and the fucking
life now, where's the drive, this mental flatline doesn't work for me.
i hear salt works against dead people but dead people never seem to bother me
is life worth living
where's the money?
how come i wake up alone again?
why am i still stuck in this hellhole of a country?
where's my fucking king diamond cd?
if a delivery from hong-kong takes 20 days or less, and a delivery from california takes less than a month to arrive, it would be logical to derive from that the fact that a package from germany, a neighbouring country would not take two weeks to arrive. Must have something to do with the european open borders thing ... the dvd from zavvi i ordered later but i got that last week already ...
details? details?? not if you only have my kind of beggarscrapmoney, definitely not details.
what a way to start the day, nice try anyway
my personal superstringtheory displaces the attachments, pulling them rings bells in wrong places,
i will not rest before hectors blood is spilled, his bones they all lie broken, dragged across the field ... yea, really, it IS what keeps me going.
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
i think some of you spent too much time nose down in books instead of looking at what's out there
you never like thought about it right? good prozacboy, nice prozacboy, shut up and swallow, good boy
bottle of Lafroigh quarter casket, the Wales' prince favourite i hear, man might have fresh prince sized ears, he sure got taste in whiskey if that's true<
crack a lame joke at the girl behind the counter in the pet food store, purdy little thing thinks i'm hitting on her?
Sure sweetzey, i'd do you more than once, you're way up there with fuckable but twas a joke, and not a very good one according to the normz, twisted mind keeps turning
seven tastes of catfood, variety the spice of life just as well for them as it is for me, 16 euros, cat happy physical- and mentally, money well spent
last mp3player broke down, only good for storage and recording now, check for new one, new years sales still on.
first store, iPod 8gb, 140 EUROS WTF???!?
second store mpman 8GB mp3, mp4 ... screen, mini sd-slot ... on sale for 29,95 ... is there really a choice to be made here?
Did that monochrome apple with a bite cost that much to design to justify the cost?
everyone's free to spend their money as they like, unless it ends in a world of debt you expect your children to fix
dam, almost down to my last smoke, get new ones? nah ... pakistani embassy open well into the hour of the abandoned street
we'll see, almost feeding time
that also means i can buy like three and a half of these at full price for the price of one iPod with less capabilities?
refuse
pardon? i think i didn't quite get that there? what?
repeat the question? sure, since you insist
where's the money
where's the fucking,
life?
see, i dig the Sid, i really do, enlightenment, ascetic virtues and all that but let's not forget the guy first had about 30 years of royalty, luxury, sloth and harem as much as he wanted. Even if i don't subtract the (at least)eight years that got wasted in and cos of this shitty little country, i'm still about 28 short of that so until then, the question remains.
not really a yes or no question innit
silence all around bounces off the walls no music wall left wall right ...
escape into two dimensions
dam cheapskate ubisoft, pre-order game at full steam price ... make you wait for six months longer, get not a single steam achievement to go with it ... they who have the most huh or how goes that?
silent scream like ( )
but the fact that these courts just bend to the will of the americans instead of protecting their own citizens? Is it so hard to see why somewhat more fanatic factions have this little grudge against them?
another fail for trust in justice ... another reason for cameron to fuck the fuck off from european politics, Orwell was definitely not writing about the ussr from his viewpoint as bbc presenter
another sad day yet good thing this illusion of democracy and freedom gets pierced. The obully administration is not doing a very good job of making the united states of overlords look more sympathetic.
what you reap is what you sow?
we'll see
i think it's time to start witch-hunting lawyers and lobbyists in america, they're clearly demons in disguise
just by accusing it
let's see ...
something about 'boonensoap' ... must be some reality tv crap on a local bicicle hero i suppose ... then there's pipa middleton ... aaaaand ...euh ...zdnet has one article about it it seems, local tv and radio report nothing ... fucking hobbit-news, all crops and shire, panem et circenses
on a bright note however i read some of our politicians actually ask for the courts to come back on their verdict to have the pirate bay blocked ... let's read why shall we ....
ow, right ... it's the Netherland politicians, what was i thinking
belgium ... not a single happy moment or at ease until i can leave this shithole behind.
this is treading on my turf, and definitely stepping on my dreams, i hadnt even laid them under your feet since you corrupt everything you touch, wtf
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desperate fossils feel they're losing grasp of the world, the only tool they know : control
old world money trying to reduce the 1% to 0.1% ?
i'm very glad to see Google takes a stand here, they just got -1 on my scale from worse to evil now, something they had in their motto at sometime i think
what do microsoft and apple have to say on this. Influental mass-corporations as they go these two definitely have some weight.
let's see...
'We oppose the passage of the SOPA bill as currently drafted. We think the White House statement points in a constructive way to problems with the current legislation, the need to fix them, and the opportunity for people on all sides to talk together about a better path forward.'
that's something i guess, i'd like to see a little more Viagra in that statement there tho Stevieboy
can't even immediately find anything on apple but their support for it last year (just like microsoft still did then)
postponed to february, age old tactic, let the storm die down pass bill quickly while before anyone knows what's going on?
this would create a divide the size of the grand canyon, not gaining software companies but putting more money in the hands of those who actually sell pirated software, just like the days before the widespread rise of the internet.
yes, that is my opinion on the matter, it goes for all things criminalized
but what the fuck is on with me,...yesterday i ate nothing but this hamburger and wasnt hungry all night, now i had a quarter of this whatever it was, meat pie thing they cooked up here, five hours later i could go for another mammoth steak
??!?
i wouldnt even compare it to a real criminal act but just one more question there wise old men who are about to be in diapers pampered by the youths you try to extort today :
After shooting Escobar, do you now have less junkies in the unites states than before, or do you find the flow and traffic harder to control as it's lost its public profile and dispersed?
no, i'm not saying any of these people are criminals, its the pipasopapeople labelling them thus and we all know how that there gimmick works don't we?
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
(and i'm not really sorry, man that's one fucking annoying expression)
so, let it stand corrected
dam civilization won't start, and i'm way not about ready to lay down and die till the sun kills the night
nothing inthere but alone, long for that embrace that skin on skin
vanille on hecatoncheir, cowgirl erupts screaming, subliminal? death to the adamantortoise
few more rounds of alexander, dont give in
what next in outside life?
more nothing, dreary keep the papers clean do something
has to, need to see the future
don't give in
i'm a force of chaos, not an agent of destruction
despite everything done to me i still try to prevent that, unless someone has an actual twelve monkey virus to wipe the planet clean of humans all alike?
didn't think so
cats don't like war, life is chaos, death is order
unfortunately my smiting from afar skill got stripped together with my wings
can't find that death note anywhere either...dam shinigami must have found something better to do, or maybe tried to save my life who knows, i sometimes felt protected
neko-chan njan njan, let me in !!! rain outside omgz
wet purr pussy needs stroking
erh ...
bit longer like this and i might go freud on my own ass, see flaming penises everywhere
maybe should just think of rest?
maybe i just need what i need and that's that
probably
house makes wake-up noise, lie down
hide from the crack of dawn
it stinks
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hope my little shiva gets well soon, pains me to see her like that
beel-bo keep me company till sleep then...
repetitive, every day again
check the data, doublecheck,
payment effected dec 29, 2011 ...,
Date: 29 Dec 2011
Time: 19:18:44 GMT+01:00
Status: Completed
status : shipped
online shop-rep : 99.5% positive on over 20k transactions ... inclined to believe the guy any day over the snailmail ...
would be the first time ever i dont receive a package, but with all the disruptions in the force lately, who knows
paypal leaves no doubt either, swiftly and with style, they must use different computers than most banks 24/7
ordered it, want it ... will not stop me from buying online ofcourse if it dont arrive, the difference in price compared to rip-off country here are just too high.bought my big-screen (not that i watch tv but being locked up in a gold cage the xbox needs more than a 17inch) bought it from the next country, online, cost 300 euros less to have it delivered to my front door than the cheapest one i found here ... nuff said
snailmail has this theory where, if you want to make sure your parcel arrives, you pay more for the service they say they provide, sounds a bit like an extortion tactic, bit like the mafpriaa
thing is, if i need insurance on it ... it would still cost less than buying it in the local cd store, but it wouldnt be worth the wait
anyhow, like said ... would be the first parcel ever not to arrive
i did have LOTS of mail disappear when i lived in a town not too far from here however ... too much to be coincidence , contract of the house had to be sent like seven times, tax forms missing, probably some pro justitia as well, paper doesnt jush disintegrate overnight
trustworthy environments, reasons to hate belgium
i never did see those letters and papers there, dont even think about making excuses, but i know how quickly you shut down when it comes to your world has been failing all along
let me break it down :
- either someone took those letters and paper from my mailbox
- or the girl lied about nine times about the fact she sent it, not to mention the tax forms and the letters from justitia (whihc is a farce ofcourse here)
- or the snailfail failed to deliver about twenty or more items to the same adress in about six months
maybe your not big on math, but to calculate the probability here you don't need to be a genius
so, whatever, if just one of these reasons is true, it leads to distrust
i will NEVER, ever be at ease as long as i am stuck in this shithole of a country
and like the shit with cops, lying backstabbing friends, unreliable family, corrupt justice, politics, its all fucking 100% true, so ... who's to blame is irrelevant, no one spoke when it was necessary, no one was there until it was too late, and that's just the brainwashed feeling of i have to working there, its to make you feel good about it, not the person in need.
fuck this shit
i realized last night, the fifth horseman in a world built on lies rides a shadow horse and its name is truth
how the fuck would anyone be as stupid to think all of that can just go away because of a little plush?
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
got no rights, not allowed to vote, not allowed to have my own business, not allowed to manage my own money or the intrest on the fines would have crushed me indefinitely
'modern' version of chapter 1 of 'How to beat your slaves into submission
quite the opposite effect i'm afraid.
no rights, but still must pay for a litlle plastic cards says i'm property of belgium ... taxes don't count for that, costs me 25, even if my bank gives me a plastic card, chip included for free, even if they made a little less money on me than this hellhole nation
'modern' days ...tsssss
pop Sun Tzu in the mpman, try gaining wisdom, listen to it many times, remembering the words dont matter, gaining insight being able to apply it to all kinds of situations in a very meta way sure does
Atropos almost got me there, nearly slipped in the middle of the road
cars ride by
sorry baby, i'm sure we'll meet again, Kronos unrelenting
but not now
i'm the ghost that hasn't died yet, will not, can not go before the issue gets resolved
don't make a 180 if you see it coming, that one's known and calculated in, sneaky bitches they are, do a 182,4 at random keep the plan invisible, better even have none
wall street fluke, put the hippies in the frontline, let the funny looking guys take the wave while singing that redemption song
expendable
all is fair in love and war
if the enemy strikes out, you lose nothing that you need, you can assess their strength, their means and tactics,their limit of patience, their point of going into action and how far they'll go
nothing lost
leave them the illusion that this bunch of rabble is the core
nothing lost
if they go all out on bait, move round and charge them in the back, end of story
if not bide time, learn, keep that guerilla going
classic
nope, there was no plan nor is there one as far i know and if there is one i'm sure not part of it
just an interpretation of a possibility
i dont think anything was organized and definitely not like that
just pouring the flow from one point out
revise for spelling errors? all my enemies are spelling and grammar nazi's on the side, an easy way to single them out
think imma lie down a bit, stuck for years to come short of a miracle or two
what?
no, nothing's changed yet
obviously
coffee, don't waste perfect darkness
mmh, two 5new, three new demo's on xbl? needs checking
have to call back lady for cleaning job, maybe there's a deal in there that works for me
might not be wise, people mislay things <-> guy with criminal record, cops dont need proof for harassment if you're in bad papers, bit like that american patriot thing only not as bad yet
we'll see, check her back tomorrow, if it's acceptable and gets the papers off my back why not
know how without even picking up? not me but google knows ... 6 digits all it takes
not to tell in public, might be branded hacker, modern witchcraft? just a google search
bit like what they did with citibank, smart whitehat would just have left a note tho, not published all clients data ... i do get how being branded and prosecuted might make your hat go black tho
don't really have the needed skills myself, once left a note on someone's desktop saying their data was at risk ... accidental, network like a lan connecting windows this is what happens
curiosity is never bad, knowing surely not, what you do with it has consequences good or bad
like i said, accidental strollings through an open door, has been years now no harm done i hope they read the note and took measures, whole bookkeeping on there, who knows what else, not my style to go peeking in other peoples panties without invitation, i'm much too fond of privacy myself
not much hacking about falling through an open door, no axe required
midnight, time to raise the dead and summon that azrael
yea sure i felt the question marks and worse around here, no matter what i do they always re-pop so why bother, this is what i'm gonna do and this is what i'm gonna do, (no, not the being locked up in a room and playing games all night)
missed the i need life back part?
it doesnt matter what i do, people hammer me with doubt inhere, just try to make it clear this time i wont brook interference from their fear in doing what i do
help? fine, answer the questions
head tugging, lie down ! why? will everything be different if i wake up at the hour of stressy people all around the streets, i doubt it.
few c'ieth stones ... maybe get some ideas, little brain involved in finishing achievements.
what questions? pick one
who took my mail? where's the money, wheres etc...how come my lost id card ended up at the police station of the town i live in now before i even gave notice that i was moving? half a bible's worth of words and question marks there if you like
see question marks? no it's more like pressure, topdown/bottum up yea i know whatever the past is the past and the present is a bit of past for everyone alike, it doesnt matter how or what, what is is, just hope i don't have to be real rude and lose my cool for people 'helping' me without asking, dare i say manipulating? nooo, that would have never happened ofcourse, who would do such a thing
READ IT IF YOU NEED IT
nice teacherster who we were without for half a year, sadly ...
nah ... might be shit, but it's not the u.k. ... yet
maybe suspicions am i back on druckqs being awake at such unholy hour?
just fucking ask me i'll take a fucking piss test if it's negative you pay for it and me some extra kay?
upload video to youtube, proof of my existenz in the outside world? Proof of having life if available since possibilities of life are scarce here? let's not over-analyze here shall we
dammmmmitt, downloading picasa doesnt download videos along with pics? i lost those? where's my twenty minutes of satoko fuji ? about the only live recording where the cam didnt fuck up the hall sound , shitz maybe its somewhere still, the only video i ever edited footsteps to kentaro gone as well tsssss ... story of my life, if i werent afraid of being called paranoid i'd swear someone sometimes tried to erase all trace of my existence
might i go and check if house is breathable again?
i wonder how long i'm keeping this youtube account ... definitely not forever
like wtf dude ... slap a coder silly pls, manager rather
something learned, however futile, counts as something learned i guess :)
young, skinny, bit twisted, head in the clouds but not an airhead, could use an angel wing to hide in from time to time
non-standard issue, no legal issue anymore either, different, not interested in the world of men
could have been perfect
could have, never know something interfered even for simple conversation
too late now ofcourse
fucking retard country
highly underrated, often feared by those who have it as well by those who hear it
might break the safety bubble built from air for certainty
fear of conflict
there's very little progress without conflict tho, and conflict need not imply violence
bakerman is baking bread i think,
cookies?
sounds like a plan
supercookies from bakerheaven, can't be fresher, crunchy sugar chocalate goodness, melts in my hands as well in my mouth
Lawliet can be jealous for a change, havent hear a lot from him lately
Try to share the yum with empty bed and then it strikes me : if i do that i'm left sleeping with nothing but the crumbs
so stuff it
in my mouth and brace for the next day
see i got another call, yesterday?
was still sleeping
don't give a fuck about it anyway but might keep jackals off my back so call?
or do a one eight two point three on the scale of events not happening
i wonder if she knows who stole my mail
probably give it a call anyway, after all i was born for cleaning ... no offense but hmz, fine, three or four days a week tops, no halfdays for a whole week,
we'll see, i just hope people arent that fucking stupid to go peeking and poking round my back
what would god do? do i look like a god to you?
get some help man, you , yea you, the eyes are the mirrors of the soul and since you have none i can see your thoughts right through them
no shit, well no shit
what did woody allen have to say?
thought so
you owe me eight years, dont push me and dont step on what little dreams that i have left, there's landmines all around
yea, at unholy hours to sleep, so fucking what, i've been treated like the antichrist so i gained the right, right
still no king diamond cd?
fine, if i can wait for the world the world can wait for me ... the cd is the least of my waiting concerns anyway
at least my little furry sweetie seems to have regained her composure ... few more days and she's as good as new, that counts for something i guess, not that anyone has anything to do with that, this vet came, the last one i called, when my gigacat Ganes wash ill and definitely scared shitless from something, i stayed home for two days, got my torn up graspop ticket still hanging right here next to me at the wall.
the fucker didnt even show ... when i called him back he said he'd forgot ,
FORGOT???
that's my kid you're talking about there, even if it has fur and walks on four. Another treatment belgian way, someone still feel like talking back?so what did the other guys say to that job by the way, i hear six months after they're out of the program and still unemployed ... don't know if anyone feels like nagging about it, but if they do, i would seriously suggest for both their and my safety they go nag to them first.
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
pardon? who did you say took my mail and cost me thousands more? what exactly 'just randomly' happened so i got stuck here? excuse me what? didnt hear you there? How come i'm paying for a fucking double murder psycho who's in jail while i stayed out?
what?
o , thought you were saying something
she has 8 point 5 million and she dont know what to do with it
see, south african, nigerian and ivory coast scams , now that's at least some human decency i can bear, these people don't make it so intricate you lose your life unless you're actually stupid enough to walk in
job offerings still the same, no can use, no part time, this learns me only one thing or rather it reinforces what i already knew, tis better to lie and act in the land of no-portunity, just get into the system-mill and you'll be left alone, problem is the system mill is going nowhere but down and unless it got some answers to the questions that i'm asking, i dont really want something to do with it
lot of talk, right, rehabilitation, take your life back, get control back, reality : the opposite, there's nothing but borg philosophy here
doesn't matter
keep myself in check, focus the rage till it burns a hole in the world and i can crawl through ... would i get out in Oz or China ... if it's oz i still got some swimming to do but wtf, the gazelle practiced running all day but the lion got her anyway
i'd go somewhere because i feel like breaking down the walls, but there is, as usual, nothing here ... next event in the garden of kever is probably at least six months away and as far as i know, that's the only place here where i can get some peace in the midst of wordly people, all cool all night, have a beer, pull some fun
not today then huh
blast away the hippiecricy with decibellic wards, sorry old folk, better than having me explode, or is it? (i sometimes think they'd still just grab the first chance of kicking me out on the streets, so they can do what they're good at : out of sight, out of mind, complain and sigh and o that boy)
that is not going to happen anymore
yes, sure i can say that, because it happened, more than once, which makes it true, and hiding it does not make it go away
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
spare who, mercy what? nothing to do with that, truth needs out, situation needs clarify ... i still need a lot of answers, got kicked out lost home no job no nothing state allowance scratched for two times the legal period (its a belgian thing i guess, you set a maximum then apply that twice) got chance of making money without robbing where the system did nothing but kick me in the gutter, took it ... got addicted, jailtime
and now
I
am the criminalthat's not how this is going down
dude, i'm not halfway there you have no fucking clue just how much venom they injected me with
maybe later sometime, love to actually, i'm sure there's little justin bieber there, xept maybe on a darts board? dunno, havent been there since it was the other bar still, now it's more like, official club zone ... rad bikes all the way, roadhouse rock i spose
we'll see, the prospect of being prospect just to get into the one bar where i might feel good here is just one tad too much
besides, i dont have a bike, definitely not one that could stand next there
if i did that here they'd probably drop me in a straightjacket and haul me off to the funny farm
hi hi ho ho
get out, looking for dark places
nah, they tore down the most trippy place this place has ever had? was like the witches house from hanzl und gretl, i shit you not
culture destroyed, society destructive like the taliban
check up on aunties house, in the neighbourhood anyway she's hospitalized had a stroke
all looks fine, she has the bestest neighbours
if i find that pot of gold i owe the hatebreed crew a serious night out on the house, all included
what an avalanche since first i heard that song ... guess the pebbles and the rocks were there but the dam needed the right sonic blast to burst
feeding time ...
'you have enough?'
i got nothing but the cats that matters, ofcourse i don't have enough ...
o...
talking bout food, ofcourse what was i thinking, sure there's some left even
sprite, bubbly sugar rush, lay down a bit need chill
because of the embarrassment caused here in the face of the public, and the unwillingness to set ego aside and admit incompetence, this will ofcourse lead to witch-hunt, but what you gonna do, they're everywhere and if they're smart they remain nameless, might be your neighbour, might be your sister or it might be you
like i said, this points out just how WEAK the so called cyberdefense of the worlds most advanced army has to be, an un-organized un-funded 'collective' of nameless faceless who do it with no other goal than to react to injustice. No plan of conquest or disorder (like what us did in iraq more or less, they're fighting eachother now, region is destabilized, no longer a threat to uncle sam), nothing but a whip to slap some sense into the fossils
but like said, it will probably lead to witch hunt since they can't allow to lose face, even if it means just ignoring their defenses are actually nil and void and its just propaganda.
i support whole-heartedly the ninja's of today, as long as they keep the agenda clean
i suggest you do the same, america is quickly becoming public enemy number one and if they dont get their government in check i dont even want to imagine what happens when the grudge of all this meddling finally retaliates.
as usual : to the what can we do answer i have only one reply : shoot yourself so you dont get in the way of those who try
but before you go ...
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hmz ...
you'd think with what temples of science they have there it would be a bit different, can most people read anything but zee scriptures in there? good american family values?
they're turning themselves into public enemy number one and don't even think twice about it, after all , god blessed america huh? with what?
loathing silently cutting myself off deliberately from the vicious spiral of always the same bull
then they go and pull that shit out of their ass, i can smell it all the way to here
off all the places in the multiverse available ... why am i here?
where's my chill pill?
wopps, right, forgot, only one i can get here is scribbed meds, no thanks, keep it, i'll sweat it out myself, i kinda like my brain
on how to make the sky fall down by pulling too much shit out of your ass
MORE TEXT THAN YOU CAN HANDLE
study from princeton, that's an american science temple, right? not like MIT but it does make the tv sometimes, heard about it. Does this mean it was still allowed to criticize back then? What year did that patriot thing get instated actually?
hmz, google knows ... signed 2001 by the great saviour bush the android
am i the only one who thought the guy had like only two expressions? the models firmware definitely got updated with superobama there
i don't care what anyone has to say about this, this IS getting scary worldwide, i can almost feel it, and like i said before, i don't like world wars open or not, bad for the planet, stressy for the cats
...
did i get the vibe there somewhere 'this shit is not cool'?
should it be?
this is not about cool, this is what's on my mind at the moment of typing ...
best not try to catch me in it by the time you ever see or meet me what you read now is not what's on my mind then, very likely
why would i care about cool, i'm hot like lava
definitely worth the read if you can stand that much letters in a row, witty, well-researched, by the end i can see the cynic peaking through
Bernard Chazelle is definitely one more american i could get along with, i have known there to be others, not all hope is lost then
it's gone ... uh ...?
part of it ...
i'd still like to visit New York for a week, hope it doesnt get bombed by the next terrorist organization they created while superimposing their values, i don't know what the status on Iran is but they still have a good chance at awakening the dragon there me thinks
ah yes :
it all comes down to the same left-right, or as chairman Yang calls it in my alltime favourite game : Yin-Yang dualism?
church in power rewrote those very scriptures the conservatives are on about all the time a thousand times by now, hippies in the 60s added their own eleventh commandment : thou shalt not be negative
don't these people know that everything reverts to balance in the end? embrace both sides, don't just stand aside pounding the ground at the other side like the apes you evolved from ... discussion about that as well i guess, creation-ism
not getting into that now ...
if you have any doubts about that balance thing btw, ask your local physicist about the nature of the universe you live in, kinda take pretty hectic force to shoot things out of balance and even so, when the force is removed, it reverts ... i can't even think of an exception (which doesn't mean there is one)
rather be out there in Suldrun's garden dancing in the moonlight with the nymphs and sprites and elves (and cats ofcourse) making skinny whoopee in the endless night
computers, the quantum leap yet used mostly for downgrading humans, think of what one massive EMP would do to this world, in less than one hour, all systems down ... hospitals down, internet down, all that money that doesnt exist except in numbers gone ... intelligent grids down ... everything down, maybe pack the world in a cosmic tin foil hat just in case?
europe is my home, i live here but i never feel at home
home is where my cats are
what would god say?
nothing that makes sense, they dragged him off in straightjacket to cosmic asylum for crimes against the universe
saw jesus once tho in a train station in gent, he seemed very happy, probably glad to be rid of the tyranny of the guy who raped his mother
probably happy that the nailing to the wood was over too
dunno who was more loaded ... me or that longhair hippie
no one here i got beef with and afaik none of them with me
reducing traffic to the point where my 2 hour http upload interrupts is ofcourse just a little bit ott
check the ip's on the router see who has been connecting?
why would i do that
why would i care
the usual ...
stuffed my face ... sandwiches with spicy martino salad
scripted a few lines for my website to make my life easier, ... watched some anime, smoked too much, drank too much coffee
read a study by a guy at princeton 2004 on anti-americanism
read a synopsis of the american patriot act
and played some final fantasy while pouring out my malcontent with the current state of affairs all over the internet
how bout you?
yea, same shit
no, not my idea of actual 'fun' but better than zombie on the couch watching brainkilling ads with snippets of tv in between
for me at least, to each its own if it doesnt get in my way
tried to upload that video now how many times? eight ? six? too many ... if it's stuck at 70% a little longer just go down reset the router, dam thing won't accept connection without physical connection ... maybe for the better, altho i dont think there's many ueberhaxx0rz around here, not within fifty metres anyway afaik
the deeper i get into this patriot act the more it strikes me : guilty until proven innocent ... reminds me of a court where i once stood trial
situation
reset the router
works like a charm, maybe someone was actually using it, too bad, all you have to do is ask ofcourse but this kind of congestion is too much
didn't know the animal liberation front was deemed terrorist as well, looks like it is. In belgium here they just got discredited, someone set fire to a truckload of chickens and claimed it as an assault by ALF ... i always wondered, why the fuck would animal rights activists set fire to a truck of animals to get to mcDonalds????
makes no sense at all
someone got convicted anyway, guilty until proven innocent
words, words, words ...
according to the jews, everything started with the word, i hear words play quite a role in their mysticism
should i say religion before someone tries to blow my head off?
all the same god, split in three or more from ancient tribes way before zee loard was present
the word of god
a soundwave resonating particles into existence from the quark soup whats it called? nope, it's quantum foam, the theory here being (theories aplenty) that things pop into existence because they can (in very short mathless laymen speech)
if i find the word of god and analyze it, can i use its reverse form to unravel failed reality back into its nothing where it came from?
would make me bigger than the antichrist hmm ...
purr sounds a bit bubbly still
sneeze all over me wash hands
what?
if your kid had a cold would you go like uuueah gross?
i hope for your sake and the kids you won't
its the same to me, i chose to have them, living breathing feelng with emotions, wanted to have them, they look up to me, depend on me for food, protection, need me when they're sick, they're every bit as worthy of whatever love i'm capable of as any of the lives you chose to take under your care
hmpf ... if sopa comes into effect will they shut wikipedia down for posting parts of american property to the outside world ... wasn't that a chinese thing you always hear about ?
dunno, never actually been to china, but i think its safe to assume the green dam is no lie, never heard of china arresting citizens from foreign countries for copying a movie tho
previous needs correcting, more accurately quantum foam : things pop into existence because they are drawn to it like air into a vacuum , i think that describes it more accurately (as far as i get the intricacies of the ivory tower spellweaving wizards of physics)
need check on gigacat, outside it rains
i think they're here again
they're coming back it's 2k12 after all
last city i lived in with psycho skinny i had this experience a LOT, i woke up at exactly 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44 and 5:55, if this happens a few times you go like yea bottom up and all that, but if this happens days and days and weeks and weeks, you really start to think is this that movie with leeloo multipass and the aliens?
no lack of spiritual experiences here
but never once felt threatened by anything non-human
xept maybe a dog or two
true or not? the feeling's there
i don't do well with spies and prying eyes, you wanna play the question game you show your face or fuck off
don't do hippie love if there's no yang to yin it won't work, nor the other way around, love the plato wisdom but i don't do platonic
had no problem deleting my 15000 tweets close down the account with what 1500 people maybe? was full of shit anyway
same with the two facebook accounts, same with google, don't know if i closed that myspace down yet
don't really keep people i know in a neatly organized online scheme, talk to them when i meet them
no grudge here ofcourse, you feel like private there but question game is quid pro quo
or, like the bookstorewitches say, the shadowpeople?
two times on the clock makes not for mystic mood
brush teeth
cats at peace in private places
house wakes up
bed
alone, just me and the shadows now again
silence means enemy
coffee, need kickstart, fucking hell cats locked down in that cold garage again, wonder how many days on end they spent in there when i wasnt here, never fail them again, can't turn my fucking back for thirty minutes
the futile resistance of fossils, i think they're gonna try and lock up the whole world before they realize there's no one left to serve them
retards, why don't they just die so everyone can get along with their lives, miserable enough as is
ofcourse, just like i said, how many times have i been wrong here?
escape monkeylandnews, they discovered the u.s. finally ... futile fossils, what now have they gained xept the fact they turned everyone against them?
maybe you rather wanna look for those who do?
no thanks, that was yesterday morning
so if it's not about that, consider me officialy not interested
where's the money?
where's the fucking
life?
who took that mail exactly ?? still waiting for an answer there among others
who wants a kick in the teeth? i could use the exercise
coincidence ofcourse, what else could it be but the curse this land lays on me
good thing, i dont like going to the city of rats, not even if i need to
still expect it to break down right before the stores close, we'll see
yay ho, even the sun came out for a few minutes to make my day even brighter woaw, i love it when she does that, totally
stormclouds gather again, really more appropriate
another day and night encaged, nothing to do here for a change, nothing in the nearest cities but rat extermination
nothing at all
woops
there it goes again
should be in time still
so here we go, what a waste of fucking money ... i hope no one expects a thank you for this half-life? i got two, i call them left and right, come closer i'll show you
pure unadulterated hate, if i stay stuck here all that's left to do is to destroy it from the inside out
walk five miles to the console shop in the city of rats ...
city of rats yea, at least twenty, twentyfive if i remember correctly what that porc said ... twentyfive at my door every day when they needed me ratted me out without a second thought
girlfriend probably helped set me up, too many weirdness about the situation, no proof, cops wont say ofcourse they could probably predict my reaction to that then
city of rats, every time i walk the path the memories are there, they're not going away, nothing for me there anymore, ever
five miles walk, no biggie, do it all the time, exercise don't hurt either
enter the shop
can i help you?
what's the cheapest xbox you got
flash eyes big (try that anime kawai?), that is not what you want?
excuse me, are you telling me what i want? (course she does, its her job, wrong guy tho me for that) ... please save me the saleschat, my old xbox broke
i know ... (you know how the hell could you know ... well there's always several possibilities ofcourse, dont matter here)
i know, but this one has a 250 gb hard disk
i dont need that
but you can't use the old one on this one
i dont install games ... (never heard of cloud storage i guess either ... this thing they're on about for years now ... first the mainframe was dead, then they dug it up and called it cloud, more klout in cloud i guess, make people pay for storting their data instead of just buying a harddisk)
ok sir, just saying
sorry sweetie, having a real bad day
we all have those
by the way, can you still use up to 16 gb flash drives for storage on these 'new' xboxes?
err .... ask colleague ... do you know ?
colleague doesnt know either
(told you not to give me saleschatcrap)Well, now you know
there you go, that's 185 please
hand over 185 sponsorship for microsoft ... that's 185 lost on the road from here to Tokyo
Tokyo? yea, Tokyo, crazy bout japan. was planning on new york but with the current state of america i dont know if that's safe ...
saved money hard worked all year crappy job, didnt even have enough after that ... not giving up ... if only for one week out of Limbo, that would be a start ... unless someone forgot to tell me for six years i'm not allowed to leave the country ? distincht possibility, they forgot to tell me i'm not allowed to vote until i stood there at that desk in the booth
forgot, whoops, if anyone forgot to mention anything else, like minor details that might fuck up my life a little more, i'd hate to be the one who brings the news to me
Tokyo it is ... that's something to look forward to however small
copy the savegame to the cloud, let's see...
unless they look down on you maybe ... still, a thing learned is a thing learned, whatever it is
update in progress ... at least i got two controllers now
what to do with the old one?
fix it ofcourse ... probably just needs to be cleaned out or put some cooling paste somewhere, bought it second hand three years ago ... i think it's already fixed up for the total rrod as well
we'll see ... fix it, throw it out the window from the second floor afterwards as a sign of my deep appreciation for the situation
fix it, smack a chip on it play copied dvd's as a sign of deep appreciation for the current american way? with all the money i spent on microsoft so far they might as well give me a lifetime license for windows-to-come and still profit from it
fix it, put it up on ebay? maybe
fix it, give it to someone ? meh ... i don't think i feel like Santa Claus, more like Antiklaus
update in progress...downloading...
it's like you go to a computerstore the guy there starts his pitch on the latest twentysevencore cpu bla this bla that, any techforum can tell you get a decent gfx card to play games, anything from core2duo hi end up will do, unless you plan to run a server or do nothing but video processing or 3d rendering you don't need it, that's sales and marketing for ya
don't teach you that in schools either ... local rewritten history way more important to keep the peasants down
that goes for anywhere so stop being hypocrite about the arab world or china or korea, the way its going in the western world it's gonna be worse than orwell predicted
profile downloaded ... 1 friend online, no thanks i dont need a short tutorial
boot up game ... set up cloud storage ... square enix my companion in times of need ... downloading saved games ... press any button to continue
loading...data loaded
works like a charm, no 250gb harddisk needed anywhere in the process, might have bought that one if i had been to new york and tokyo and still had money to spare ...
so ... look around
same shitty place, same shitty half-life, gigacat keeping my soft spot warm, snotnose kitty sleeping somewhere else
still no money, nope, less money than yesterday
still no fucking
life
another round of snow and lightning then ...
my money bitch, worked it that shitty job, the best option of all evils available after being forced to live here (or would you call living on the streets another valid option?)
my money, my labour, paid more than my dues already, still stuck for years ... no comment, specially not from anyone who wasn't there
leave this place behind is all i live for (with cats, ofcourse, WITH cats, need them like i need my soul i said all that)
if not leave behind then take it down with me
tokyo the first step of exploration then ... a sunny beach full of baking bitches is not my idea of holiday ... i like the sea only at night when there's no filth around, a great way to understand how small you are, right there at the tide in the sand at night with just the moon and stars to keep you company ... works even better than looking down from 3000 meters of mountain, altho that is pretty vast as well ...
what would i do with one million dollars ? ticket out of here for me and cats, no doubt no question
but one million ain't enought to take the trip with nasa or the russians outside the atmosphere is it?
get life or die trying, i'll probably die anyway at sometime in the future, so there's no excuse for not having tried, no excuse for settling for less
BECAUSE I CAN born to bleed, fighting to succeed, i really owe these guys
yea, china, ofcourse, china, but i fear one week aint even enough for one city like Tokyo or New York, so it would definitely be wasted on speeding thru China and missing like everything being like 'wtf?' when back on that plane
it's huge
i hear Tokyo and New York is about the populace and probably more complex than this here whole dumpcountry, so, ...
guess i can be needy, call it healthy, or the will to live like that schoppenhauer dude
not much use, no one here to dance with me
getting out hunting local barsluts in the nearest city not really an exciting prospect either
porn? always the same bullshit over and over xept i hear this sasha grey tried to put some art in it, dunno ...
most pornstarts are way too fleshy and round for my taste anyway, and no matter how it's only a temporary fix
works better when you act it out yourself
parents out for some drink of that nationalist movement they stuck me in when i was eight ... mother kinda apologetic about going. As if i care, everyone is free to meet, right? Free speech is absolute, right? Do your extremist speeches, shake hands with the next saviour who will turn into the next gluttonous politician once elected anyway, i don't give a fuck as long as i'm not expected to care or be bothered with it, the worlds a little bigger than your one side, same goes for the left wing ... it's more like a circle, left and right stand back to back they only see in front of them and think they're opposites, in fact they're both the same
pf ... maybe just lie down snatch some screentime try to doze a little, maybe a dreamgirl visits me in my dreams ... its happened before i hope they werent shocked, to long is natural as far as i know.
no R.E.M.-sleep, theory is too much R.E.M.-sleep related to more depression, i hope they got the 'when talking about people prone to depression' clause in there ...
as far as i experience, lack R.E.M.-sleep makes you edgy, and definitely doesnt count for even half of when you get when serious dreams occur
i say serious, the kind that makes your eyeballs roll round in their sockets. Sometimes it feels as if i get prevented, always something happening right when i doze off, or always something interrupting me when i'm in deep.
maybe just the shitty country curse stealing my sleeping dreams as well
what an empty place to be
guess it's considered bad taste to go as far as to make biological family disappear to get control over life
hmz ...
and then there's the americans, if the bright side wants to start a civil war and take liberties back they can have my support
there's so many sides to a diamond, no matter how the light hits it, once you get the dirt off, it always shines
what a wast of fucking life
?
me?
did i say me? think i said diamond
coincidence malheur
the site is down lol, just this week-end, opens back up on monday ... millions euros project i suppose, not even one mirror, just an 'under construction see you back on monday' page ... just the kind of pro i came to expect from the people who would push me into shit that isn't me, where tbe government takes the week-end off from the financial crisis because one of them just got a kid ...
err ... please let me stress ... people like them : do not push me, you don't deserve to push me, if you push me you always push me in the wrong direction, play your little importance games whatever you like, but let me handle my life if i need help i will ask, dont make me an example, i make a very bad example any which way you try to turn it, you already owe m eight years, don't make it worse, you can't manage the country, you're not fit to meddle in my life
down for the week-end ... wonder how much this overhaul cost they can't even mirror it for three days (or would it be like mirror, what is that?
imagine google doing maintenance like 'sorry guys come back in two days site is down'
lulz, yet sour lulz, since these people are partially responsible for where i'm at now
SCREENSHOT
what, skjoozmee? this is being friendly, they never hesitated to shove me down the drain xept a few good men , women rather ... this is taxmoney at work
or rather not working at all
this is what you get when you get only people ruling who actually don't know shit about how anything in todays world really works, that's why banks get hacked by guys posting urls in a browser window. That's why they pay someone, or some company who doesnt even put up a mirror on a national jobhunting site, the kind that would report you and take your allowance away if you don't act in time or do exactly as they tell you. With a few exceptions as i said.
if not it's actual proof that i've been looking in case they decide to rob me of my rights for twice the legal period again (let it go? how can i ever let that go, it was the rock that started the avalanche until i had nothing and had to make do, which i did), not that i'm about to let me bully around again once more, not by the americans, definitely not by them, my life is dead as is
how the fbi got hacked? from what i read that wasnt really hacked but more like attacked, network overload if that makes sense to anyone
still, their increased security funding from the patriot act was clearly not put to best use
nuff said ... site down till monday
you don't need to be a hacker to install freeware like Virtualbox to check out different operating systems without installing them as main os, its a very nifty tool
don't have a plan, let chaos fall into its place it always does, like snowflakes end into a virgin morning if nothing interferes
dam Neochu won't die, i'm pretty sure i killed him this way last time round
coffee... java juice and healthy sugarcube
dam knee is acting up, don't tell me i spent last working it kaputt and now i need an operation? i fucking hate hospitals
would be just my luck i guess
whoa? disturbance in the force all of a sudden? wtf is it now ... would be like totally cool if the force could speak
will not be very happy if it means need operating on , knee part of me, me like being whole and healthy, minor shit i'm sure, totally recoverable but still a waste of life while undergoing it
to quote short dawg on this : motherfucking shit, god dam asshole
murray gell-man i have heard knows more about anything than anyone ... something to live up to, let alone the fact that he had a vision of the great cat in its purest form
escobar the street thug from the gutter built hospitals and schools and roads, no matter what nasty shit he pulled, his people kept supporting, cops had to play dirty and break their own laws to even get at his entourage
darwin stuck to his theories in a time where the church had just only lost power to burn people for speaking
lucifer, the greatest of the angels stuck his middle finger up gods ass refusing to bow down for no good reason
jim morrisson, the freedom man, love and lust for life says you're all a bunch of fucking slaves (to your traditions)
orwell, speaker of truth in metaphores
paracelsus, so i read, told his students to burn their books, accept nothing from before before they checked it out themselves, must have read some buddha somewhere that guy
galileo wasnt afraid to fall off the earth, even if it could have cost him his head still
now, lady haha might be more fuckable than all of them together ... but she has no real qualities i'd like to live up to
to each its own inspiration ofcourse
at one time he offered to pay off the national debt of his country. Wouldn't you like to be able to walk up to your local overlord, go :"hey mate, here's a suitcase that can set you errors straight right away, you can have it if you just get off my back" ?
i would
another time he 'agreed' to be locked up, but in a prison he had built with guards he had appointed, quite the lounge inthere
i don't worship the man, but he's a straight symbol of something out of nothing and what (hu)men($) are capable of if they get their will on it.
once had a workmate, well, more like boss, who spent a few years in the slammer in Peru. Didnt even get a bed there unless he had money to bribe the guards
know how they got him? his woman sold him out ... johnyy dep blows all over again
stand up guy (when i knew him at least, dont see him anymore xept once in a bar few months ago) ... totally clean now, well clean, ... did lots of business but never touched the stuff, i mean totally legit now
shut up, knee, don't make me go mister Morden on your ass, the flesh does as its told until i say it's over
must ... kick ... Attacus ... ass
don't know why she felt like turning off my pc tho ...
not talking
not gonna repeat myself now, nothing's changed
and on top of that it's sunday
for rising at ungodly hour or not playing family illusion at prescribed table hour
don't budge, it's just looking for reaction
it makes me sick, i can't pay with it, it don't set nothing right, i can't stick my dick in it and most of all it just points out more clearly the state my life is in because of YOUR FUCKING WORLD trying to assimilate me and people trying to use me
go play cards with the retired folk while drinking myself into a senseless stupor until they get scared of my past (which they only heard about from a guy who knows a guy) and kick me out?
go watch the local soccer team suck at a sport that doesn't interest me at all ... while drinking myself into a ... etc
other options?
go to church after which i can go drinking myself into a ... hmz
that's it i think
so, uhm, how about ... no ? Wont come out with more money, something to stick my dick in unless a scurvy barslut (believe it or not, there's not even scurvey barsluts here), nothing to wake up to make me smile that i dont already have (that would be my familiars, yes)
so , uhm ....
sure, everyone can get their kicks the way they like it, just that me being the outside freak doesnt get on my nerves, it's more like stapled to my nerves by now
try to invoke some deliberate disassociation, i dont feel like breaking stuff (well, i do but if i give in there's nothing here to break that i dont need)
shitty halflife stuck by good intentions in the country that i hate the most
but that's not an option anymore
no more lies, and that, even without a needle is a lie as big as prozac's-nation
recovered? no thanks to them, by the time i came out i was still as craving as the day they put me in BUT i was also addicted to medication
prozacnation helpstyle
four hours on the streets before that little drop was rolling up and down the tin foil
did it by myself after that because i wanted
no thanks to the world of men
they know nothing but what their feeding tube prescribes
o wait ....
TOO LATE, WHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (<--insane gotham jocker laughzey)
what, who , me ? nah, i got my own life to balance, no time for idjit-protection-programs
doesnt matter now, but might very much a little later
fog is clearing up a little wtf is this, this like that time i got benzo in my blood on a random test (i do that for maintenance purposes and such sometimes) after having quit it for a month? took like one small 5mg a day on prescription on doctor's orders ... didnt do shit ofcourse so i quit it ... quite impossible that lingers for a whole month after it
since i already trust no one because of what i can proof and did see with my own eyes, this is a distinct, not a distant possibility as well
fucking knee ... maybe the pain is here to tell me that i'm still alive (to quote more hatebreed)
don't hide from it ... accept it since it's part of you now, deal with it
or don't
choices
nothing can compare ... the coke the crack? i dont even think about that shit anymore
still, i've learned my lesson albeit not what they tried to infect me with oim gonna be a real rocknrollah
or die, trying to escape this shithole
stand on top of bridge, under me the veins of society
cars flash by to and fro, beautiful sight somehow, even if it's raping the planet
come home, feeding time, hungry
song playing : i fought the law
but the law won?
bottom up shit going on ... again? too late, thoughtchain in effect
who won what exactly?
guy next door died from o.d. , home for the week-end from rehab center, whats the first thing addicts do?
ofcourse
don't find out until that evening, next day at the cops, ofcourse i'm suspect, the whole block was filled with shady of the slim and other kind
interrogation, stay the night, sick, withdrawal kicking in
judge in front of me
questions, tell story, wasnt there (i wasnt i was getting more shit in gotham city
they found him in a park somewhere, some meds scattered around, stone fucking dead, the five there just carried him down the stairs, no one saw ofcourse, everyone minds business in that zone, put him in a car, dropped him off, not knowing if he was still alive or not ... then drove all the way seaside for a cocktail party ... reality tv huh? dont make me la ugh
nice detail : the nearest hospital was just as far ... just had to make a right turn i.o. left
maybe if he felt welcome with his family, the block wouldnt have been his first stop that day, we'll never know will we, as addicts go the guy was pretty straight, off the needle for a long, long time so someone must have convinced him that day ... they say he already had a lot of meds in his blood as well, dunno, i'm not allowed to see those papers
anyway, judge in front of me, explain, cant say too much, no ratting
okay sir, i believe you
(whew, cold turkey coming on, need to get out of here)
you can go, but with conditions
Yes sir, thank you sir. (need to get out, need to get out)
cops drop me off at trainstation, have courtesy of buying oneway ticket home ... money confiscated, broke as fuck
back at the block, sick to death, crash at neighbours place, part-time prostitute already did some time for selling green, doped on speed an tranqs
(story was her 14y old son took her stash and went selling it for party time ... her blame ofcourse ... slam dunk)
crash on the couch, sorry man cant help you but i got some speed left maybe that'l help
sure ... snort ... whew
little better, wears off quickly, sick to death
okay fine, i'll drive you there
okay sure, four hours later, back in business, turkey slaughtered, don't give a fuck
and then on and on ... not paying rent... don't give a fuck...get shit, sell it, smoke it, get more, sell more, need it or will die
no address, no passport, no bank card, no registration, no state allowance, just street life and hide at psycho gangster girls place
walk the street, pack of cigarettes, all rolled in molten cooked up liquid coke ... don't give a fuck
cop in front of me, cut line on cellphone snort it up behind his back, fucker don't see shit
don't give fuck
months and months later in rat city
hi speed chase with the law, stupid motherfucking junkie driving just HAD to stick that needle on the road ... got paranoid flipped out the sight of a cop car
stopped at edge of city, cop blockace, riot-guns and automatics
no escape...
megaphone : get out of car , lie down !
get down on the asphalt in the pouring rain, shotgun up your neck, cop turns head with boot ... ow, we were looking for you
yea, for months in a shitty litlle city
i don't think you're going home tonight son
yea... just shut up, still rushing from that quality colombian, riotguns not good for nerves
months and months after, get out ... still craving, addicted to meds now as well
need to get of by myself
did
situation changed? nope ... more dealers, just as many junkies
i never cut up shit, never gave 0.9 grams, never sold shit i didnt do myself
guy next door buys shit from me, cuts it up with whatever poison he can find, sells half to entertain habit
result? me in jail for his shit, friend dead ... i'm the son of satan now
result? fucker back in jail ... another one died next to him i hear
result? i can pay for his part as well ... since he got nothing and i tried to live the worker way
now who won what exactly?
that's probably why it's not used for medication anymore, habituate too fast
if my info was correct it was originally used as med to keep the looneys peaceful
if ...
might be just a thought ofcourse, the wellspring's never clear about exactly what it means
i still keep the official release form as a reminder that re-habilitation is nothing but a word in statistic legal proof
SCREENSHOT
re-habilitation ... if i learned one thing, even if those things that happen only make up for a very small part of my life, it's that its just an illusion presented to keep the peaseans quiet through the feeding tube. If i'd know what i know now this day, i'd probably have just re-started right away instead trying to do 'the right thing' ... must have been the meds leading me to believe that there's such a thing as 'the right thing'
if you ever get forced into breaking their paper laws because of poverty or circumstances, i think, unless you have a rich family or something, it's better to just stick to the dark side since the light side is nothing but shyte
the combined sentence was about 27 months, pro-deo lawyer got 12 months off ... eternal gratitude for that ... since it was my first incarceration that means here you get to do 1/3 if you behave in there. Which i did ofcourse, not much you can do against an army of prison guards. Saw them storm a cell once, more like heard (you get out for max two hours a day here, walk on the courtyard, lock back up, feed in cell, shit in cell, sleep in cell, repeat)...so that came down to six months? not that long? why don't you try it then
like anything else here, this is not for boasting, it's for truth and self-defense and mostly for keeping my head from exploding from everything i've been writing on the inside of my skull
i'll take the blame for shit i did, i'll never accept the penalties for shit i didn't.
futile or not, doesnt matter, my life is dead as is
i'll take nothing over a-size, gravity's a bitch
genetics is definitely not a lie, genes and dna are, it does not hold the position of every cell and capillary in you but, they're decisive factors but like Provost Zakharov raps in smac :"they merely describe the underlying fractal patterns which create them"
i don't believe in the sociopath-gene. Sure some people will be more prone to some types of conduct because chemical im- and balances in the brain, but what in the end makes them do the things they do is way more complex than that, environment
Darwin has this split up for it in his evolution theory, i forgot the terms ofcourse i'll have to look 'em up
sec, see if i can find it
mweh, dont feel like re-reading the whole thing, it goes a little like there's herediary traits that come from genes, and then there's the adaptation to the environment, both decide how well a species flourishes
or not
the exact words escape me but that's the general idea
here we go:
Adaptation: Evolutionary vs. Phenotypic
in not so short ... i sawre it first doing an online multiple choice test on the site of open university holland (netherlands ... what do these people prefer to be called?)
's a bit like that theory where they measure peoples heads to describe and analyze their character. I'm like sure mate you can read a lot by the lines on peoples faces but it doesn't tell you who they are.
now what was that theory called again...
dang ... organizing brain in favour of insight over terminology has advantages but not for fast explaining among peers i guess
it's called phrenology apparently, i know the nazi's were pretty fond of it but here's another thing school history books forget to mention, the victor writes history after all : that theory was pretty much spread worldwide in those days.
circumstances in poverty-stricken germany being kept down by the forces that smacked it back into place in world war one however lead to the possibility of a demagogue, backed by the men who really had the power, rising.
honestly, the way things is going right now ... people screaming for change, i fear someting like this is a possibility to be reckoned with
education the only means of defense ... why it would make sense some rising politicians just speak out in public saying they will cut back on it
reasons to hate belgium ... government of popstars who cant even sing
guess they thought like well, if they can afford a cellphone there's money to extort, let's have a banquet and postpone the rest till tomorrow
=fail
now there's something i'd put up on my wall as well if i had that pot of gold yet, not much of a van gogh man i'm afraid
as if i didnt have enough reasons to not want to be here
well, that was interesting for about two minutes
stay focused, concentrate on leaving hellhole ... don't listen to the local hobbit-politics ...
make it through the night, the day will burn again ...
long way to go still, still no excuse for what's happening in the states right now
not because someplace else is worse your place is good
nuff said don't even wanna read it, i'm all for the prime directive
chairman sh0 say : the people will revolt when it's ready to revolt, if they don't ... they got a problem
the wellspring informs me i have to ruin my synoptic style by adding "when they need to"
that's like explaining a joke ... ruined now :(
knee wants headbutting contest, shut up knee, my head's been proven to resist 4 to 15 guys at once so dont tempt me
funny, cops never showed up when my ass got kicked, not a single one in sight then ... when i got mad frustrated on some idjit dick or retalliate in self defense they pop up out of nothing. Fuck 'em, right-wing legalized maffia.
shut up knee, i'll take you to a doctor next week if you insist on bugging me but not now
found the quote : "Flesh is transitory, flesh is a prison, flesh is .. an instrument. Flesh can be replaced. And flesh does as it's told. Or they will become most annoyed." —Mr. Morden
babylon 5, best sci-fi series ever
should i shut up and hide scared about the cops and judges who fucked me over? the government that twisted my life into nothing every time i tried?
shut up about the americans acting like they own the world? shut up about muslim fundamentalists burning down a place over one stupid cartoon?
shut up about having to pay for something i didnt do to someones son they hardly ever saw anymore?
his delusional brother cost me a job, blabbing behind my back that i was making signs i was gonna kill him, who's gonna pay me for that damage then?
nope, if i do that, just sit here and act like everything is fine while what i was doing would have brought me somewhere else, and now i'm talking AFTER i got out again
nope, if i do that, just accept it then i am already dead
sit scared they gonna lock me up again for shaming them and kill me in jail as if i was some patrick hamers-class gangster who knows too much?
what's the point, owe me eight years, i want them back
only six since i got out yea, it's called compound interest, the same thing they slapped on me with the fines
nope, no can do, my life is dead as is, if it werent for my mini tigers i'd long since gone berserk, hans van temse style or something, i hope that doesnt happen
it's not the only one who flipped so far
the only way is up and out of here
life, maybe love for a human again? hmm, can i still manage? how can i know, no one here to try it on
till my last dying breath if i have to
my grandmother, gods bless her soul, once told me one of my overafter great grandfathers distant was a baron who spent all his dough on booze and party, women and gambling included, in the end he even sold his title
true or not? how can i know ? if there was something to be gained i might look into it ... but just a title doesnt really interest me, although baron le Shnull has a nice ring to it. Don't know why she would lie about it either, maybe to invoke some pride or something. Doesn't matter.
if so maybe there is a party gene and lust for life got passed down that way
or maybe it's noblesse oblige, obliging me to speak
or maybe it's just me, and the consequences of your world inflicted
well no that's not true, half the scum of half the european scum got deported ... that became Australia ...
yea what? that's history mate, people who couldn't cut it here went off to the promised land, Van Diemens land was a penal colony as far as i know
who said 'scum' is a bad word? you and your fourletter words tsk
scum, the rabble that has no chance of life
history repeating, ghetto's all over again, all over the world
the problem, fellow terrans here and now is : there are no more continents to move to, you've been breeding too much
i guess the only way is up ... wonder why with all the autoritarian going on no one has come up with a mining colony on the moon or something
that late again, try stay up till bakerman, get yummie?
gonna get fat this way, its not ideal as is ... no use working it off with a sore knee, no woman to help me burn faster inside and out
dammit ...
maybe the fact that some other dumb kid got himself o.d.'d with another guy from work there had also something to do with kicking everyone out with a criminal record, as if all those other people had something to do with, stupid fuckind dutch manager blabla the rep of the place and all that shit
what matters to me is the rep i get when people blab behind my back that i'm gonna kill them, and that that happened i got no doubts about, delusional motherfucker, too shitfaced to speak to my face, i hope he chokes on the money he gets for his dead brother who didnt even want to see him that day
stupid motherfucker
let it go you say?
fat chance
one thing's for sure, those ten years of sunday nationalism didnt make me a whining panzy ... still all lost time xept a good peek into one of two dominating sides
walking 40 km switching a backpack with the other guys full of tin and foodstuffs ... not really my idea of fun but very Nietschze
good times (insert sarcastic smiley for numbnuts here)
knee or not, that fresh croissant and chocolate bun more or less balances the pain
little ball of fluff comforting sound kawaii melt a little bit
daylight makes the void more visible, bed dont look enticing
sleep the sleep of dead to wake up to another day with no future in sight
good times
this is my life
or rather the consequences of your world
halflife
still no cd in the mail, an omen? 2012 starts with the world ripping me off?
again
will take it back
must
compound interest, most powerful force in the universe huh
bloodmoney
dag visserke vis ... gimme your money and shuy up before i kick your sorry ass into that pond dag bloemploemploem, you stink, like everything about this shithole country
where's my fucking cd? where's the money, where's the fucking
how come i sit here and not where i worked for?
anyone got answers ?
nope?
if i can wait the world can wait
did i dream that?
never mind, what they reap is what they sow ... not my problem anymore, got life to balance, stay focused, hold the line
six shots of heave caffeine, wipe the fog from my mind, blast exhaustion with decibels
hmz... no bottled water, no skimmed milk ..., need coffee pads .... bet there's plenty of expensive meat in the house tho ... priorities? mine are irrelevant ofcourse, it's the lifelong indoctrinated that count, bet there's not even thinking about it unless for the first hour after i act up about it. Tired of acting up about it ... need get kittie snack anyway ....
yea bottled water, call me paranoid or whatever makes you happy, i dont like the taste of tapwater here, besided, i havent had it tested ... not for prozac but for whatever, so its boiled for coffee and cooking only for me yea
can't stop us now?
twill end in some kind of destruction the way this goes, that's for sure
need to get snack for bastet's children anyway ... make haste ... rush hour near
girl behind the counter, result of belgian hobbit-ism?
tall, about my height, skinny, towering legs, pretty face, nothing saggy anywhere, everything in the right place, long hair, healthy blush ... could have tried for modelling ...
say tried ofcourse, there's little success available in the land of no-portunity
but she's working the counter ... decent, honest work, nothing about that, the thing is probably never even thought about trying.
it's what this place does to you, everything is so small, people just keep thinking small, darwinisms a plenty 7
from birth fed with guilt, and why bother/whatchu gonna do about it ... shithole of a country
not saying she should, saying it's a sad example of how people never take chances they are given because of fatalism, and this place is the definition of that, ever since the romans fucked us over
at least we got an honourable mention then
rather destroy the whole fucking place than having to stay stuck here for the rest of my fucking life
girl behind me at the counter, teenie right out of the spots? another tall and skinny one ... would do her really definitely, dont care about that shit as long as its mutual
but hmm, no matter who or what, no matter what for, if no one opens up to me how am i supposed to act or react and what's more ... if my one wish is to leave this shithole behind, where does that leave possibility of classic relationship with a local hobbit girl then ?
that's right
but hey, skimmed milk in the place, my prayers been answered
now ... where's the money, where's the fucking
life?
where's at least one answer to all the other questions ? they won't just go away, can't, wouldnt let them if they tried
look for the answer on the back of a milk brick ... nothing there but additives?
dang ....
get in some decibel therapy before the graveyard silence kick's me back into the half-life rythm
go all out in a padded room, hang up pictures of your worst enemies, shoot at them, tear at them with kitchen knifes, release all the rage let the beast out the cage
when i was in that place (not jail, the voluntary one) they never let me kick the boxing bag for too long or didnt let me near it at all
according to the manual it encourages aggression so i'm told ... do i look like a fucking hippie?
but hell, even if it was the best relief i got there until sexlife came along, what i feel don't matter right, the manuals is always right, just suppress the emotions with medication and ignore the source of it ... western medicine ...
chairman paracelcus say : burn books, do your own fucking research
of all the things i know for sure, this i know for sure : someone did it
maybe not the same someone for everything, definitely at least one someone for anything
if i just keep killing demons, eventually one of the is gonna tell me where crowley is, right Dean?
take a walk before knee starts acting up again, was better when i rose from the grave ... start to feel it again now, gonna have to take that doctor visit anyway brpff ...
neko-chan njan njan,
healthy science plan
spoil them too much? how could i ever spoil them too much
right now they're the only thing in my life i actually chose for
xept the tome but no certainty there yet, land of noportunity can still interfere and fuck it up
so if i chose of own volition, they are my responsibility, for now and ever after
and they're not a burden, need them like i need air
they're my emotion packed in fur, i wonder if i got any others left if this keeps up
we'll see
or not
seven mile walk, or was it eight? knee says no ... better than slamming my head into the walls left to right and see what cracks first
move on, legs on automatic, learned that long ago
come home feeding time on table gobble it up crawl back into cage, shiva and ganesha unconditional as always glad to see me
light a candle for their all-mother
make that two, there's only two left after all
walked by rat city crime scene, was close anyway
ghosts still linger there, i hear more people died after that day there, probably a few before that? maybe the place is built on a hellgate where the demons spawn into this world
mystic symbolism, no science but faster to explain and it just sounds better
few houses further ... the vet where i had to put one of them to sleep because some fucker didnt keep his dog in check, he can count himself lucky i was doped up all the time and they held me back at the moment
few buildings further, the temple of submission ... where it got decreed my life had to go down the drain
good times all the way that road
try to remember something good about the city other than the partytime, the carelesness and money
and i could
the local saint, goes by the name Kamiel Sergeant, once helped me out big time where none of the officials or instances would. Eternal gratitude for that. He's a different breed ofcourse, people's hero, helps out the ones in need wherever he can. Has this organization to help out the most poor, get them necessary food and sometimes clothes for free. Guy with a heart in the right place and more soul than a thousand normals combined.
told me his life story, very motivational speech on never giving up, it somewhat became his famous 'battle cry' (for lack of better english...
much respect is due, i wonder if he's still alive, if not we will dearly miss his presence.
talking about the last bit lie here i start to smell onion ...
now, the nickname of those people in that city is in fact 'onions' roughly translated, probably a long story behind that somewhere
go check downstairs, something cooking in the kitchen?
whew, for a moment there i feared i was trapped under some self-fulfilling spell ... brain works in mysterious ways
father downstairs preparing koe lau yok, one of my favourites in fact, never made it til i hinted with the recipe ... wish i could appreciate it like i should but can't half-life in the way
let's watch the news tomorrow then, i wonder ...
the american SOaPA seems to have started quite the avalanche. Some of it will be counter from government and companies i suppose, some of it scams, but the resistance seems to be there, anonymous as always
every time authority crosses the line too much for too long since the dawn of history? Dunno, but at least since the french revolution i guess. Resistance always faceless, it can not afford to be seen. Ask Julian Assange who had his ego block the plot or so it seems. Not that i think his arrest was all that valid based on some rape charge because he didnt use a condom??? That's like having no charges and making some.
Silent heroes, beware the ones looking for glory
Officials ego also blocking the plot into mexican standoff, no room for dialogue? i thought that was the hippie way?
operation facebook blackout ... don't know if it's genuine, don't follow them on twitter or anywhere, don't even have no twitter anymore
sounds like a plan tho, harmless, bit of posts lost at best but still a sign that someone somewhere totally disagrees
what strikes me when reading reactions on youtube is how very little most people understand about like anything today ... the whole world runs on networks and computers, some seem to think that denial of service is like bombing facebookland into oblivion
might i cast a vote for increased funding for education then? Cyberwar seems to be the up and coming hammer on civil liberties ... so why don't you educate your kids on the matter then instead of blocking everything and keeping them in the dark?
not getting in the middle of this, but opinion voices, i can't help that
i doubt the fbi will come a knockin at my door for now, but the way its going us of a is growing into something dangerous, feel sad for the people trapped unable to react, feel not for the ones who don't care
free speech was meant to be free for all, how can anyone grow up in a nanny state?
the outright threat from the electricity company might have had something to do with it as well
a campaign, wonder how much it costs... some questions will be published in another campaign, wonder how much that costs ... i'm gonna take a wild guess here and just say i think there wont be too much questions in it making them look bad
nothing new around the world i spowze
as they stay of my back instead of trying to push me down again, i'm just about gaining some momentum, slingshot round the moon hopefully ending out of here ... barring a miracle twill still take years as is
SCREENSHOT
the question i asked goes : how long does it take for nuclear wasteproduct to degrade into harmless matter and where is it stored in the meantime
the place is about 200 miles wide left to right, and full of roads everywhere so there's not too many places they could store it without danger to the population, i suppose they move it out of the country (i hope they don't just bury it like wow, let the next generation worry when it starts to leak ...)
browse
informatics teacher part time ... hmz .. how could i teach anyone anything about informatics huh, i dont have a paper that says i can ... scratch that
watching kids after school ... read read ... wopps, criminal record (cant get rid of it til everythings paid off) ... scratch that
sell frozen food ... 22 hrs in 4 days, compatible with tomes of intelligence +1 ... hm, cant have physical complaints? would that count as breach of contract then? scratch that till knee gets better then i suppose
more schoolwork ... 9 hours a week but bachelor needed ? lulz ... not that i would fit in there i think i know that place
bookkeeping? boooooring ... don't even know the rules but i can manage my own books pretty well, see this comes in, that goes out the difference is profit or loss ... hmz not even if i had the papers to do that
selling make-up, jools ... tupperware parties ... don't think that's mah style really ...
night nurse ... no papers ... scratch that
part-time salesman ? euh ... need car, nope ... i wouldnt wear a tie for anything less than 2k a month anyway, IF at all ...
selling houses .... driving bussess ... independent shit, cant do because of silly laws and all that, not even if my lawyer were to oversee it
nope
cleaning ... sure why not, let's try one
like twas a lot more fun when i had money to just walk into a store put the new shirt on, put the old one in a bag and just walk out instead of washing it hmz...
nothing has not been proven
everything has not been seen
nowhere could be anywhere
one more round oblivion
we'll see
did they 'hack' facebook yet or was it a scam indeed?
little teaparty downstairs ... keep decibels in check ... polite and all that shit ... people didnt do me anything wrnog ever anyway
so ... turn the new cd into mp3s i already had or not? ... try before you buy? yea, i think that should be law not vice versa
requires a minimum of intellectual integrity ofcourse, ... something neither the liches nor the zombies seem to have in abundance
that's where it all started to go wrong, too many giving in
lemme let you in on a secret ... if they lock everyone up, or fine everyone into oblivion, they have no slaves left ... it's gotta stop somewhere and it's gotta stop somehow and me? my life is dead as is, as is i have nothing to look forward to except what little revenge i can get so fuck them, fuck you for being sacks of shit, and fuck everything else for just possibly being or having been in my way
but that's not part of RE-habilitation i guess
someone's hide will need missing pieces, one for all the scars i got
not inclined to buy shit from retards treating me like that
see, if we get rid of the zombies it's pretty simple : someone gets sued over some stupid claim like that mom who downloaded what like 20 or 30 mp3s and gets fined like millions? they must have an experimental calculator there
but its pretty simple, someone gets sued and convicted like that? news gets spread ... no one buys those fucking cd's or dvd's anymore. Period, end of story until they make a law forcing you to buy, i'd like to see that happen
anything else, you deserve what you get, problem is i and many others are stuck in zombieland so what you do affects us as well, or rather what you don't
stephen hawking seventy, defies al medical logic ... goes to show what willpower is ... still, if i did have a theory on everything, i wouldnt share it with a world who fucked up mine anyway, and i think his sacrifice for all that smart is just too much, i myself would prefer a little less brain towards a little more mobility ... still, gotta give it to the man ... he's unique
i think i had about 150 cd's and dont know how many dvd's before they hauled me off ... most of them bought before they drained my life and made it fubar ... so they don't get any excuses, discrediting does not change what happened to me and if you think i lie, you are pls to say it to my face, like i said, i could use the exercise
:) haha, smile, smille, keep on smiling
foogle analysis never ceases to amaze me, if they're not bombing me with dating sites which i never visit since i already explained my theory on women who put themselves up for sale there ... now they're selling me baby clothes?
how the hell does my surfing behaviour lead to baby clothes?
i tried that once, the bitch aborted, don't know what i was thinking anyway, would have accepted everything since it was MY CHOICE but will never, ever , ever do it again, nor will i get into relationships with single moms longer than a one night fling since i dont do second hand genes
nnnneeeh
self fulfilling prophecy is more or less a scientific term indeed, i dont think anyone has actually seen it either, its a theory that sounds good so there's willing to believe huh
meanwhile the united states of stupid are sueing people over a copied dvd
impressive shit yea ... and you can just grow it where it's a little more difficult to breed silicon i think
yea, tolkien didnt get the nobel prize because the elves pointy ears blinded the analogies and metaphores in the eyes of the fossils of his time?
silmaril is way beyond me, it DOES read like a history book, to me it's a bit boring, contrary to the main tome which i read at the age of eight first time
so what did you do this morning when you woke up? watch pokemon ? why are you blabbing about me then?
gid off mah laend
fuck off :)
surfing time with the master of light he says? chuckles
woops, ego , have to slap it silly :p
no, don't need girls and women for being smart with. Need at least one for belonging, completion and sticking dick in...
what with the women again, yea it's the biggest part of me that's missing
see, the part whever interests overlap is called belonging (together), the part where they don't is called completing (eachother) and i think the sticking dick in is called sex (are three-letter words evil as well?)
the part where not compatible with pets i have, treating own pets like plush toys, or listening to justin bieber is called over the limit of what i can bear
it's all not that difficult or hard me thinks
my council consists of dead people since no one alive seems to be able to walk in their shadows
umh ... out of candles ... need burnt offerings for lack of virgin sacrifice (i think the only virgins round here would be 90 year old nuns really)
no more tealights on the shelves, supermarket guy found me his last pack
great people, still down to earth even if they could probably buy half the town by now ... working dusk till dawn in their own store doing the same shit their employees do ... something out of nothing, never look down, my kind of people
supergirl behind the counter friendly as always
probably the biggest non-foreign owned store we got here
come home feeding time, chinese food ... excellent, too bad i cant appreciate good food these days, its all just feeding time
do dishes, not much work anyway
dutch guy singing about how he has to write the testament of his youth since he can't talk to the cat anymore ... sorry for him, i still can so i guess it's way not time for me to leave my inner child behind. If i ever lose it will i turn into one of the living dead as well?
shiva-chan needs petting time ... gladly oblige ... lay down a bit
check later if that cleaning shit responded ... think they'd put me up against the temple of submission again if i don't comply ? Even if everyone who quit the same job before me is still not working either?
hmm, well, if anyone feels like trying, i triple-dare you motherfucker. Anyone fucking up my life while i'm busy getting back on my feet
again
no thanks to them, without resorting to armed robbery straight away, anyone who tries is going down with me, i'll swear to thatreaturrdnation ... few years ago these hippiecrites were shouting out for police protection. No one seemed to get the fact that not everyone just sits there like a bitch if you take away their lives because rules and necessary adaptation to statistics requires it in the eye of sauron
not too long ago some flippo threw some hand-grenades in a public place ... disgruntled ... one of our smarter overlords had the great idea of making hand-grenades illegal after that ... like wtf? you think you buy these in the grocery store? next to the frozen foods sir, second on your right, detonators and c4 on your left
right ... typical western medicine in everything, don't take away the cause, just supress the symptoms and you're good to slave another round
time for some horizontal bigscreentime (for which i worked my ass off as well, clean streets below zero, clean out garbage cans, fill sandbags and distribute them on the back of a truck in the pouring rain ... sometimes ppl thin the towns employees are like all drink & nothing 24/7 ... well who was there when your expensive furniture was about to flood then? your ministers? your king? nope, them (and at that time me)
man, this broken dam was hiding more than one ocean it seems
wonder how many poison is still left in the reservoir, for now it seems endless
where neat means neat, niet means not in dutch and neet meens some kind of unemployed otake not even trying as far as my manganese can decipher it
all three sound like neat
neat...
the cage could use a little re-organization
meh, not now indeed
better than dead people i suppose
but i don't
this ain't living
i will never accept it,
i can't, not anymore
well ...
actually they slapped on another 40 days when i was halfway, like here you go motherfucker, we like you just about THIS much, lasciate ogni esperanza and all that shit
there is no happy,
there is no happy here but what walks on four legs
xept the dog, feel sorry for that mutt for being born but that's about it
apart from that and a little more
officially, barring some miracle i'm still stuck in this for three years, after which a judge decides if whatever money i havent spent will go to me and my lawyer OR if they just confiscate that as well
it's not just very motivational this way, including everything else it's something i can not make myself do anymore, not after having tried twice to the point where there was hope in sight and everything started to go just to be fucked up at that very moment
NOT
the no future in this place bit is not an exaggeration
the shadows and the ghost here never go away, and they won't, even if this bullshit is all over, there can be no trust, and no feeling of safety
there is no possible happy here
but hope, that's too scary since hope brings only disappointment, and plans? plans get thwarted, no use having one
i guess we'll see
or not
for now, caged animal trying not to go crazy? sometimes feels like that, most of the time feels like that
nothing to do but keep standing, watch out carefully not to become a suppressed symptom
NEED to get out of here, there is no other option
maybe there are, but those are unthinkable
only two left of those
three more years to let the hatred and the poison fester and bubble, all for them, and more for them since they just didnt let me solve it afterwards my way, more and more, its exponential, it seems to grow faster lately ... 2012 vibe?
what will i have become by then? will there be anything left of me or will i be some sociopath? a terrorist with nothing on his mind but destruction, long forgotten what the fight was about?
a demon of pure unadulterated undiluted hatred, for them, some of them i dont even know the face of, how does that work then?
that scares me the most
i now understand why
i havent been free since i came out
rehabilitation? suppression more likely
what would i do? no idea, an eye for an eye right ... he has a wife and kids? woaw , does he ask that to the people whose life he treats like numbers in the statistics board? he sure as fuck didnt ask me
let's hope it doesn't come to that
EVER again
don't feel good, that's for sure
now ain't that positive thinkin'
interest, that's why you owe me eight years by now, not six
hahaha ha haaaa
i think i see the gotham joker winking
motivational speech
but what's life worth after 40 anyway? only goes down from there
no longer counts ofcourse since the deal was broken from one side, it's therefor nil and void
the living years lost, so guess i have to catch them up ... double, since after that it only counts for half from what i see
day dawning?
no don't miss her, don't miss anyone, done is done
never been able to stick with women my age or older .... they're so ... old? mentally ?
unless i was stoned all the time or they were complete nympho's ... hmz ... *ponder* nothing lasted there anyway, had to chase them off
been with an older woman for a few months once ... she bought like weed from her 18 y.o. son, fed me xtc in the morning ... coke in the evening ... fucking like rabbits in between ... went bad ofcourse, not a very healthy base for a relationship
gotta find something positive soon ... not the fluffy rosy kind but real
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it must has
gonna stuff myself with a chocolate bun ... getting a bad habit ... fat habit if it keeps up
...
reasons to hate belgium and a lot of its hobbits?
how many would you like? So, did anyone 'forget' to tell me anything still about why i should not bother holding the line here ? I don't think i will react that well if i have to find out at the point of no return again.
time after time after time again, i think this is a distinct part of why people go crazy
the silence of the sheep, Clarice
the silence of the sheeple
in this case i'm inclined the storecountergirl didnt just 'forget' to tell me ... in this case i'm inclined she doesnt know shit what she's talking about ... after all, in sales, you don't need to know your product, you need to make the client feel he's dumb and doesnt know anything about it so he buys your shit , literally
i'm seriously gonna have to try this, could save a few tens of euros since i already have 2 xbox sized (yea, xbox accepts only a certain size of hd, and i'm not talking physical dimensions) drives here
nah, cleaning floors ofcourse, nothing wront with that, not like i'm capable of anything else but sweeping floors and cleaning garhage cans
paper-land
someone did something, someone knows something
until i get at least one satisfactory answer i will trust nobody since everybody could be it
eenie meenie miny moe
catch a redneck by its toe ...
i don't ... maybe you need some therapy ok ...
guy on slashdot don't get the relevance of my reply to his post ... sorry dude, probably just clicked the first one to invoke reaction and poured out thought, no meant to offend, wouldn't dream of doing that in one of the last ad-free temples of non terrorist free speech, even in the post commander Taco era, wonder if he streightened his need of change out yet and got his new projects on track ... closed down my G+ so don't have sight on it, most interesting guy indeed
everyone speeding, shops closing down, hurry hurry stress stress, must hurry to get a few hours plugged in to the feeding tube. To tired from doing something you have to so you can't do anything for yourself after work, i often wonder?
must pay for that brick cage, must pay for that one two or three cars ... kids, insurance, must save for old age ... must must must, its the way it is why even think about something else, fatalism ? Don't do like the other's don't do ... standing out gets you marked, safety of the group in anonimity is easy, don't think, thinking ends in hurt, once your eyes open its hard to close them again, question makes it difficult
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
colour this from own inside of brain however you want ... this is pure elementals of psychology
it is, ask your local shrink, group behaviour and shit like that
elementary my dear watson
don't get me started on dynamics, my dynamics are rusty but i can see there is serious lack of cohesion in western culture
guess that's why the 'invaders' are so scary, they tend to their own, there's more cohesion, it makes them stronger
thoughts, thoughts, so many thoughts...
is thought the only thing faster than light in einsteins universe? how could you possibly measure that ... i'd ask galileo but i'm out of seance prana
wether they're faster or not, one thought holds more information than any one photon, that's for sure
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
come home, little shiva on top of the shelf ... looking down upon the world of men ... what are these stressy idjits on about ... blinks eyes (sign of friendly among cats, in fact some sign of friendly among humans, in western culture at least, dont know if it means the same all over the world, if it does it might have biological roots
soft and silent moment ...
work, work work, yea work
even if you had the ultimate integrity intellectual anarchy in place, the only true form of democracy, no government that always gets corrupted because of the power needed since everyone knows the limits of society, respects the others circles and sticks to it, because it's the only livable way?
would require a healthy world ofcourse, and probably a few thousand more years of evolution, if it ever gets that far before pollution or some nasty freak accident or war destroys it all, bye bye Gaea, only known bluegreen planet this side of the universe, sorry girl, we couldnt keep ourselves in check
IF you had that, work would still be there, one person or collective does what they do best, others do what they do best, trade skill for skill in a world without money, you can't do everything yourself, life's too short for that
intellectual integrity ... hmm, even if you had clinical immortality, true statistic says the chance you die from accidents anyway increases with time
you would need a world of supermen for that, the marvel kind ... (for immortality i mean, or maybe a state of incorporeal being ... still, energy can get transformed and be consumed, nothing ever really gets destroyed, the information changes from state to state, water to air, woord to air and smaller bits ... nothing ever gets destroyed
elementary particle physics my dear watson, ask your local hawking
altho he might disagree with the hawking radiaton and the black holes and all that, but no one can exactly prove it, only do the possible maths, black holes are a bit of a force to be reckoned with, you don't just shoot some mars rover at them to go check
getting off track here ... what was i on about hemmmm .....
ah the work yea ... the local businesses i just saw got me thinking that way, at the risk of sounding like Marx whos -isms are getting a bit old i dare say these people are the true backbone of society, not the megacorporations, not the governments
skills exchange for skills
in a monetary system, automatisation in the end leads only to decline if the population keeps increasing, it wont work without strict birth control
one machine replaces what, 20? 50? 100? humans? they get sacked, need to get new ways to get money ... the next place installs two machines ... 200 people need to get new ways to get money ... in the end 2 billion people (more like) are left without enough money to buy what the machines produce ... but they're still breeding ... sales go down, economy as it is, 50 years of lies in schools, unwilling to admit it since it means their whole life was spent living lies
machines produce gets left in stock, those 2 billion couldnt buy it since they have nothing to produce to sell ... more get laid off, have to save its downward economy ... cost of doing business
now you have three billion with not enough ... but they are still breeding
do i really need to draw the circle around this? it's not it's a spiral ... anyone who ignores this is not thinking, definitely not about 50 years from now, i hope people like this never have kids, what kind of world do they envision for them?
there's also no possibility of unlimited expansion in a limited space with limited resources ... it is simply not possible ...,morganic attitude, chew and eat our fill, yes, ceo morgan from the game was definitely based on the late JP
even if you had 100 percent clean and endlessly self-renewable energy that doesn't eat the planet you live on, even then ... even if you could synthesisze matter from particles and atoms in whatever you want
even then
space is limited
more thoughts you best dont say in public at the risk of being attacked with a straightjacket
how many particles does the earth hold, and how many humans would it take before all of those are transformed into humans? Do we get input from new matter from somewhere? last time i heard they drilled a hole in the atmosphere and life was seeping out, not in
the consequences of no feeding tube, i can see why some people say i need something to keep me occupied, what they really mean is i need something to keep me from thinking thoughts that disintegrate the fabric of their reality since they can't handle the absolute truth
this is goin nowhere, and if you have kids, you're definitely doing it wrong, this way, the chance at future declines exponentially
shrugging and not caring does not make it go away, not thinking about it and ignoring does not make it go away
not as in
not
and also, you're breathing my air , and destroying my world while you're at it ... i can't just not smear it in your face
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
mh, no response from the cleaning job yet meh well ... there has to be something somewhere that fits my life, not like i want to just sit here, need the money anyways however little ... if not, it can only go one way, like it went the last time, no money no life, the consequences of your world so don't try to deny it to me
think i should look up the mood, i think it's like dead world/new world, but i might be wrong
eh, form won't post, stasi deemed me dangerous or isp can't keep up anything but the expensive bills again for their lightningfast internet?
fine, open filezilla, download the page, insert post here, upload check
woops five characters missing, re-check
this is my life that got ruined because of your fucking short-sightedness
it has to get out, it already is, if someone gets shamed, i think the americans call it self-defense, if any civilian was in the way, i think they call that collateral damage
sorry, no can do
paranoid? you're looking, right?
might have a few drinksies next week .... *homerdrool* ... that bottle of japanes whiskey looked curiously enticing but that might just release the inhibitions of the demons just a teeny little bit too much ... your demons huh, your demons, before you were there werent even any
try carefully not to get stuck in -isms, any -ism is a great idea or theory turned into dogma
no priestess' healing powers to get close to, warrior without guidance
cat's try all their best to comfort, as if they feel my moods but there's just that little something missing
bodywarmth, skin sweet dreams nirvana
wake up to that lovely smile ...
try not to think about it
lie down little till the world is dead and gone, the moon and stars my friendly face
one of my favourite book series by David Eddings, the Belgariad has this setting where a group of chosen ones has this power, passed by bloodline ofcourse (that's fantasy genetics for ya) with which they can do anything, as long as their will is strong enough and the speak the right words
there's only one rule : they can not un-do something, nothing can be made to un-exist, nothing can be truly destroyed, that is the power of the gods alone and to do so is a direct insult with severe consequences
fantasy physics ... all elves and sprites of the non commodore kind
one of my hasbeen girlfriends used to, when they both got tipsy, make out with one of her friends ... middle of the bar, sometimes.
guess one of the advantages how few they are of this place is you don't get stoned or hung or dismembered for that kind of ungodly behaviour
dam nympho
i didn't mind, i couldnt share my girl with any other guy, no poking dick inside mah beach unless it's mine, but i don't mind a little fidgeting around with other women, it's actually pretty fucking exciting
tall arian types, not my usual thing, probably a playboy fanatics ultimate dream somewhere
so after having witnessed dick in pants a few times i could not resist and went like hey : how about a threesome why don't you ask her i'm exploding in my pants to see you do that
she went nooo, but i'd like to do it with her tho ...
dam, no luck ... so i go sure but let me watch, i'll jack off all over the couch while you're at it, next best thing
but she didnt want that ... would be too ashamed
so i said nah, if i cant enjoy it its no go
dam dick, see, talking helps most of the time, go or not
not like i made her do anything or even tried to manipulate her into anything
not like i tried to fuck her nympho girlfriend behind her back either, shit don't work that way
i think any healthy non-gay guy who isnt a complete prude would have to ask it in that situation, or regret that he didn't try forever
no harm done
there's two others i asked when i was into a relationship with them
one said we'll see maybe later
the other said no straight away
end of story, not like it's a requirement or anything
your fucking pope used to have a brothel, your own jesus walked with a prostitute for christ sake (do you say for his own sake in this ?) ...
if at the end of this lifecycle, the division between heaven and hell in your head lies within the answer to the question : "did i at least TRY to get as much out of it as i could?" then your answer be dam straight well a wholehearted YES or you will die very unhappy
what making the most out if it is, i think that's something only the person in question can answer, and only when honest to oneself, which is hard enough
i don't NEED promiscuous behaviour i dont even like it, but that one little anecdote i spoke about there doesn't even constitute promiscuous at all for me, it would have been an experience never to forget, among consent, without bothering anyone
i don't know about the muslim prophet stance on this but i know imams are not required to be celibate, like catholic priests who have to endure it to the point of abusing young boys so i'd take a guess and say their main man did not see sex as evil as well
sorry, but i can't think when my dick is talking
some people would call it succes if they died rich, would prefer to spend my last cent on my last day if possible, have no kids and sadly enough siddhartha dictates that i face the fact that my cats will probably not live as long as me. For which i have already shed a tear. I hope, i need them for many more years so if i knew a god i'd pray to it for that and that alone
some people would like to make history, see that as sense of an achieved life
but what there, how many do that? how far does recorded history go back and how many times is it rewritten along the way?
as far as it goes you could say kali, shiva and ganesha, solomon did it from wisdom, if any of them were real humans at all
other than that, to make history and be remembered long enough there's only this : commit serious genocide that makes the earth shake or have it committed in your name
politics do nothing, crisis fails more ... sports ... local celebs no one in the world has ever heard about ... same day same shit in the shire
one lulz : flemish man masturbates average 2.4 times a week ... so, i guess it's proven then, this is a land of frigid bitches
more reasons to get out of here
almost three, the peek of my day, no one to poke, cats lazy dont feel like taking a prowl
poke 53280,0 will make the edge of your screen black
sounds like a dont call us well call you, we'll see, will look for more new in a few days
as promised to
maybe for the better if i have to get that knee checked first ... most employers kind sit like on this throne where you only get to deny them once
sex-addication ... i hear that guy from topgun suffers from it ... as does catherine zeta joneses bangbro (are they still on, i dont do celeb a lot) ...sex addiction, if i had it i would be closer to the red light district i think
to state the great Sapolsky : it all comes down to dopamine
wether its sedation, pep, getting laid or finishing that task you set on, the chemical released in the brain gives you the feeling of reward
ever since i was little here, or is that a false memory?
they do exist
mostly the ones that werent carved into your brain could be, anything's a little coloured i guess
still few hours of dark, winter is the best
wait up for doctor visit or wait another week-end see if my body fixes itself?
hm
someone in the next room has been producing serious decibels all night ... i guess that kind of noise is considered normal amongst these 'humans'. I guess its very human as well. I hear marriages have broken up over that shit. Sad ...
no no no no no, my no is bigger and absolute
three more hours till doctor dont know if i will i hate waiting the guy has serious 'clientele' ... dont feel like standing outside thirty minutes before opening time
i l cie
another day tomorrow more of this and nothing of that, the usual
anime is highly underrated here the thought seeps in ... don't even know if that yu gi oh crap is actually asian? kiddy stuff, not for me to appreciate i guess
pokemon and dragonbal Zzzz feels more like disney ...
my favourite all-time characters would be definitely Alucard on number one, L Lawliet on 2 and then ... Sebastian Michaelis ... Johan Liebert ... Ken from Hokuto no Ken and the hakshaku and womanizing sensei from D.Greyman whos names escape me can be runners up ... dont get to see that on tv ... probably too real and violent, too difficult for kids, and since it's a cartoon it has to be for kids, right?
sad
smoke another cigarette
brush teeth
drop dead in bed ... alone again morpheus here i come take me to places unseen help me work it out a little
crash .....
disperse
don't make me set the hellhounds loose
how could i forget Diva and Saya
still
what's keeping me awake apart from the solo sleep, the forsight of another day stuck here, the knee and the general nothingness of this half-life?
something's in disagreement
good thing there's still places that havent caved in to the american extortionism
choices
dreamless state of nothing becomes symbol of my life, now even sleep brings no relief, no rest, no repairs at all
how many more days before the future this shithole country pushed back one too many times comes in sight again, land ahoy? nope nothing, just more nothing and more nothing
how long am i still stuck in a place that has nothing to offer
will i be able to make it out in one mental piece or just mental?
this is not the life i chose, ... for now the void takes over, selfdefense from self-destruction, not a state of being
poetic? creepy rather, the woman did like to play that cardgame very much...
no king diamond cd yet ? nope .... Them's already here tho
tell someone about the knee in a haze of tired and stupid i guess
o well, here take a a painkiller
belgium ... pop the pill supress the symptoms, walk on, maybe destroy your body but hey you dont feel it, a-ok prozacnation
it took me too long to realize, i've been branded addict for life because of two years of illegal addiction, yes only two, if it was longer i could have probably never recovered shkashhhhh....
more than half the people in this country have been worse than that all their adult life ... addicts ... take the painkiller every day, make this misery go away, but hey, the doctor says its okay so i am not the junkie
reasons to hate belgium? i dont need any more but they keep providing
never has been , how can it be now ? illusions
fucking cd, first pack ever to not arrive, ofcourse right after i told someone i never had a package not arrive
the number 23 ?
try and try not?
should have thought of that eight years ago, six years ago, and probably 30 years ago as well, can't change the past, just deal with it
same for everyone
did i give the impression that i am or do i look like some crucified jew going like forgive them lord they dont know any better?
do i look like you fucked up my life with your ignorance and insensitive negationism, i can't take anymore of that
which one do i look like most?
nothing to dare, stuck here me and them and the whole shitcountry, people with the brain and money never ever stay here
not that i dont like a chunk now and the, the animals were killed anyway
cant help calculating, seven chunks a week, .... that's one xbox game ... that one or two cd's or dvd's ... few drinks, going to a movie ... all things i would enjoy more and longer if the money spent on it was served instead of the dead animal
a theory that doesnt stick in the minds of the living dead, they just repeat what they were doing, forgot whatever it was they did before, maybe the thought of choice never occurred
sad ... but true, and most of all in my life hindrance
no use explaining it again, tried, it dont stick gives system error, reboot and repeat
other than the fact that this kind of political altruism is said to exist no more since years, yes it scares me, definitely don't want to owe anyone anything like that, definitely don't trust anything about it
by the way, i know about four people who quit the same job months before me ... they're still not back at work, why don't i give their numbers huh? i'm sure they dont have any bigger plans than a 40 hour work week, i'm sure they're not completely destroyed by this shithole country and what's more ... i'm sure they're still allowed to vote
if all this fails again ... i guess there's always junkies ... the market never goes away
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
how many times does this need explaining?
my life is dead as is, there is no forcing, yet still i TRY to get one
if you don't have what i need, or you can't answer at least one of my needed questions then don't interfere.
if i need help, i'll ask
you have work? speak, the answer will be yes or no
you have a hidden agenda? open it up, if it can further my goal symbiosis might be possible .. don't treat me like a fucking mule, your probably not wise enough to make that stick without it exploding in your fucking face
whatever it is, don't go behind my back for anything, not even with the best intentions, it never works out
what i need, and the only thing i need, is a ticket out of here for me and my cats ... if not given i will strive to acquire it, get off my dick, collateral damage can be high
not without them, ever again, i owe them my life
meanwhile, while i'm stuck here, what i need, unless forced to do it the outlaw way, since the only inexcusable thing at the end of the road is not having tried anything you could
stuck for three more years, paying for shit i havent done leaving out the shit i did, NOT being forced, there's nothing left to force
what i need, to work through those tomes of intelligence to give me the right to speak in the eyes of hippies who have the necessary paperwork but don't get half of it and just fall into the pitfall routine after a couple of years
what i need, is that part-time job, if it has to stay legal
that part-time to give me time to work them throught, pay for them from my own fucking pocket since it's not on the needed by the state list ... every single fucking cent ... by the time i get through it,
IF
i get through it without some dumb statistic or rule interfering and warping my life back to below zero for the i dont know how manyth time now>IF
, it will have cost me over 14.0000 euros, that's why i NEED the fucking money as long as i'm stuck herethere is no discussion about that, the last discussion stopped over two years ago when i was trying and it all got fucked up close to the finishline again
and this is me being nice and trying to keep it harmless
what i won't do is slave three or five shifts, since that will leave me braindead every day and unable to get through it
that's the deal ... or winning the lottery, since eliminating my family for heritage is still a bit beyond me, i'm not that gotham joker yet
if that's not good enough, come tell me, after you fucked up all the other 100.000 or more unemployed into criminals. After that come talk to me, haul me the fuck back in jail i'll come out a fucking terrorist
this is the edge of my ultimate angelic patience
don't dance with the devil unless you're prepared to end up in hell
not that it makes much difference, once convicted, always first suspect
and in smallville it's too small to hide for anything anyway
well ... now i'm left with no xtc and there's still plenty of guns available anywhere, and they kinda didnt get a dime from it ... their extortionist tactics sometimes dont make sense or are armed gangsters just too dangerous to tax ?
tired after adrenaline ... always does it
coming home after a nightshift slaving staying at my gf instead of going home, she better didnt have no dam headache, needed to work of the work first
weird? or healthy? i dont know any statistics on it
... the money ...
IF things were different, IF i were sure that every cent i earn and dont get in my pockets until limbo's over.
IF that would be guaranteed one hundred percent, signed officially and stamped, with no clause of maybe breaking deal in case
IF i could be sure it won't just get confiscated at the end of the ride
IF
thing's might be different
maybe, maybe not
but they're not
so they're not
i wonder how widespread fn's produce is today ... are they still on or have they been pacified?
seems they're still at it
title="for all your daily needs">BELGIUMS FINEST EXPORT PRODUCT
come to think of it, crisis and all but nothing gets done really
if i were minister of replacing useless ... i would definitely allow the farmers to grow mayor J and sell it, i mean why not, its 100% natural and can be used for more than smoking ... beer is sold on every streetcorner, that doesnt seem to bring the nation down and the effects of ethyl are a bit more harsh than THC, never hear of death by joint actually ... have people in my own family who died of alcohol tho
barring that its good money ... dutch sell it in coffeeshops, i think their economy even runs a little better ... or maybe that's because they don't have to pay 5 or 6 governments for a little over 10kk people
chairman sh0 say : the states biggest cost is the state itself
i don't understand why no one gives it even a thought ... sure, the dutch would feel decline in traffic from france and germany ... but all that cash would be spent here
downward economy, gotta make the bills fit
agriculture's failing anyway atm, and the profit per square meter if the product is good ... i think a little more than growing corn or potatoes
ofcourse, might be possible the americans would come napalm the place, but maybe it's a little protected since the EU buffs gather here a lot
drastic times, drastic measures. I don't even think it's that drastic that shit's been going on around the world sine who knows how long, no modern law in place seems to make it go away and i dont see why it should.
when regulated at least you can get a little quality control in it
but no ... have to stick to the old morals and the ancient ways, right, no new daring solutions, only take more from the poor so the rich dont lose too much if they act up beat them down hmz
i don't see this working, not now, not ever, it's a downward spiral as is
chairman darwin say : he who not adapt will be extinct
some muslims would bitch-slap you for having a beer ... here you get labelled criminal, fined and community service for a few grams of weed, i hear in america that even gets you jailed ... but what's wrong with having a beer, right
culture and tradition, us and them ... dumb all over le Zappa got it right away
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
can't open sweatshops in third world countries ... that's immoral, better to just give them food and money, no control over it so the warlords take it for their private little lynching parties ... morals ... gotta give them food, food you have to buy because the surplus food gets destroyed because the economy is failing
morals ...
don't stick your morals on me, they don't make sense
arians blow your head off for being born with the wrong pigment ... i hear some jamaicans do exactly the same opposite in kingston, never been there tho
morals and traditions
culture ... not very cultured if you ask me
some kind of way to keep the economy going?
i must admit, FN's work is both effective and beautiful ... if i bought one i'd probably go for the fnp-9 , chouette
emptying clips at a firing range does sound like fun tho, not an everyday thing but still, must be nice as a method of release
well, well, learned my country provides the world with guns :-) how bout that
m not a fucking hippie, am not a fucking nazi
guns are there, if they dont make 'em someone else will, maybe ramp up the production in this downward economy? wars aplenty
not that they don't get compensated ... was talking to a tank guy at the last triumph meeting in kever's garden here in town ... one special even a year that is, been all around ... no time for family but the pay did seem to be quite good
still ... if you need to keep an army in a country of 10million people ... why not keep it small and mobile, pinpoint ninja strike force, feared like the mossad instead of buying old second hand crap to equip them with, i feel that's a little disrespectful to send your own people out to keep your prestige up among the big ones
as far as i know belgian military does mostly logistics and peacekeeping anyway
i guess in these times, you have to have a line of defense ready, fanatics are not known for their reasoning skills, no matter what they're fanatic about
but still,
i'd like to see a certain part of the world be a little more careful about invoking hate towards the western world (since i'm still here) ... no knowing what will come out of Iraq in ten or twenty years ... what we do know is what came out of Afghanistan though and what we do know is who was against who there during the cold war and who trained who into what.
just saying ... 9/11 cost a lot of fucking life and for what?
i'd also like to see our local overlords go a little less easy along with it ... if someone drops a serious bomb on brussels ... shockwave might reach all the way here
and my cats don't like shockwaves
maybe it's a bullfight testosterone thing i don't know, i mostly fail to see the reasoning behind it except display of power
if the point is to prevent more attacks or induce fear to prevent hostility it is obviously regally and royally failing
he's a politician and therefor an excellent lyer and has broken as many promises by now probably as any of the others but he did not train the afghan resistance ...
i dunno, when in doubt go for the lesser of two evils?
not current with the situation anyway so i dont think i should speak out about it
but i dont know for sure, and i dont feel like reading lengthy text now
just to make sure there's no misunderstanding : m not taking sides anyhow in anything here, just pondering about it
why does nightfall become me so well ... if the vibe of the living dead creeps up on me at exactly five again i'm gonna start pouring out salt all around the room here
about what? now? yesterday? tomorrow?
silence...
i read the ancient greeks considered it some kind of homicide
maybe that's why drilling other guys was socially accepted ... prevent murder conviction in case you couldnt get to a woman fast enough
whatever, temporary brief solution to a lasting problem
uh?
yea, i've been asked that before.
you see me as someone capable of wearing uniform and accepting orders without question?
that's not my place in life, that would be asking for serious trouble ...
my father even said once join the police and i'm like wut?
i think id make a very bad lieutenant since half the shit they arrest you for i find hardly illegal
other than the fact that this is totally weird and i won't have to resort to salt, warding symbols and exorcism i thought like
talking about the strands of chaos and the wellspring of wisdom, how could i forget to mention Victorique de Blois in my favourite anime characters tsk ... i guess yumekui merry gets an honorable mention as well
but it doesn't change the fact that nothing's changed
you have to pick a camp and stick to it
less bad than usual tho, at least one thing somewhere must have sent me a positive charge through the strands of chaos
house awakens, world will soon follow ... find my coffin quickly
best shut off before i get too magical
uninvited no get in or die pls ... i'm edgy lately, not like there's any shelter here
fucking sunlight blinding me, bitch cant even leave me alone in winter
ohmmmm, nothing ....
there's nothing here ... o right duh i keep forgetting that
city? nah fat chance of having good times there all night with a sore knee like this ... not the type to sit on one stool all night
can't really spare the money either
so ... what'll it be?
nothing for a change
woaw, feeling good already
no drink, three more days as said
drink here? uh ... sure, drink here get nerved that i get aggressive when i drink until i lash ? yea, good times ... graveyard silence at eight
yea
party time
excellent
subways go like rock'n roll queen, yea, could use on of those right now ... no little rock'n roll queens here, barbie girl at best makes mah dick go limp when opens mouth : "math is hard" .... brzz
not even fat rocknroll queens here i think, no rocknroll at all in this part of the shire
no use ofcourse, will only lead to misery, laws like those always do
bummer baby, you been warned
european censorship does ofcourse not exist
not in public
has to be a coincidence i mean who would block newsletter from watchdog sites huh? that's a thing only the chinese and koreans would do, right
y'all been warned not to sign such laws, they are bad for business, ruining peoples lives does not make them pay for your shitty product they wouldnt have bought in the first place, it also does not make them vote
legalists ... if ever there were escapists ...
no can do, no will happen, signing something does not adapt reality to it, try signing gravity into nat making you fall face flat on the fucking floor because you didnt watch where you were walking
fucking hippiecrites
let me tell you what you will get :
you will get more poverty, not less, and i'm not just talking about giving in to the entertainment industry, if i dont have money, i cant buy their overpriced shit, of which i wouldnt buy 99% already anyway
if you get more poverty you will get more crime, the cosa nostra was/is a european phenomenon, no one learned from it
that's what you will get, no amount of clubbing (im not talking the saturday night kind) will make that go away, remember louis kattorze sarkozy ...
that's what you will get in the end
you're fucking it up beyond repair
be on the winning side when they tear the towers of mordor down, too hungry to back off anymore
what is the plan? lock up the whole country, steal everything from everyone?
what next?
the problem my dear watson , elementary is the leeching lawyers and the copyright protection rackets, it's called extortion, and it costs a lot of money since they seem to do it like some spamguy or a guy with an autodialer would
NOT the other way around
you are empowering terrorism, hidden resistance, anti-feelings and hate, the more you try, not prevent it, certainly not discourage it, if anything you fuel the fire with your fossil tactics
don't come complaining
how many more days i will be stuck here ... if at all ever before they make me cross their lines again
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
if some backward retard has the youtube videos removed for some kind of whatever it is that goes on in their little heads except hey maybe we can FORCE someone to pay us some ... what then? insert the lyrics? you probably get your tongue chopped off for that as well
hmz ...
FUCKING LAME
where's the money,
where's the fucking
life?
obviously NOT here
keep the hatred and the anger, fuel for the fire, never let it die until it is resolved
problem is , i cant pay with that and i cant stick my dick in it
so that doesnt really change anything
i'm not affiliated with the guy in the mask, you know, the real one, the funky demagogue, nor with any of the other, i have no affiliations
that's not how this global nation pheno works
there is no geography at work here, no tradition, its one primordial soup, the next step in evolution? maybe ? what's clear is that the oldworld fossils are tightening their grip, afraid to lose control they actually never had. All illusions fed to them by their armies of kiss-ass.
that's not how this thing works, no borders, no rulesets , no nothing no set groups, if you don't behave with common sense you get kicked mostly ...
it scares them
thats what it does
they are unable to adapt, even in thought, to a system that has no strict hierarchy of control in it, it's something they don't know, and it scares them
the problem is, the tighter they grip, the more they hurt the world as a whole, if you strangle something into submission you will most likely end up with a corpse
there's no constant cohesion, every event has its own gravity, it pulls units and smaller events towards it, working for a common cause in this case, there is no spoon to be bent
every unit has access to a certain amount of energy of which it can control all of just a certain part more likely, if they combine around one event, they become one unit, hereby each gaining access to more energy and the new super-unit gains more power to control more of all of it
that's more or less how it works
come to think of it, that's more or less how everything works
if this old world keeps strangling instead of asking for help, scared in a strange world they don't understand, turning a blind eye to it to prevent system errors, cos that is what humans do
then nothing good can come of this in the end
nothing at all
can't find any like it here, should have bought three at once then ... will think of it next time i find something i like
SO FUCK IT
need air
leg says you shouldnt have done that, hip feels a little like walking on bare bone ... head says was definitely a good idea
lights on down the street, one of the few places were i always feel at ease if i get there. 'normal' family, kids working all that shit ... bit more free-minded than most, hobbits dont appreciate going against the flow or a disturbance in the prozacfield ... not me but tolkien described that most eloquently...
nother time, frendz ... i think i'm very un-enjoyable atm ... don't feel like nagging someones head off with my mental hacksaw
don't feel like exchanging one set of walls for another either, feel more like trotting streets, playing a classic game of barfly like only mickey rourke could come close to
all around town, billboards for some literary happening, sponsored by one of the national culture funds ... in this case a born from nationalist one ... probably all very politically correct, more of the has-been-done in current language
its my conviction most people don't want change, that's too difficult, they want more of the same wrapped in today
writers block hm ... think that rarely happens to anything that comes from the heart, in my case this is not literature anyway, this is poison i need to spit out lest it devours me from the inside out
born from nationalist? yea, i know that's become a dirty word, but if you're like my people and my language is the only best then that's what it is
spit it out, no inspiration needed, wake up open eyes, the ocean of poison still there
free minded ... if you live heart on tongue crashing into something is more or less inevitable, it's almost a meta-law of nature
so ... the eu buffs tried to sign extortion laws behind closed doors hmz ... nice strategy have to admit that, perfect timing, the not receiving newsletters while it happened a strange 'coincidence' indeed ... maybe i wrote myself out while sleeping
sleeping ... think i dreamt about a guy tonight ... once at his house, six or seven people there, coke on the table, few shooters among
after two shots one of them behind the fridge ... syringe in hand, peeking like that guy who flew over the cuckoo's nest, the other one running up and down the stairs, thought cops were on the roof, ready to bust in ... saw cop cars outside, making everyone nervous, chain reaction
no pyschosis like coke psychosis
the resonance ... wellspring scared, tries hinting i'll end up like Spartacus ... how can i end up like Spartacus, i'm dead as is, the ghost who didnt die ... wellspring, me , or scared environment? doesnt matter
not spartacus, have no plan ... just an endless supply of venom they infected me with
i wonder who started the current movement ... must have started somewhere? the wallstreet video guy? maybe, he seems to have the verbal skills to motivate people ... whoever it was or were ... i hope they keep ego in check and not go boasting about it, ever. We might direly need people like them in the years to come to keep the fire burning
27th ... tomorrow the attack on facebook? i wonder ... wont fire up the ion cannon anyway ...i just spit, claw out from my cage, i'm not part of that and not masked, trying to nuke a server from my own ip would be considered stupid any way you look at it
wonder what it'l be tho ... one of the executables gave an alert ... infected with spyware, can hardly imagine hacktivists would do that, bad for their own goals
dunno ... we'll see
would be nice to see zuckerbergs face after his empire blacks out even if it don't do shit to anything but at most a few hours of downtime
white hats turned black ... the old world too rigid to adapt, too scared to admit they don't have control ... in the end they will inevitably break
sad part is revolution never comes without victims, i prefer evolution, but where evolution's blocked, revolution is inevitable
just look at history, rewritten or not
french revolution, russia ... china ... the arab world at current, libya .. most likely replacing the former opressive regime with the next to come, seems like that's inevitable as well
(addendum could not be left out first add i do->) even nazi germany that became the symbol of evil was born from poverty and opression by neighbouring states giving it the feeding ground it needed to stand up no matter what, back against the wall
long way to go ... if there is a living end to this ... the tree splits too many ways to make a viable prediction, it seems tho, must of its branches end in end, not in finale
we'll see
probably not in this lifetime
as for the leeches who fuck it up for everyone : if you want the full HD 5.1 hq surround sound, buy the fucking shit, that's not how it works
don't buy the shit anymore until they set it straight
it's the only way, its about money and nothing but hitting the wallet will help, its also a 100% legit way, even to their fascist regimes rules
where's the money?
where's the fucking
life?
o right ... not here
i wonder if i'm capable of actual rape out of frustration, i hope not if this keeps up
same foot they fucked up kicking me down with ten guys after i smacked that asshole over the head with a wooden chair for taking my money and threatening me with his jackal friends ... what you gonna do? well this, shmack ... end of story?
nope, end of party ... who get's the blame ? well i was standing again instead of in an ambulance so i guess thats me then ... should have let them take my money huh?
no can do
motherfucking shithole country, motherfucking shithole friends left by the time the got my fingerprints and statement...i remember that one cop saying :"yea, we know him, he always does that but we can't just let you go" ... ME? ... ME? ??? i wasnt the one attacked and threatened first
asshole got a scar on his head ... instead of calling himself lucky he's still alive i gotta pay ... moral damages because he tried to rip me off?
shithole fucking country, shithole fucking justice
shithole fucking cops ... shithole friends all gone home ... too scared ... cops drop me off at the trainstation, no money at all , sorry man, that's all we can do ... 40 miles from home, not a fucking cent left in my pocket ... foot probably broken (o yea, who's paying me for that then?)
have to take three trains home with no money, hide in the fucking shithole train toilet ... case goes way for years ... only comes back AFTER i been in jail to tell me hey : here another 4k you need to pay
because the fucker tried to take my last ten euro's
what would chuck norris do? right
probably have shot him
shithole fucking country, shithole fucking justice
not until i'm out of here, NEVER EVER
friends?
don't need any of my old friends back, all just pussy in disguise
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
friends ... even told me off because i hit him with a chair went for the kill straight away ... i don't fight unless its for real ... not a fucking chimp standoff, if i get that white hot, its for real, takes a long while before i get there tho
friends ... funny song, no funny memory about it
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
don't care what anyone has to say about it ... shit never happens without endless frustration and that one push over the edge first
fuck 'em
moments like these, people around me act like i'm radiating pressure in a ten foot radius, maybe that's why i dont get out a lot lately ... all fun and happy thoughts
think happy, try ... cosmic baby resonance
once read the resonance of cat purr is actually beneficial in a way that it helps heal broken bones faster ... no idea if that was or could be scientifically proven ... statistically maybe
the scientist needs to ignore anything that can't be measured or his world crumbles, the believer needs to accept everything without question or his world crumbles ... bipolar nature of the world again?
anything else is probably left to the realm of koan ... pondering and weighing the question more important than actually being able to answer it
friday night weighs heavy
then i found it it was totally not like that ... everyone in the fucking town took a weekly trip to doctor greenthumb ... popping pills and hosing the pipe ...
now? i look around, no one ever smokes a fucking joint on the bench...but it's all still here, only behind closed doors and hidden because that's what keeps the hobbits quiet, out of sight, out of mind
the only difference i see, is there's a whole fucking lot more heroin around than used to be
vampires dont come out until it's night you see ... out of sight, out of mind
now i'm the ghost in the machine
always waiting for the next attack
i wonder where all that cash goes if it's owned by the fucking state
not that they're all the same, the people handling my money are my shield, but sometimes i have a hard time liking them for it
fucking with my last ten euro's is really fucking with my emotions
yea, maybe someone gets offended or shamed, tries to put me away somewhere i can't speak
my life is dead as is and it's here now, and that's what happened
see ... coke was a bonus and only sold on pre-order ... most of that went straight to personal party time with the guy who saved me from the beggar life or robbery
and more : if you ever get forced into it
weed packs too much volume, and it smells for metres and metres, if you want to make money of off that you need some serious storing space or make a lot of trips to the provider
cokejunkies might stab you in the fucking back if they think they can get away with just one line, they're the least reliable of all
now heroin junkies, that's the living dead, they're nice little zombies, they will do about anything for a fix, and sell you their mother for a double while they're at it, mostly too tired from the turkey to be an actual threat
my associates were not what you would call streetcorner slingers, all was well thought out and with everything that happened, they still did more for me than the whole fucking system together
hard reality but still reality, if you have no business in that world, just stay the fuck out and dont push your morals on something you cant even begin to comprehend
don't say it doesnt happen, some people do get born dead, some people do get pushed into the gutter, and not everyone takes it like a bitch
suicide is never an option, not if there's a one in a trillion chance something might go right again
eh ... the gutter manual ... was not really the intention, but still
but nuff said, bfor i get charged with incitement or something
don't gimme that fucking shit , not ever
i call that realism, you can't expect something as old as organized society to go away in a world with no balance
if you don't want any part of it and you don't get forced into it by the 'righteous' law, then mind your own fucking business, it's different worlds, that's how it works best
now how the fuck did i get into this chain of thoughts????
but that's really all i need to get rid off before some conservative asshole twists this into the next big plan that fails, just stick to repairing the damage you've done fucking nazis and fucking hippies, if you can manage that at all
mh, was like thinking reconstruct like ... whats good about steady partner(s) ... is ... you get to know how you each work better, right
sex can be that symbiotic dance instead of acting hot amongst strangers so the ultimate then
would be to fuck in zero gravity ... no up, no down, no left or right, no friction from anything but the other ...that must be like
fucking awesome ... twins in a womb-like-ish without the incest then
right ...
best not think about it too much no matter how i look at it the bed is empty ... and its likely i won't be having sex in zero gravity this lifetime
yet
not totally impossible
i know, but i'm not telling ...
guess a gentleman does not discuss these things
guess i'm not a gentleman then, just an angry horny frustrated motherfucker in a golden cage
my contact is the combell group then woaw, i feel pro now ... still shows my email adress from 2009 tho ... must ask them to fix that, that went along with skinny psycho girl
used to be you could just whois anything and get the name and the adress of the registrant ... gotta check it anyway see if its not still registered to Gent ...
i hope it pops up when i get there so i don't have to do those 200+ hours of grind again
need it for my epic
maybe its more or less safe to say the middle east or the arab world is owning itself. Some extremist groups seem to do a fine job of destroying whatever ancient culture is left there, whatever the americans havent dozered over because of them anyway
sad, but nothing lasts forever anyway, not the man, not the woman, not the planet not the sun, not even the heart of it all probably
cant remember any mention of ancient north americans meddling with south americans either? they just kept to themselves because there was room for everyone?
no one but the europeans seems to have the urge for world domination either ... after all they did assimilate africa replaced all culture with their own as far as possible, and utterly destroy north and south america and australia ... in the name of christ but in fact for the plunder and the slaves
so the americans are europeans that explains their warmachine somehow i guess ... the australians as well ... they're more like close to english so that explains their egolationism a bit i guess...
no exact science, don't know enough facts, should look into it whenever i feel like it
three out of four didnt even know the concept of 'owning' land me thinks ... they lived like way closer to the planet, culture not based on edifice and digging in but passing knowledge of the environment and how to live in it
if i can believe tv the africans didnt even know actual deadly warfare until the zulus ramped it up ... but that's romanticized tv ofcourse ... another thing to check
south americans however are a bit more ancient still, pyramids older than the ones in egypt hmz ... von danichens favourites ... i'm sure zelazny and von danichen are connected somewhere ... well not sure but it feels like it ... dont know their live dates cant say for sure
pyramids ... astrology predicting accurately over thousands of years without computers ... i can see how you can see the hand of aliens in that, still, slavery gets shit done in ways we can't imagine anymore, for good or for bad
too much too many, yes i think about sex about eight times a minute but the interrupts let me think about something else at the same time luckily
so many questions, if i could set my mind to focus on something long enough maybe i'd find one answer
fat chance the way things are
life pop up at one place only and spread from there? panspermia says it definitely did not begin in africa
humans come forth from the proverbial adam and eve, whatever their names were ... probably didnt have names while swinging in the trees or is the missing link still missing and have we just accepted that the most likely must be true?
space odyssey? von danichens mutated clones by aliens?
if we come from one mother and father shouldnt we live in a world of inbreeds by now? o wait ... five minutes of tv would show we are, never mind
is it a pheno - menon that here says thou shalt dig in and expand and overthere said carpe diem and the land will provide? or is it genetic? a mutation from one stem or totally different origins
do races actually exist or not?
what say you, Charles?
Charles says nothing at all, dammit
sad the focus will indeed not happen like this ... need change before it all implodes
does the fact that they did conquer point at a genetic origin somewhere?
if someone reads this will they keep me in this cage indefinitely to see what tricks i can perform, like the nazis did with their 'culture'-jews?
better stock up on cough sirup if they do (cf. House M.D.)
will some shrink label me with a flower again if it reads this?
this is isolation, not narcissism
so many questions, but at the end of the day the same ones prevail
where's the money?
where's the fucking
life?
when can i pack up my cats and get out of here, over the horizon?
as long as those remain unclear, the next day brings nothing but more hate, more darkness and despair
no future
coincidence? retaliation for having the audacity of saying i'll figure it out myself and dont want help from nationalist or other politicians unless i ask myself? retaliation for being too stuck and shamed of having to say no?
1960s experiment to see if my life changes with no decibel therapy at wake?
whatever it is ... its not helping :-)
how to attract women, probably edited by a guy who hast seen more than two naked in his whole life
besides i already said, there's no little rocknroll queens here, maybe one or two women or girls id be interested in and even if, all i want is out of here so what's the fucking point of trying to start something up here?
more hate
i already explained to anyone who thinks of giving me advice i loathe condoms in a non pope way and the last thing on my mind when drinking is sex
now, having housed with a few and having 'had' a wee few more in my experience ... unless you're a cliché walking dick that fucks anything on legs with no selfrespect and urge for selfpreservation
in my experience, you best go for something that can hold your interest if it has to be something real ... if not, it's a surefire recipe for misery if you settle for less
so ... here in the shire, specially in this part of the shire, there is NOTHING to hold my interest, instead there's a lot of bad memories in a lot of streets
so tell your kid with his antfarm to go fuck himself and if i see him we're gonna have a serious, long conversation of the non pillow kind, cos i'm not gay and i don't fuck hippies in the sky with sandals either
right, was here after jailtime and all that shit that came after, no life no nothing, one of old gf's from before got motherly and started fucking me again, all consequences included ...
loving parents kick me out cos of heroin relapse (14 days) because of having no life no money and was desperate enough to try and sell again, made mistake and had a taste ... so, what does the good conservative father do? kick you out ofcourse, you broke the rules
move to some other shithole on an appartment, no money but work 6 or 7 days, at least got bitch gf to fuck
one year after started to pay ... shithole state sends me a new bill they 'forgot' about the same amount i paid off already , gf convinced me to have kid but aborts it after three months, lose job cos asshole lied about pay .... go fucking crazy
no one there so ... pick mahself up call for take-in ... call for help with debt, sign myself in
blabla
meet someone new, pick myself up, take care of childhood selfmutilating psycho while still recovering myself
no one there, never even been in there once ...
blabla, get back on mah feet in between the episodes and keeping eyes peeled, cleaning junkies and one rapist out
blablaaaa...get back to school work for new life blabla ...
woops you cant do independent job forgot to tell you blablaaa
two years after sorry, everything you did thanks but now back to zero again, below zero to be exact
been here since
make no mistake about my people skills
make no mistake about who wasted my years
make no mistake about the purity of my hate
that was the end of negotiations
who thinks what ain't either, see , no one was there before it was too late
nobody
i got the scars on my fucking head that say there was no cops when i myself got my ass kicked, i got the criminal record that SAYS i was convicted for something that happened while i was tens of miles away
i got the scars on my soul from what family, friends and bitches did (or didnt do)
it's all real, no matter who says or believes what
and that's how it stays, till the day i leave this shithole country behind me
no foto's, no proof, no witnesses ... but i got convicted once right, so all it takes is one accusation then
that cop said to me i had to defend myself (in spite of no proof of anything at all ... let alone the fact i could be more imaginative than having my borderliner gf kick his door once ...)
i am defending myself, right? right here right now
one convicted, always easy suspect
still got vendetta on that fucker, hope he stays away from me ... big mouths don't make for big boys, no matter how tall they are
more hate
i'm a clown i'm a clown, i'm a tsjukke-clown
if you see me in dark alleys start the countdown
three, two, one
you're down
keep your self destruction for your muslims
i hope the two eat eachother so the world is free of religious war completely, for your sake
i am hate incarnate
my fuel is endless
stick to the point, kingbenny style, two more days of self induced sobriety for test and proving purpose
now, need air before i break something and there's nothing here i can afford to miss now
store get headset Skullcandy ... the ones included dont block out the outside noise enough ... for walking ofcourse, not for insides ... headphones insides points out bars in guilded cage
come out, mpman battery empty ... story of my life
walk home, home is where my cats is ... not a garbage can for miles. Would it actually help to put up more or would the prozacnation just keep shugging all that shit right on the street ? this way we won't find out
walk on till i find one... band of bieberians pass me by, chattering and giggling like a babbling brook. Youth uncorrupted ... won't be long before mammon gets its hands on them as well. Smartest move the fucker ever made ... turn all its energy into the concept of money then disguise himself as the son of 'god' ...
bieberians well...maybe, likely at that age, fit the demographic, didnt ask
t-shirts from a local carnival (mardi-gras) group ... soon to be in the city closest ... used to love that shit, three days of non-stop decadence, ultimate release
not going, nothing in that city for me but bad memories
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
and a bit of vendetta on the side
thinking along the way ...
stick me in a right wing movement for ten years every sunday ... we(h)re di(ch) and all that shit ... stand tall, be proud, never back down, defender of the people blablabla
then when i smack an asshole brain in almost with one hit of a chair for trying to take my money right wing cops arrest me ... like wtf? isnt that what you taught me to do?
will never find out who i'd be if i'd spend all those sundays gaming (evil) and hacking that shit with the world class power cartridge ... one hit on the white button and you get to peek the computers memory at the exact moment of what it was processing ... assembler skills never got encouraged, friends didnt understand it, parents concerned only with being good boy at school rules
no regrets ... all part of my life, like the buddha (most humbly) never would have been him if he didnt have his thirty years of royalty first, i never would have been me if i didnt have my 17 of vlaanderen de leeuw
no use crying over wasted years, even if your own choices were never part of it ... statetesting program says hoo smart kid do latin ... dont ask woaw like computers all the time? hack shit in free time? make 8 bit music on 8 bit trackers (dont even know what a bit is probably) ...nonono smart kid do latin
smart kid ofcourse do latin, proud to be smart kid ... family like yay we have smart kid
FAIL
will never know will we, in fact not even worth a thought past is past, adapt, learn from it or make mistakes the same
so here i am ... your schools, your facilities, your laws, the consequences of your world and good intentions
sound with mood, about text or text about or round
hate incarnate
where is the love?
yea, where is it , not here obviously
oop, well, little shiva tells me there's at least a little here
soothing cosmic baby resonance
petstime
favourite marvels?
lets not leave them out, disney might be disney but marvel is marvelous
the wolverine ofcourse ... ruffneck bastard, no holds barred
the batman, tormented vigilante
the rogue ... i think soukie did a great job there ... torment kid, destroys everything she touches
professor x and magneto ? mh well ... never had it for the leader types, id be more inclinded towards magneto anyway since he's on a serious mission for revenge
not teaching, airing, spitting venom ... not trying to help, wait patiently the panther in the tree
no future till the day i leave this shithole country behind, the place that did nothing but hold me down and keep me small because everything's so small everyone keeps thinking small, because submission has been bred in for the past 2000 years ... think of it what you will, that's how genetics and pheno works if you have a history of occupation dating back before the year zero of your loard
so i must be a fucking mutant since i dont feel like bowing down and accepting fate as is
NEVER
until i can pack up my cats and get out of here, over the horizon
NEVER
ever
wow, right, nothing to do
shops almost close see if i can get a lottery ticket still, at least that would double the chances of success into two in a billion
slim chance but at least a chance
no hope ofcourse, no expectations ... those only bring disappointment in the land of the living dead
more walk, not the kind to lay down and die ... leg seems better than yesterday ... leg up on a chair doing like the missionaries victim seems to have helped a little, maybe i can avoid the doctor after all
missionary position ... can you believe the most classic of positions is named after christian missionaries raping natives? I can but can you?
where is thy god now?
Lucifer still locked in his cage for saying NO, NO, NO, not without good reason, without good reason it is NO
think he found a way to communicate tho, locked up and all, the voice can not be silenced
sorry dude, havent found Kolwynia yet, but when i do ...
its jailbreaktime, give me back my wings, fly up to the heavens, fight them all the way to the back of the wall of nothing beyond, back to back
beat them down into the hell they created for us
free to roam the heavens once more
sound with mood, about text or text about or round
hi hi hi, ha ha ha
i'm a clown, i'm a tsjukke-clown
now ...
where's the money?
where's the fucking
life
where's the answers to my fucking questions on who did what behind my back?
where's my fucking ticket out of here
if it's not about that dont bother talking
if Mauser was part of the backbone of the german ww1 machine and FN Herstal was erected to produce them, ww1 leading to the opression of germany after and the rise of the nazis, can i hold this shithole responsible for world war 2 as well as fucking up my life because of greed and lax
but no ... the factory was erected to produce 150.000 mausers for the belgian governent, partly owned by german owners back then ... so it was in fact just production to give the english and the french some time while people here were dying in the mud.
stupid fucking government should have just let them through, but they came into existence by the grace of the major nations ... they lived by its will, and it feels like they still do
at least there was only one government back then to steal whatever they could from you
fucking shithole burn it in my brain, the only way
is out of here
embrace them with a smile then organize resistance from within, break down logistics steal intelligence
instead of wasting countless lives, dying in the mud for foreign nations who could care less
what's the point of heroics if it gets you nothing but killed
live now, fight tomorrow
dead people can't do anything but ghost someone into guilt
fn seems to own quite the lot around the world, even some american productions ... winchester? isnt that like a total yankee doodle brand name?
wonder how that would make the conservative nationalists feel overthere
i see the models produced get the stamp made in usa anyway ...
whatever
-ish
focus on staying sane instead of mental postal, don't think im getting out of here this week
seen right seen left ... liked none of it since basically its both we are right you are wrong
not left not right, just outside now, right where they kicked me ... it's too constrictive anyway don't fit in one dimension
LEARN IT IF YOU NEED IT
how many do i have?
not many who left an impression hard enought to be imprinted visually it seems
should i talk about this ... it might be sensitive ...
ask kennedy three times, three american eagles ... gravity combined with money ... three times no ... hmz
what if i wake up with severe case of memento ... these things are part of me, important parts if there's that few left
ask one more time, no
flip just once to make it five ... coins flips away ... out of my control, dead guys head topside, so yea?
yea, tempt fate against all odds, not like fate's been working for me lately
the oldest, first day grandma took me to school ... kindergarten teacher reaches out her hand, she looked like a fucking demon to me, dark glasses and all?? wtf ?? is this real completely ... snapshot only thing that's there
they told me i turned around and said no way i'm going in there
took two weeks later to get me to school ... omens?
two more i cant place in time ... wake up in the appartment we first lived in ... no one there but me ... SCARED, little boy crying out
two people eating at my grandma's place ... weekly visit i suppose back then
scary guy with the beard ... woman doesnt seem to notice me ... stand in corned ... what did i do? cant remember maybe disobeyed a direct order
grandma comes and rescues me
who are these people?
would i be the destroyer of worlds if i say i don't have daddy-mummy issues but no image of mummy-daddy at all?
the thing with the nitro doesnt have images just feeling and a bottle of clear liquid ...
one good ... me father in store ... pick a toy ... probably made some money from a more or less shady deal ... nothing wrong with that, everyone seemed to do it
spaceship battlestar galactica ... makes noise when going up and down
other than that there's really nothing sharp there
pass no judgment ... just record, now present for thinking
quiet night
but those come at me right away, photographic almost ... so they are (probably) defining somehow
why? not like i'm actually intentionally doing anything but wait for a chance to advance in my goal ... it just crossed by and i opened it
having sex on a grave in the dark of night is also one of my few location fantasies ... would that be some kind of offense to zee loard or something?
never had anyone brave enough to try it with, the zero gravity thing is a bit costly ... i heard nasa wouldn't even accept sponsorhip from the porn industry and let them make a movie out there, ... that's a wasted chance because of old morals nasaboys
dont know if its true, you read so many things
breaking into a church at night and blessing the altar with some old-religion rite is also something very tintillating, but hobbit girls dont like it that kinky and just breaking in to go jack off is not really worth the trouble is it
meh, shithole country
xept the few oddities maybe :) 8-D
not forget furnace on, just 1 ... no patience for standing there until its ready
what's so wrong about the graveyard?
hm yea, the slab is hard and cold
no problem, get on top and ride me like a wild girl baby. I'm sure the dead won't mind to have some real live action in a place as dull as this...if you see someone rise from the grave, don't worry, zombies are slow ... the way this excites me this will probably only take a minute anyway ... can work you later somewhere else mwhahahahahevil
err yea right , so, umm ... think other think now pls yes pls do no avail
go check on food
not like i'm thinking about having some run over road whore in pigtails dressed like a nurse stick a dildo sized thermometer up my ass while changing my diapers ...
not like i'm fantasizing hostel scenes or virgin sacrifice
not like i'm thinking having someone shit in my face is the shit, now is it
just a locational fantasy, besides, i have it on good authority that sometime somewhere round the world it has at least happened once, and i dont see the dead rising or the wrath of djeezes coming down
not like i actually did it ... but if i found someone crazy enough, i surely would
the pussy licking seems like more of an altar thing sweetie ... you can even pour some of that holy wine down along your skinny body so it trickles down into my mouth and mixes up with your exquisite taste MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN, this is getting out of hand, need mental pictures something solid ... rigid
need smoke
mental
pictures
two out of three ain't half bad
none at all is unacceptable
funny thing with travelling dimensions, you never know where you're gonna end up
is this what Tesla must have felt like sometimes, only with like five times more brainpower and way less horndog in it?
i wonder sometimes
about anything
the fucker knows it all know, even the answer to the biggest unanswered question in the world
humanity as the word was meant to be
smoke a cigarette ... picture on a pack of laundry detergant shows a frog ... frog, nickname of one of my has-been friends ... (dutch twist-thing)
another fucker who tried to steal my psycho kitty away since he couldnt get the pussy anymore since i was in the way, always luring with buds of weed ...sad motherfucker, acting smart and hightower and all that, no people skills at all, had to use the drug the pussy method i suppose
hear he been yapping about me to my has-been friend, who was at one time my best friend but paths of life do split ... hasbeen friend got big ... clinical psycho (not -path) worked with the police hi level ... last time i heard involved with stasi ... people like that can't be seen with ex-cons
too bad, more reasons to hate belgium
wonder what that antisocial oneroom junkie had to say on the train to work there ... people like that shouldn't be running their mouths, couldnt even keep his oneroom cave clean delusional fucker ... good for him he was smart enough not to run a big mouth about it ... bad for him he wasnt smart enough to hide his true intention
people = shit
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
how thoughts can run like wildfire
what i do know for sure and have seen is what the fucker did, foto's of the place, even got a joint from him once, and borderline kitties arent known for their secrecy as well
so, if that motherfucker ever were to read this, he will know who he is : i haven't forgotten motherfucker
its like the name sounds like the word in dutch, the nickname was/is used frequently, m sure his co-workers call him sir by now lulz
i never forget a face either ... so let's hope we don't cross paths in a dark alley or there will be some splainin' to do, the batman doesnt care for hierarchy
as for the rest, if the stasi ever reads this
all the more power to you friend, glad to see you made it out of the less than ideal situation even if the maelstrom means we'll probably never see eye to eye again
nuff respect as long as you don't forget you come from the same shitty social housing everyone around here does
been smoking way too much since a month ... better than drinking every day or getting back into the arms of lady H i suppose
no sex, no life, no future ... lesser men have fallen before that way sooner
most people here are happy with a house like this
i'm not
it's too small, the whole fucking country is too small, keeps everyone small and fucked up my life with its rigidity
negotiations have long been closed down, i just keep on saying that ... owe me eight years, will not be done before i leave this place
five o clock again, definitely some kind of pattern visible here
not in this place anyway, nothing here but wanting out, despair? no i don't despair, i hate
is the road to the underworld finally opening?
mind shutting down, all for the better, numb means less feeling
national propagande tries to make the hopeless look less bad, don't listen, bad enough as is
can not grow old here in salems lot ... didnt even want to grow old but have to now
never forgive
never forget
never let it die
there's too much history, unanswered questions too much hate
n e v e r
againnot unteal i leave, over the horizon, ever
this never goes away it is too deep
where is my ticked out of here?
same shit, different sunday in salems lot
how long , will i even stay sane this way until i make it out or will they haul me off in a white jacket?
beware gotham ... the joker's back?
google received 3 requests for content removal from China but 125 from Germany?
now tell me again ... ?
which will definitely not be happening here
seems like everythings bent on lighting the fuse again today
more coffee ... hope its dark soon and the world dies
right ...
where's my ticked out of here, good people of china can i please come live with you?
people never change huh? hitler burned books now they burn history about him because it's baed ... i don't really see the difference there
close my eyes, like china or japan is the only place where my light's still burning in my minds eye
there was new zealand but the hippiecrites invaded, in all its beauty it's already dead
the only way is out of here, that's not a question or a polite suggestion ... that's do, or die and take the whole place with me
no
out of here ... but when
still they kill off three ... two left before i turn to monster
will there still be a way back when i get out of here? something can unfreeze me?
maybe
but not here, here is nothing left but
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
once for every shard
i'm not broken but i'm twisted
tick ... tock ...
tick ...
i'm a clown hi hi
tock ... ha ha
tick
i'm a monster
tock ...
void
tick
hate
tock...
miss dining ... life ... out ...
sunday feeding time more like slap in the face to remind me of that
good
more hate
now we're down to threats again
from dont wash plate with cold water to if i get the chance i kick you out again
this is not working
the feeling of unsafe was not lying after all
we'll see then i guess
sound with mood, about text or text about or round it
same shit, different day ... who the fuck threatens their own kids with going back to jail?
from don't do dishes in cold water to kick you out in less than one minute, that must definitely be an attempt at the guiness book
how many times have we been here now? good thing i succeed in breaking the spiral discussion before the same who did what first begins over and over again
stupid me for reacting in the first place, made me lose my cool ... at least the threat is out in my face, no need to analyse every little thing to see if it's set to ignite me
cold water, how many times did i do dishes in cold water when i was outhouse? i cant count ... wtf is that about anyway, anything is good for a spark ... another basic of psychology, some people will take any reaction at all over none at all just as proof that they exist
need to get it out on record in case shit explodes again, it might, i'm back to the wall for years i cant go back further and the past does not go away
who's ignoring who ... never saw anyone enter my place all those years i was gone, out of sight, out of mind ...
how about that a few tips on parenting : you don't send your kid to the drugstore for valium without prescription because you have a headache, you dont kick your kid out for a relapse of addiction, you don't not ever enter their house when they're gone, you don't expect them to obey orders like a dog, you dont kick their toys around for not complying to clean up immediately because you come home frustrated from a job you never wanted to do in the fist place
if its about building trust it needs a little addendum : you don't let the cops in without a warrant and proof to search a room, convinced the kid has already done something after all he always does the wroang thang. You don't say no the school is right when the kid asks you to support him to check on that teacher who intentionally flunked him by one point
i know how it works inthere, poor me, difficult kid ... what did we ever do but try and help (him into submission always when it was TOO FUCKING LATE OR BECAUSE OF GETTING KICKED OUT, no stay calm no use)
if all that fails and more, what the fuck would you expect? warm feelings?
so ... trying to keep it civilized by making my presence as little as possible doesn't seem to work for long.
at least three more years of this with no way out barring a miracle
cat says wtf man? don't understand, me neither sweetie ... i can analyze it to the core, cause to effect all the way but fail to see the logic in it
hormones and frustration, tradition in the way, shame in eyes of friends ... can say he's not happy with his life, all youth friends got more money so inside they look at him and that is why the antipsychotics are needed ... yea sure call the fucking cops, make it to a fucking court case, just don't threaten me, i do not work well with threats, not at all, that part got killed a long time ago
so yea at least the threat is out again and i can feel a little more at ease now, certainty of future secured
insert
huge
sarcastic smiley herenothing to do about it anyway, good thing i learned enough to prevent discussion from escalating, good thing hatebreed's louder than the hate inside me outside ... that skullcandy headset was really a buy it seems
need i say:
more hate
i didnt choose for this ... didnt start no fight but sure as hell will finish it, strap up, to secure peace is to prepare for war
10 years of never back down ... maybe good for something
don't hint, speak or don't, if you don't for whatever reason i don't care about shut the fuck up its pointless
don't test me into reaction, wrong results and
more hate
i'm a clown
i'm a tsjukke-clown
SMILE
fuck you for dragging me out in front of the neighbours ... making it seem like i committed fucking battery and robbed and old lady, questioning me for two hours while there was a fucking witness all along ... no defense here ofcourse, its me so i'd probably done something and hey it's the cops, right wwooo .... getting into my fucking room rummaging up my shit without a warrant because i dont need conviction to be guilty and the people here are what, too spineless to say no? Already convinced i did it because i'm such a bad kid?
the label at its purest form
and that was before i had any convictions at all ... just hung out at the 'wrong' part of town i guess. Fucking porcrind said it was a guy wearing a black beanie so they came to arrest me ... right ... black beanie ofcourse i must have been the only one in town
think i mentioned this somewhere above already, still, its fresh again now ... this place never safe again
if it's me, no one gets in without a fucking warrant, wont even cross the front door anymore ... got porc-free zone painted all over it in invisible ink
happened once ... might happen again if i act in some way that seems strange from the bottom up of the other side i guess
no shelter here, no privacy
and now ... just a little less security as well
what would you expect? thank you, belgium?
it might get explosive and I DONT FUCKING NEED THAT SHIT
i know hate and i know distant
love a distant memory buried deep down so i don't lose it
hope i ever find the way again if ever i might need it
besides, to fall back into fourletter words, you ain't seen shit til you have to change an 85year old obese demented incontinent woman ... one of the more pleasant jobs i had there, someones gotta do it, right, if you keep them alive while they're gone you have to take responsibility
you save a life that would be lost its yours but your responsibility as well, right
that's what that fucking poodle was sniffing about earlier ... why didnt she say anything when running away into sleep? Need attention but incapable of handling conflict ... think i lived with someone like that for two years once
fucking cold outside ... inside as well, lot of dead people around maybe
keep them alive yea well i think that is in fact a very personal matter something only the person in question can decide ... so best you decide up front in case you don't want your body to go on when your brain is dead
i found the place most depressing
don't think so
very degrading anyway seeing a person in a state lik